AIBU to offer to help my son's friends mum or will she find me condescending.

[Samthedog71717]

My son is nine he has a friend who is 8 who is new to the school, he is a lovely little boy who is new to school and I'm so happy he picked my son to be friends with. I work as a sensory integration therapist mainly with neuro diverse children and kids with acquired brain injuries so I see plenty of ND children but I don't have the necessary qualifications to diagnose. The mum has struggled getting any support where they lived before, she left a violent relationship and so obviously she has not bee able to engage with any services. There were lots of things I noted about his movements and behaviour that were not neuro typical and she struggles with him eating, sleeping, regulating himself. I include lots of "therapy" in my own sons play and noted the friend was very dysregulated before tea. We did some calling down vestibular exercises and then they ate, he tried new foods at ours and both children pretended to be animals eating from a bowl! It was all finger food with crunchy things which they loved. It just made me realise that his little boy has so much more potential when he is regulated and calm. Text came this morning to say he'd slept well for the fist time in ages. I don't know the mum very well buy I'd love to help without condescending her. Would you feel condescending to if someone offered to help. She is a great mum so no issues buy I'd hate to make her feel shit so can just leave it. Thank you.

She'll probably grab the offer with both hands. But be careful you don't over step.

You could talk to her - gradually - about what you do for a living and how you approach things with your own child but I think if you make an overt offer or start discussing her child in an advice-giving way it would be condescending and inappropriate.

Professional boundaries are important, you've only had a snapshot, you don't know enough to judge anything really.

You also need to bear in mind if you treat your kid's friends like specimens you risk other parents not wanting to socialise with your family as you're observing their kids, so be very cautious.

My son is severely autistic. I think I'd cry with relief. But I appreciate that's not the situation here.

I would maybe approach it that you do these things with your own son and her son really enjoyed joining in. See what see says... Then take her lead with maybe some gentle sentences saying you're happy to help/show/have him again.

Talk to her as a mum - make that really clear, but explain your job so she knows you have expertise. I’ve done that before (HCP). Was very clear I was sharing as a mum though

Can you be my friend please?!

I’d simply drop her a message and say “I’m so glad he slept well! Not sure if I mentioned before about my work, but I use a lot
of it at home with my son as part of his everyday routine and I’ve found it really helps him to regulate. Maybe your son picked up on some of this? Either way, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, he’s such a lovely lad and you’re doing an amazing job, but it’s so hard doing it alone and want you to know you’ve got a friend here who’s happy to help”

I’d invite him again and do what you do. If she says he was calm/slept well, you could say about your job. If she looks interested, you could give her advice.

I think given your work is in this field it’s very easy to frame this as you having extra knowledge that she couldn’t be expected to have (which is true) so I don’t think it would be a difficult conversation. The fact that she text you to say he slept well also sounds like a great time ti share some tips

Yes I don't want to over step at all and I'm aware of my professional boundaries. I do my work with children so integrate all my therapeutic inpu through play. It looks like very normal playing outside so I certainly didn't make him feel like a " specimins". What was doing is what any parents could do with heir child I just know at what point it needs to be done and how so it's nothing to heavy at all. It's just games and play.

This is a perfect message - please send this OP, you sound incredible!

To be honest at this stage I'd just say you are pleased he seemed to have a good time , you'd love to gave him to play again and that he slept well. Then I'd arrange a coffee meet up (if I wanted to be friends) and naturally talk about your role like you would normally and see where that takes you, you can then naturally get a feel of how much you want to get involved it not.

Yeah I agree with this, I think you need to know her a little better, definetly speak about your line of work and experience to her

I wish someone had spotted my childrens ND earlier. Their only 7 and 9 but like your childs friend, the difference in them once they received the right support was amazing. My son had a parents evening last week and his teacher ( of 2 years ) has said that he is a changed boy

Someone I wasnt friends with, years and years ago, told me DD was special needs, but she was so rude and nasty about it i was just offended and thought she was just saying it to be spiteful ( she definetly did want to hurt my feelings but it turns out she was right )

It looks like very normal playing outside so I certainly didn't make him feel like a " specimins" I am sure what you did with the child was fine - my point is if you go forwards uninvited and verbalise your professional opinion of a child who was there for a playdate, you may come across as if you are observing rather than just hosting. This has the potential to make other parents very wary of you.

You're also overstepping your professional boundaries.

You don't need to fix this mum's life today. Just be a good friend and let her come to you in time.

I think you know her well enough to offer help, she'd probably snap your hand off.

My DD is ND. I would hug you.

You might need to build up to it gradually, telling her what you do and that you incorporate a lot of this into your DS's play anyway, but you sound fabulous and I think the other mum and her DS will really benefit.

Given it's a new friend and she doesn't appear to have mentioned thinking he's ND to you, I'd just go with a "they had a great time, obviously tired him out lol, we must do it again" type message.

Then as you get to know her a little you could go with something like @Purplevioletsherbert suggested, either by text or in person depending on how things go.

If you don't really know each other it and she hasn't mentioned concerns, it might be overstepping to say anything now and you might push her away if she thinks you're analysing her son.

For now, they're making friends and getting on well and that's great.

I think some of the more cautious approaches are sensible not just to be sensitive to the mum but also to protect yourself from over-committing. You want to be her friend who has professional tips to share not a professional working with her son for free. Apart from anything else you need to be sensitive to your own son's needs too (eg if they fall out etc). You sound lovely and I think helping is a great thing to do since you can very easily anyway, but you don't have to rescue them both, just be friends.