Anyone else have a really unsociable husband?

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My husband is not a sociable person. He's a home body who doesn't like being in crowds or seeing groups of people.

I struggle with this sometimes as although I wouldn't say I'm completely the opposite, I am a lot more socialable than he is.

I don't like being in crowded places, but it wouldn't put me off taking my DC somewhere at the weekend for example just because it might be a bit busy whereas DH absolutely despised busy places to the point where he doesn't do much with us unless we can guarantee it won't be busy.

I also have a lot of friends who I like to see, have dinners with, drinks with etc..

I end up doing a lot of this alone and I always feel like I'm the only one. The only one who goes to every wedding alone, every christening alone, every dinner party alone and so on.

He's not rude in the sense that if I invited a friend to ours he'd make conversation and be perfectly pleasant but he has no interest whatsoever in these sorts of events and doesn't want to go and I obviously would never force or pressure him to.

I don't make excuses anymore I'm just honest that he doesn't really do socialising.

I feel like all my friends have these husbands who accompany them to all sorts of things and mine just never does. 99% of my friends have only ever met him once at our own wedding. He gets on well enough with my best friend but that's it.

Is anyone else's husband like this? Sometimes I wonder if I can just get on with it and accept it.

Has he always been like it?

I couldn't be with someone who wasn't a social butterfly like me, so if my DP changed and become unsociable, i don't think i'd cope very well.

Yes my partner is like this and I find it very difficult.
Luckily my best friend’s partner is similar so we just see each other separately. But I have lost contact with other friends because of this. I don’t know what to do about it to be honest.

Yes…mine is quite quiet, his parents didn’t do a good job of the social “niceties” with him so it’s always been on the back foot…now in our 50s and it’s been really detrimental to me and my well-being

I have friends who lead completely separate social lives from their husbands quite happily. Either because they don't like their partner's friends, or don't have much in common and vice versa. Or one doesn't like going out. So they'll turn up at weddings alone.

But they tend to be older so aren't getting the burden of all the childcare of taking kids out.

No. And I couldn’t be married to someone who was. I don’t want to be someone’s sole link to the world of others.

OP, are you saying your husband literally never goes out of his own volition? Does he not have any friends at all?

Mine is the same, I mostly do stuff without him or ocassionally make him be sociable by inviting people over etc.

Yes, my DP is exactly like this.

I have lots of friends and do lots of things. DP doesn't.

We lead almost completely separate social lives.

It works well.

For some people, one of the things about becoming a couple or a family is not having to pretend social occasions with friends are actually needed more than just once in a while.

Mine is a tiny bit like this but nowhere near as extreme as your DH. I don't let him skip out of weddings etc. He's allowed to not dance/go back to the hotel early but he has to come as my plus one. Same with short breaks with friends. Unless there's a reason like ND then I think he needs to compromise a bit for your sake. His window of tolerance will just get smaller the more he avoids, and your resentment will grow

I always wonder how people end up with partners who are so antisocial.

How did you date? Why did you not realise this would be a problem before you married him? I know several people similar to this, my lodger is one of them. I find it stifling as he’s anyways in. Could never marry someone that just does not do any form of socialising.

Yes my husband, he’s introverted I’m extroverted but our relationship on a 1-2-1 level works really well and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had ( and I’ve had a few) but socially he does struggle, I married him knowing this from the beginning and we communicate and compromise where necessary so I’ve never seen it as a problem in our marriage, we’ve been together about 18 years now and still going strong , I go out with friends a lot more alone, he does come to family events though, I always invite him along to events with friends sometimes he will come and try and make small talk other times he just can’t face it and that’s ok.

I couldn’t be with another extrovert and I don’t think his relationship would work if he was with another introvert, but if your husband has gone from being really sociable to not wanting to socialise then it’s probably time for you to sit down and talk about your relationship and where it’s heading.

We do go out on date nights a lot though , he enjoys our alone time and is alway the first to book a restaurant or a holiday

Mine is like this too but with allowances / the odd grin and bear it. Otherwise he would just happily stay home. I think you have to speak with him and let him know how important it is to you. To make the effort for you or find a compromise he’d feel comfortable with. Okay fine, if he really doesn’t want to socialise with your friends on an average night or day out. But on the rare occasions and other partners will be there? And especially things like weddings. Hopefully you can get through to him and he steps out of his comfort zone, the only way for him to him to make changes - it can’t be healthy if he avoids going to busy places altogether. Can he get support from gp? I’m thinking CBT may help if it’s beyond the usual ‘no I just don’t fancy it’.

