I don’t feel close to my daughter

[heloq]

I don’t feel close to my daughter. Shes 9 years old and I think she feels it too as she asks me constantly if I love her and ofcourse I tell her everytime I do. I have a younger child who I feel closer to and I find it easier. I think the biggest reason is I wasn’t “allowed” to bond with her whereas with my youngest I was older and stronger and told my MIL to fuck off. When my daughter was born my MIL was in the room, I had no choice as DH decided it was to be this way. He tried to bring FIL into room whilst I was naked and doing my first feed but the nurse thankfully stopped him.

MIL would visit 3 times at least a day and never gave us a chance to bond with our daughter, she was constantly there. She would yank her off me mid-feed but I wasn’t allowed to be upset. I actually thought this was all normal! When she was 4 weeks old MIL had a huge party in a hall and all the aunties on DH side took turns holding her and passing her around. When I was feeding her in a separate room they all came and watched me, again I thought all normal as my own mother said they just excited. My MIL caused so many fights with me and DH over my DD, she cried when I asked her if she could just visit once a day so I can get some rest. She emotionally manipulated me by crying and saying she’s just coming to help me and I won’t be happy till she’s out of our lives for good, she threatened suicide etc. I was made out to be the bad guy everytime. SIL’s said I’m nasty to their mum and I asked one at the time how many times her MIL visited to which she shut up as her MIL lives in another country.

I feel so sad, I want to be close to my daughter I just don’t know how? How can I bond with her?

im sorry I just need to get some more memories out - my MIL from day my DD was born to this day always say “she looks nothing like you, she’s 100% my son, she has nothing of you” then she laughs, all the aunties did this once and laughed whilst I sat there. My daughter was born via ivf and I know this sounds crazy but these comments made me doubt she’s mine, I thought maybe they mixed my egg with another woman as MIL says she’s nothing like me.

Another memory - MIL looked after her 3x a week (her choice and she would have wanted more days if I worked FT) when I would pick her up my DD would run and hide and say “go back to work mummy!” To which MIL THE EVIL BITCH would clap and laugh along to.

Try seriously rebuilding the early lost connection. Run and hug and squeeze her tightly before she asks and tell her you love her frequently and shower her with kisses. Offer to snuggle and feed her, playfully. Try combing and braiding her hair more:grooming her and being physically close and intimate may reset your biological rhythm.

Thank you @pikkumyy77

I recommend some counselling if at all possible, at it sounds like you’ve got some anger that it might help to work through.

Other than that I also recommend physical closeness as recommended above, also looking into her eyes and really trying to see her, if you get me. I often ‘soften’ and see their perspectives better when I’ve really looked into my kids’ eyes.

Anything you can share just the two of you would be great too. Time, experiences, driving together and chatting.

It’s great you’re aware of this and willing to work at it. As the impact can be significant for the child who doesn’t feel properly seen or connected.

Try setting an hour aside once a week just for you two. Take her shopping, for ice cream, play a board game or even just watching a movie together. I really struggled with PND and I realised it had affected how close I was with my DD and I found I had to put the effort in to seek her out, ask her more Q's, and build that bond more and make it stronger. If she's asking then she senses it, you need to be more affectionate with her to reassure her without her asking

@pjani @Gcsunnyside23 thank you y

Lie beside her at night for 20 mins as she's going to sleep and cuddle if you can

It sounds like you need a way to work through the harm your MIL did to you. Maybe counselling.

In the meantime I agree with building physical closeness. I quite like watching a film while under a blanket with mine.

Your MiL is horrible and your DH should have stood up for you.

Even if your child is IVF, even if they mixed up the eggs (which they won't have done) she is very much your daughter.
Physical closeness, 1:1 time, finding a hobby just for the two of you, DD and I like the cinema and theatre together, just being together will help.

But you also need counselling and to manage the situation you are in with MiL, is she still around? You have negative connotations with your daughter because you link her with MiL so you need to work through that.

I haven't commented in years and had to re-set my password to comment as I feel very strongly about this.

I can really relate to this, not because my MIL was malicious but it was a cultural thing and I felt the same as you for a really long time. I got on well with my DD1 until DD2 came along and the difference of PILs not being there was enormous. I bonded so much better with DD2 to the point I almost resented DD1 being there. I carried a lot of guilt with me over the years!

I remember DD1 coming back from a school trip in Year 6 and not really seeming to be that bothered to be back. I decided there and then that something really had to change. I started to spend a lot of time just with her, we went out on hikes or coffees and discovered we liked a lot of the same things. Of course there were things that didn't really interest me but I was interested for her sake.

She is now doing her A Levels and we have the best time ever. We still love hiking, we go to concerts together and she and DD2 are my favourite people. I dread when she leaves home eventually as I genuinely love spending time with her.

