Schools can't seem to get a handle on bullying

[spanieleyes22]

I was bullied terribly in secondary schools 20
Years ago now. But listening over the weekend to the experience of her dd it seems nothing has changed and schools seem as clueless as they ever were. So there's a mantra of how you need to tell someone if you're being bullied. This girl is 16 and has been bullied from September. It's been constant. At around Nov the girl herself decided to tell her tutor and asked to move class but the school said no not possible. They spoke to the girls in question but that seemed to make things worse and it escalated. The latest is the year had organised a "prom"
Themselves. The school distanced themselves from it and said it was organised by the students. Anyway some of the girls organised an online vote like cutest couple etc. one of them was "who is the most 'pick me' out of the girls. And they all voted for my friends dd. She rang home had to be collected early and is refusing to go to school not surprising. Has anyone's school managed to tackle bullying in a way that works? I can't help thinking if they just let her move class like she asked a lot could have been avoided?

Is 'pick me' a compliment or an insult? Sorry to be naive but I have a teenage daughter and I still don't understand.
I think the truth is that really being able to get rid of the behaviour completely is impossible. Schools are doing the best they can, with more knowledge and awareness now, but there are still limits to what they can do. I don't understand the not moving form either but I know they are reluctant to do this.

I don't think moving class would help.
Clearly they aren't just voting on the girls in one class....and secondary/GCSE students tend to be in at least 5 different classes, if not 9 or 10.

Is it a very small school? I find it gard to believe a group of students have organised a prom themselves....or that a school (are you UK) hasn't organised one itself?
Are you sure you have the details right?

But ultimately yes, teenagers are horrid to each other (or many can be) and its rarely just one person being singled out but they probably all feel like this girl at certain times. It's more about excluding people from the in group than physical or verbal bullying.
But what can a school do? They can't make them be friends. They can't make them invite people or stop them having discussions outside school.

Society supports and celebrates bullying, so schools reflect this attitude. I was bullied at school 40 years ago and ds was bullied when he was young. Schools pay lip service to anti bullying policies, but the harsh truth is that nothing ever changes. Victim blaming is also alive and well. All you can do is change schools or homeschool - either by yourself, tutors or online schooling.

It's apparently an insult.....in a culture where girls are "girly" a "pick me" girl is, as I understand it, a bit less girly, perhaps more of a tom boy, lower maintenance, not a mainstream girl....and supposedly uses this as an attribute to get in with boys....pick me, I am not like other girls.

To me it reveals those girls insecurities. Back in the 90s most of us were those girls. Feminist, can do anything, not fawning over boys but just joining in with them.
I think this new pick me thing comes from the re-ingrained gender stereotypes and if you don't fit that stereotype you are a "pick me".....I think??

Oh wow, thank you. This is really helpful to know. What a depressing term tho, bloody hell.

Sorry it's in Ireland . It's pretty normal for
The kids to organize a prom at the end of their 4th year

Yes so true depressing isn't it

It is indeed depressing. I don't know what the answer is long term, but complete avoidance of the bully is what has worked for us.

Yes it's basically the opposite to slut shaming . I didn't realize its connection to gender stereotypes. This girl is academic and beautiful and outgoing. Good at sport
And drama. The girls are jealous of
Her I think. And she's been asked out by a few boys but has said no thanks! There's always a "reason"
To bully tho isn't there: for me it was cos I was quiet

@cocoffeeisthebest hmm my daughter is in high school and in there school "pick me" means the opposite. Normally means a pretty girl who knows all the guys fancy her & all the girls are jealous of her. Not an insult there

My GGD has been accused of being a Pick Me girl and she told me that it also means overtly sucking up to the teachers and therefore popular with them, as well as being the above.

@PleaseletitbeSpring is this in UK? It's def an insult here I believe

And
Ireland

@spanieleyes22 my DGD had a series of nasty texts calling her a pick me girl and a b*h in the same sentence, so it was meant as an insult.

Sad but true. I was mercilessly bullied at school 40 years ago. My son has just gone through secondary school and he said bullying was rife. Yes, there's still too much victim blaming and yes, schools/teachers still don't take it seriously enough.

As for what teachers can do? Well for a start they can stop the stupidly cruel "wait of shame" when school sports teams are picked for games lessons. The teachers can also listen to pupils and not pair/group nor sit victims with their bullies! Teachers can also stop walking around the classrooms and corridors ignoring the glaringly obvious bullying that is happening in plain sight!

Sorry I meant @LovelyIssues

Yes I feel lots can be done too. It's a whole attitude thing . And not accepting that there will always be bullying

I think bullying is awful before anyone jumps on me.
But HOW do you suggest the problem is fixed OP given that bullying has been around since schools began?
Moving classes, speaking to the children involved etc rarely works and often makes things worse.
Lots of parents won't engage re their child being a bully.
Short of permanently excluding every child who bullies someone, what is the solution?

I’m so sorry she’s going through this- no, definitely nothing has changed, ds doesn’t go into the school bathrooms in case there’s people in there and his friend is bullied because he looks a bit different (he’s very small) and the school don’t seem to be able to get a handle on it so he avoids school. Horrible as he’s the loveliest guy but it’s beaten him into the ground

The teachers can also listen to pupils and not pair/group nor sit victims with their bullies! Teachers can also stop walking around the classrooms and corridors ignoring the glaringly obvious bullying that is happening in plain sight!

Most teachers do this (Not all most) but the problems start when the management CBA to do anything about it, or have bought into the restorative justice BS, which frankly is just a license for bullies to continue.

Also, even in the schools where it is taken seriously it is very hard to expel pupils that constantly bully others. Not to mention those (even on here ) that hate permanent exclusions.

Frankly the whole system needs an overhaul.

A "pick me" girl is a needy/attention seeking girl that needs / wants to be liked /chosen and often changes personality to fit in different groups,can talk behind people's back etc. It is definitely not a positive.

As for bullying depends on the cohort,parenting AND the school itself. Some schools deal with it properly, especially when they have parental support. Some tackle the more serious stuff, but dismiss other types as being silly . Some try to deal with it , but the lack of parental support makes it difficult to, especially of the bullying is low key,passive aggressive type stuff etc. Some schools are absolutely dire regardless.

The whole setup of this "prom" was shit to begin with and anyone would've expected issues to arise when kids are in charge. They can't just wash their hands off and give up any responsibility.

I think bullying is worse these days thanks to phones making 24/7 bullying possible 😢

Pick Me Girls are girls who act in a way that they think men will fancy them. If you’ve watched Gone Girl then there’s a monologue about Cool Girls which is probably what the term used to be .