Anyone else’s DH undos…

[UnlimitedCake]

all the good work you do in parenting your DCs?

One example (of many)

DS (12) cleaned his room yesterday, just a 15 minute clean where I got him to set a timer on his phone. He cleared all rubbish, made his bed, cleared the floor and I praised him for doing a good job. His room isn’t perfect and still has clutter but it was a big improvement on what it was. DH came home from work and DS showed him his room, DH told him he did a “terrible job” and now DS told me what he said to him and announced that he won’t be bothering cleaning his room again as his Dad said that to him 🙄

This is one of many, many examples of DH undoing any good work I do with DS with positive reinforcement when he works hard etc.

Did you ask your husband why he was being a nasty bastard and undermining your 12 year old sons efforts?

announced that he won’t be bothering cleaning his room again as his Dad said that to him

That’s a personality trait I’d be working on hard. He should be more defiant and want to prove his dad wrong rather than fold at the first criticism. He’ll be very prone to peer pressure.

I’ve text him now (he’s in work again) asking him to please give our son positive reinforcement when he does something helpful, even if he feels like he didn’t do a good job. He replied saying he wasn’t thinking and that his room stunk (it does smell!) and he was tired and blurted it out. I have asked him to give him positive reinforcement in future.

He shouldn't have done that, being a negative prick isn't going to help anyone. But teach your child not to cave so easily. And 15 mins isn't exactly hard work, but yes a bit of praise to say well done would have given a much better message.

You may have given positive reinforcement, but did you also tell him that there is still more work to be done? Otherwise you're teaching him that a half-assed job is good enough and he doesn't need to do anything more, he'll still get the same reward.

Yes, I did tell him that he’s made a good start but there’s still lots of work to do in his room.

I think you need to give the room a good clean (together with DS?) and get rid of the smell! And then get DS to keep it that way with his 5 minutes every few days. It's difficult to praise something that still looks a mess and smells. Did you give your DH a heads up that your DS thought he had done a good job so don't be too hard on him.

If he did a poor job cleaning then he's old enough to be told that.

And if you think a 12 year gets to declare that he's not cleaning any more then I don't think there very much parenting actually happening for DH to undermine.

I told him it’s not an option to “not clean anymore” and that he can do more cleaning in his room after school today. He did what I asked him to do yesterday, made his bed, cleared all rubbish, cleared the floor etc and he did a good job and did what he was asked. His room does need a massive “blitz” which is a big job. But I don’t believe criticising the work that he did do will encourage him to keep his room clean in future.

His room does stink! Proper teenage boy sweaty sock smell 🤢 Yes needs a massive blitz and for me to help him reset it back. It’s a small room and hes got too much stuff. He’s got ADHD so struggles with organising and keeping things clean.