Am I cold and handling this badly?

[whosenameisthisanyway]

Shall try and be as brief as possible!

DD is 11. FIL died a couple of months ago. We saw him every few months. He was a good man. DD has been thrown by this. We are having a lot of very very long, very emotional periods of sobbing and crying and - significantly more so than the grief, I think - questioning about what happens when we die /what's the point etc. This often happens at bed time/after bedtime and is oftentimes very dramatic although I don't mean that to suggest it's not genuine. It's just 'big'.

So, I'm questioning my response. I am not an emotional person. I rarely cry and I can sometimes find others' tears uncomfortable. My OH isn't a crier, exactly, but he is more patient when my daughter is like this. His family is demonstrative. Mine is not - friends have said that my upbringing sounds very cold and emotionally distant (the word 'neglectful' has been used. Maybe fairly!) I am not emotionally distant (I try not to be anyway. I have to work at it, but friends come to me with their problems and I think they find me helpful. My family too), but I do find my daughter's response worrying. I worry that sometimes it's unhelpful to sit for ages regularly with these dark feelings. My feeling is that the (my?) brain needs to be drawn towards light by doing something joyful or comforting (reading, walking, running, listening to music, calling a friend). I started to suggest this to her this evening, but my OH said that I was wrong - that she should be allowed to have time to explore how she feels about all of this. We didn't fall out and, actually, it did make her calm down and she read a book and went to sleep. But it's made me think about my own issues with being emotionally cold and a

Posted too soon!
Kind of AIBU: to encourage my daughter to try and nudge her brain away from sad thoughts and towards happier, distracting things!?

There are a few children’s workbooks you can get after a bereavement, maybe you could do one of those together?
One is called ‘muddles, puddles and sunshine’ it might be a good one for her age.

I would be similar to you in that I find people crying a bit uncomfortable also.

Has she known anyone die before?

This is the first human death. We lost a cat a few years ago and she was sometimes very sad. She would suddenly cry about it months (years) later. I felt this was 'normal' and I think it's helped her realise that grief comes in waves.

Thanks. That's taken me to a great website too.

Could you get her some books that explore death and bereavement? Jacqueline Wilson has quite a few.

Maybe she's worried that you and her dad might die now too. It's a hard thing to realise how quickly things like this can happen and become aware of mortality.

Is there any faith in the family?
It's at time like this that that sort of thing really comes in handy.

She's definitely worried that something can happen to anyone. We have spent so much time talking about all aspects of it. She's a very deep thinker. She is baptised Catholic and I think she does take some comfort from that but - as I say - over thinker, and she definitely questions it. It's part of the ruminations!

Winston's Wish is a really good website. My daughter had play therapy at school after losing a really close family mner and one of the things that came up was the fact that I didn't seem to show emotion or getting upset (I was absolutely devastated I just show my emotions) she found it really hard to connect with me because she thought her emotions were wrong (even though we'd said they werent). So I started saying things like I was sad today and wanted to talk to whoever and remembered I couldn't but then I remembered whatever and share a wee story or memory- it really seemed to help. Its not easy. Remember to be kind to you too. I soon realised I was trying to be strong for everyone else and needed time for me to grieve too x

What is your local priest like? Could you go in with her for a chat with them about things?

Sometimes an 'authority' figure can be reassuring.

That is really interesting. Thank you. I'd never considered that she might look to me and compare how I'm handling it and find herself wanting. It's obvious now you have said it - thank you.

I've decided to chat to her again at a calmer moment about why I said/think what I did/do but want to also explain that her reactions are totally normal and allowed. Maybe I'll also talk about my less emotional reactions to things too.

I'm not a crier too and quite practical. Same is true of the rest of my family (parents and brother). I realised recently we all have autistic traits. It was useful to figure out that it's normal for other people (particularly pre-teens!) to be emotional.

I'm not sure she'd be that open him but there are other people (teachers etc) that might be good for her to have a chat with.

It's also bloody SATs of course

Given that you just said you lost a cat that you thought it was normal to grieve for along time after (it is) but you think experiencing her first human death she should of basically got over by now does kinda make you seem pretty cold lol! The reality is she's probably just realised how fragile life is and what that means, I remember crying for hours as a child worried that my mum or dad would die next and it's always at night, your dh is right let her grieve and question life, just try to have an open communication with her about it rather that shutting her down or telling her how she should feel because that will backfire massively in the future.

Speaking from experience of having an 11 year old experiencing a complicated death, Winstons Wish were brilliant. They don't just help children but help as parents to support our children effectively.
One thing we can do as parents is to show that it's OK to grieve - be sad, upset, cry, talk. And then we can carry on. Role modelling that and giving her permission to be sad, talk about her feelings and then to "set it aside" for a while.
Maybe encourage her to talk about other things as well? There's a lot of change at her age and making sure that she knows she can talk / be listened to about other things? Not suggesting you don't but just picking up on your concern that she seems overwhelmed by her grandfather's death?

It's good to read your comments. She is overwhelmed. I don't want her to snap out of it - I think I worry about the way she spends so much time being sad, and feel that I personally try to (successfully) find ways to feel better. I need to be more accepting of the way she is grieving, and find some help to help her. I've found every comment here really helpful. Thanks!