It is never too late. Start with small steps. Put some time aside with just the two of you. Don't bitch about MIL to her, must be horrendous for your poor daughter having to hear that about her Mum.

As as MN says, you have a husband problem. MIL needs reigning in!

This is horrible. My MIL also made those comments about how my DD is such a daddy's girl, looks just like him etc. It's hard not to let it get to you. Is she still in your life?

That said, 9 is still very young and your DD loves you because you're her mum. There is lots of time for you to rebuild any connection you feel is lacking.

Your MIL sounds horrid. But that was 9 years ago, you can’t blame her, you’ve had plenty of time to course correct. You don’t really say why you don’t get on with your daughter, you only talk about your MIL here.

You’ve got plenty of opportunity to create a great relationship. Stop blaming or getting angry at the past,focus on creating a great relationship with your daughter now and for the future.

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages.

You can definitely turn this around, OP. Contra the PP who said “don’t blame MIL” I think there is a lot of power in imagining that you are stealing back what was taken. I also second “gazing” into your dd’s eyes—you can jump start the experience by having a candlelit tea party with her in s darkened room or going stargazing or to a campfire. As your eyes dilate you will feel more intimate and open with her. And she with you.

I can understand why you are so upset about your mil op, and with your dh, but I would use that distress and anger to start building a new, stronger relationship with your older dd, starting now, you still just have time before she hits the teen years when relationships can become temporarily difficult.

Nine is an excellent age to start a sport or a craft or hobby of some sort as they have developed the hand dexterity by that age. Why not use an activity like that to help you? Baking, art, sewing, crafts, tennis, horse-riding, ballet, climbing, swimming? Is there something you are interested in or are good at that you could teach her? Or that you would be interested in learning together?

In your shoes I would carve out two non-negotiable periods of time a week to devote to supporting her explore her interest? Even if it’s a dance class where you sit on the sidelines and watch her, you still have the journey there and back and the possibility to go out for a snack together but try and make sure it’s one-on-one. Make sure she knows that you feel privileged to spend time alone with her.

Also, when you are together with your dc, make sure your dd hears that you love her often, and occasionally “recruit” her to help you with the younger child, judiciously of course, saying things like “you are so good at this, you are such a good example to your younger sister” so she knows her opinions and actions are valued, and that she matters.

And it’s not a bad idea to have her “accidentally” overhear you complementing her to someone else.
But mainly you have to put regular time in, at least twice or three times a week, to build your relationship step by step. You can’t fast track something like this. You need to put the time investment in. Regular times when you go out and share a meal or snack together or some activity that you reserve and is “special” to you both. Even if it’s just reading a series of books together, would be better than nothing, shared activities and experiences are the key.

I wouldn't usually suggest cutting down on contact with grandparents as usually I think children benefit from spending time with loving grandparents whatever the relationship with the parents.

But tbh (and I know this will be hard to do) I think you need to start setting stricter boundaries regarding your MIL and "reclaim" your DD to a certain extent. I get the impression that you've given up on her a little bit because you associate her with your MIL and being controlled.

Do you need the childcare or can you collect your DD from school on some of your MIL's afternoons? If so, I would start by asking your MIL to have your DD2 by herself sometimes so you can spend one-on-one time with your DD1.

I would also seriously reduce the time you personally spend with your MIL if you can. She doesn't respect you or your healthy boundaries, and it is damaging for your confidence and self-worth to be around people like that. You will parent much more effectively if you cut down on the time you spend with people like this and focus on your DDs.

As for your DH, I have no words... "Spineless" doesn't even begin to cover it. His job when you were giving birth was to advocate for you, support you and protect you and your dignity. He failed you and it sounds like he's still failing you now.

Sounds hard op.
I dont have much experience on this sort of thing with my own children.
But i do however have experience as i was that child as were my sisters 4 of us did not have that connection with our mum and she did not have it with us.
As we got older it was like living with a room mate.
But my brother was her shadow still is they are very close with each other.
When we moved out we went NC we didnt have them mum daughter feelings neither did she i dont think.
Just a big nothing feeling.
But to be fair i think it was because she was never around always working and keeping us busy with stuff we didnt want to do but she thought we loved it.
Even with her days off she met friends or sent us to some activity.
She was the same with my brother but still they had that connection.
Still to this day 22 years on i still dont see her as a mum or have any feelings for her.
I know this is not the case for you.

Oh @heloq your mil sounds so much like mine, my DP has finally seen the light and realises how poisonous she is and we have gone no contact, she also impacted my time bonding with my daughter as newborn, I hate her so much for that. I’ll never forgive her.

Get marriage counselling with someone with experience in toxic and enmeshed families.