To think this is selfish of them ?

[CanadianDreams]

Neighbour has 3 adult children. They are still relatively young in their mid sixties. Two of their kids have moved out with partners and one still lives at home at 37. She is single and has health conditions but can still work. Today my neighbour said "Me and David (Her DH ) are pleased eldest DD is still at home. It will be nice to have a carer when we are a bit older. Someone who can cook, clean and arrange appointments for us when we need them. She's always been so caring so it's nice we will have that as we get older.'
Aibu to think this is selfish of them and that they shouldn't be putting that kind of pressure on her? I don't really know the DD but can't imagine my own parents saying the same thing about me or expecting it and I don't even have health issues....

Hopefully they were joking.

I would presume their DD has spoken to them about this already and has said she'd like to look after them.

Is it possible that the three of them have discussed this plan, and the daughter is OK with it, @CanadianDreams?

If they haven’t, it seems either foolish or selfish of them - it isn’t right to assume an unmarried daughter will become an unpaid carer, and they run the risk that she moves out and leaves them in the lurch.

Maybe they've all agreed this? There's nothing inherently selfish about it.

Unfortunately if an adult child doesnt leave home this is often there inevitable outcome. It's almost fair in a way through if the parents have housed her for so long although they shouldn't assume.

I think it’s selfish. They have consciously or otherwise mapped out their kids life to be all around them. I want my kids off, happy, married, travelling - whatever makes their life a good one. Not a future booking my gp appointments and making me tea (although could be nice…. 😊)

It maybe that's what has been discussed? You can't presume daughter doesn't want that

If they all agree and their DD is happy to live her life like this then that's fine - it's their business after all. I wouldn't do it for my parents nor would I expect my DCs to do it for me though!

I would want my children to fly away and live their lives as Hippo says and they have but this lady is 37 and not left home yet so maybe it is what she wants .

I do know the DD wants to move out as we have had that discussion so I doubt very much she wants to be in the carer role. Also, they don't seem to have taken into account HER health issues which will most likely increase with age and menopause.
We live in London by the way so expensive area.

I really dont think the mother was joking either. It certainly was an eye opener and I feel sad for the daughter. Maybe it has been discussed but seems unlikely given that I know she wants to move out.

I'm in the position your neighbour is thinking of, except my daughter has a long term partner.

You know only what your neighbour chose to share with you. To friends I will often wax lyrical about how much support I get from my daughter and her partner.

I don't talk about what I do in return. That would, to me, be bragging. As a born and bred Yorkshire woman bragging, or showing off, is pretty much frowned on.

So, I'd say, you've heard a part of their private story, not it's entirety. So it's not really fair to pass such a judgement.

I would agree with you IF I didn't already know she wanted to move out.

Well, if she wants to move out, why doesn't she?

I don't see the issue. If she stays, and doesn't pay for her own home, the least she can do is help her parents out. If she goes, her parents will have to fend for herself. What's not great is staying, rent- and mortgage-free, and not helping your ageing parents with stuff like medical appointments. That's the height of freeloading, quite the opposite of parents being selfish!

It is up to the daughter what she does not you, I presume she has the capacity to move out if she wants

Well presumably she's getting cheap lodging. She should have moved out years ago if she didn't want to end up in that position.

Have you seen property prices in London recently ?!

I disagree with you as well. Nobody should be expected to provide care for elderly parents especially those who have their own health issues. Even if she actually wanted to do it, they are all assuming she will be in a position to do so when there’s a high chance she won’t . I’ve got no skin in the game really, just surprised at what I was hearing and think they will be in for a sharp shock.

I don’t think it’s a selfish thought, really. She’s 37, she’s lived with them for longer as an adult than she did as a child…. Nearly 20 years that she could have lived independently. Maybe they would have liked some empty nest time?

I’m younger than 37 but my parents are a bit older than 60s, and we are now naturally thinking ahead to how we can help them as they get older, moving closer to each other, planning for when they stop driving etc.

What would the alternative be for them? She lives with them as an adult for maybe 25 years, then move away just as they start needing more help?

They should be careful what they wish for. If the daughter has health problems they could end up being her carer when they are older.

I just think all parents shouldn’t want that life for their adult kids. Especially when her siblings are all supported financially by their partners and have their own space.

I do know she isn’t a lazy layabout , she pulls her weight around the house but I am pretty sure she wouldn’t be pleased with what her mother has been saying.

Feel a bit uncomfortable that they will see this so not going to post anymore

It sounds really weird in the 21st century to hear somebody voice thoughts like that. Such a dated concept that the unmarried daughter has to look after the parents and be a skivy to them.

Even if a discussion has been had with the daughter and she is happy to look after them in their older years it just seems so disrespectful to talk about her in such a way as though this is her only value to them. You would hope her parents would be voicing hope for her to be able to fulfil her ambitions, such as finding her own place and living an independent life.

Sounds like they are living in Victorian times.

Just because she has told you she wants to move out doesn’t mean it is realistic or likely. As you don’t know her well, I wouldn’t even assume it is a fully thought through intention — it could have been something she expressed casually to you but changes her mind about from time to time.

I mean, she’s 37 and working, yet still at home, so if she wants it that much, what’s held her back? Presumably it’s the fact that as you say yourself, property’s very expensive, and she can’t or won’t move to a place she can afford independently.

In which case, I would probably guess there isn’t much chance of it changing in the future, and her parents are doing what they can to put a positive spin on a situation they would not have chosen.