I don't have this problem but it's selfish of him. Whatever happened to compromiso and occasionally doing something because you know your partner etc would like it.

How did I end up with him?
Well he faked it until we were married.
He'll socialise on his own terms, so I'll host his work colleagues and friends but he'll not help to host mine or travel without some discomfort.
It's cost me a lot of my sociability.

You’re not alone, mine is like this and I think it’s got worse as we’ve got older.

I have zillions more friendship groups and different interests and am more sociable so it mostly works well. There are just a few times where I wish he would go to a wedding or holiday with me though.

He was sociable when we first met but our circumstances have changed (location etc)and he has quite a few (of the famous mumsnet top secret) hobbies so he does have an active social life in those areas.

I find him quite selfish at times and it pisses me off but it’s mostly good so I don’t rock the boat over it. But I hear you!

yep. In hindsight I should not have married him. Not because of this, but because of this and a million other things that indicated we are not compatible.

Same here.

All my friends and family know that's how things work. We are all happy with that.

Similar. He does enjoy going out or hosting, but I have to arrange it if I want anything to happen and he will usually want to leave early. He is happiest pottering about at home doing things like descaling the kettle and vacuuming so I don't mind.

Mine is very anti-social. He hates crowds and noise and will literally drive two miles out of his way to avoid built up areas. If a social event is cancelled, he's always relieved. And he absolutely hates meeting new people. Frankly, he just doesn't like people, full stop. Well, it's not so much that he doesn't like people (I mean individually), more that he doesn't like socialising.

Oddly, though, he can be excellent company. If he wanted to, he could have loads of friends and be the life and soul of the party. For a start, he's very funny – one of the funniest people I've ever met. He's also extremely well read and a brilliant conversationalist (when he's in the right mood). In fact, though I'm much more sociable, there have been times when I've lent on him to keep the conversation going. But he just doesn't need or crave company. To make it even more odd, he's also very kind and empathetic. Normally, people like him are a bit cold and detached. But he cried when a neighbours little girl died of cancer.

It does annoy me at times. He constantly makes excuses to get out of things, and then goes into a sulk when I pressure him. Then his attitude is "let's get it over with." Another thing I've noticed, is that when he doesn't like someone he hates them. To be fair, the people he dislikes are all arseholes, and I dislike them too. But whereas I can tolerate them, he can't. Like a lot of introverts, he has moody spells as well, where he kind of sinks into himself. I've got used to it now, but when we first met it really pissed me off.

Mine is very anti-social and I have sadly lost friends because of it which I feel bad about😪

During the week, I go out and do my own thing. Nothing wild, fitness classes etc

Weekends have proved tricky, so I've had to take the lead as he would be happy doing nothing.

This is my approach. We are mainly down to official celebrations, family and 1 set of 'family' friends. The rest I do separately. I think my husband is autistic so give him slack. TBH it's often more stressful when we do socialise than when we don't. So I don't mind much.

Similar here too. Dp has got less and less sociable over the years, particularly now he works from home.

I get really fed up with it. I do all the socialising with the dc, because I enjoy it and want them to learn how to be social, and am always sole parent. He'll avoid family events where possible, though will tolerate a few to keep the peace. If we go out, he'll often want to leave early. I feel I miss out ie can't go on holiday with another family, as he would refuse or be grumpy. I've sometimes felt like separating because of it, but that seems drastic, and I have learnt to carve out a social life for me and dc. It's just a long way from what I'd like!

No real advice, but solidarity.

Doesn’t that depend on becoming a couple with another unsociable person, who has also (presumably?) been socialising only in order to meet a fellow-misanthrope and be able, once you’ve bagged them, to stay in forever together?

My mother, for instance, thinks socialising is something ‘girls’ do in groups to meet men, and then each successively detaches herself from the group as she gets engaged, the socialising having fulfilled its natural function. Then women withdraw entirely into their own household as they marry and have children, and if they still go to pubs with their friends ‘there’s something wrong’.

She finds it deeply bizarre that my friendships have never been dependent on my relationship status, and that I have male friends, married and single.

How these antisocial men find partners amazes me. Every man in my life has been more sociable than me . I'm a true hermit and I've spent a lifetime looking for another!!

So not really what I meant. I also have male and female friends and different interest groups, but I don’t like the idea of being out more than about 4 times in any given month plus as and when with family. Additionally, when DC was small it just wasn’t feasible.