Parents: when do you make time to exercise or do things for you?

[boymama88]

My DH is complaining that he needs time to himself to decompress and he’s considering taking up some sort of exercise. The problem is, he wants to do it on a Sunday morning which means I’m left to do solo childcare after doing solo childcare two full days per week already, plus I’m the default parent so even when he is around, I do the lion share of childcare. I don’t get any regular time to myself to decompress either. I might go out with friends once a month and he’ll do childcare then (which often involves gaming whilst they’re in bed…) but that’s once a month, not a weekly thing. AIBU to be annoyed that it wouldn’t be fair? The weekend is normally our time to spend time as a family. I know he’s only talking a couple of hours on a weekly basis but around my toddlers naps, that means the morning is pretty much void of doing something together. I want to support him to do what makes him happy but I can’t help but feel like I’m being lumped with a crap end of a deal.

Those with kids, when do you do things like exercise or hobbies? Any tips of how to fit it in without compromising family time?

Oh and yes, now they’re a little older their activities and parties are mainly drop off and that brings massive opportunities to exercise. I’m always the parent collecting from ballet, parties etc a bit of a sweaty mess but rarely the only one!

Weekdays I go at 5am. Dh takes the evenings.
Weekends he usually goes mornings but is back by 9am. I take the evenings.
We still get plenty of family time.
Weekends are also quite fluid. Sometimes he’s away. Sometimes I’m away. We both make sure we get our ‘me’ time as we’re both crap without it

If I want to go for a run on a Saturday morning then I will go. If DH wants to go for a walk he will. Generally my run will be less than an hour and his walk will be longer but we also both go out with friends and the others stays at home with the child. It's not really a big deal if it works both ways. I generally am default parent too but I find if I tell him I'm going out / run / exercise or whatever then he gets on with it and he knows I don't make a bit deal if he wants to.

I have a friend who gets up very early to exercise while kids are still in bed but that's not for me.

I go to the gym/run 3-4x a week and DH runs 2x a week plus football once a fortnight. We alternate early mornings/after work or if I’m unlikely to have time I’ll do a home workout during our daughters nap time.

@ShirleyPhallus different strokes for different folks.
My kids are young they are in bed by 7pm each evening, I work ft, DH 4 days a week. Dinner time and weekends is the only time we get really as a family (mornings are insane getting them out the door). We like spending time together and doing things from soft plays to beaches, museums to woods etc.

I work from home. My partner takes the kids to school 3x a week at 8.30am. I do strength training between 8.30am and starting work at 9am. I squeeze in a shower before my first meeting around 11am. Sometimes I will run at lunchtime instead. Sometimes I blatantly steal time from work. I very occasionally have 30 minutes at the weekend to exercise too. If I didn't exercise I would lose the plot, be a shit mother and end up on the sick so work can suck it up. My high level of fitness makes me a better, more creative (important my job) employee, and a better, happier parent, absolutely no doubt about it. I 'selfishly' prioritise exercise every time.

Mine are 12 and 10 and I haven’t figured this out yet. My husband finds the time and thinks I should make the time but I just don’t see how.

My usual day:
6:30 get up, make sure kids are up and getting ready, shower and dress.
7:00 unload dishwasher load and stray bits, help kids the odd breakfast task and get myself something to eat/drink
7:30 make sure kids are finishing breakfast and cleaning teeth etc then fill water bottles
7:45 say goodbye to kids as hubby takes them to school, do a few bits of housework, sometimes have time for a quiet cuppa
8:15-8:30ish (depending) start work (wfh)
12:00 quickly make lunch for my and hubby then eat at my desk
afternoon sometime pop out to pick up a kid from school depending on day/clubs then back to work
5:00-5:30 (depending) stop work, make dinner clean up, help youngest with homework, reading etc (SEN so needs extra support), some days kids need to be taken to clubs
7:30 start convincing the youngest to get ready for bed
9:00 eldest in bed and I can start my evening but I’m knackered!

Hubby works later into the evening so has the morning after school runs to exercise but as he’s working in the evening I have to be around for the kids so can’t go out in the evening until later.

To confirm, hubby also does loads of housework and admin in the mornings and helps youngest with maths/spelling on the school runs so he really does pull his weight, he just has time when he isn’t required elsewhere which I don’t.

I realise this doesn’t help you!!😂 Just rest assured you’re not the only one struggling.

I go to the gym first thing most days, my husband runs in the evenings. I feel like any hobby really has to inconvenience the house the least, hence we exercise when the kids are asleep! Any reason he can’t exercise one weekday evening, a local running group for example? If he’s insistent it’s Sunday mornings, then Saturday mornings are yours! Go for a leisurely swim, and a coffee after. Don’t martyr yourself please!

I understand your conflict OP! We had our eldest child 4 years ago which was obviously just before lockdown and just kind of fell into the habit/norm of neither of us ever doing anything or taking any time for ourselves (we also moved away from friends in this time so there wasn't much scope for a social life anyway!). It has taken a lot of effort for us to remember that we are supposed to have full, interesting, busy lives outside of just working and parenting!

DH and his group of friends go out for a full Saturday every other month together, on the alternate month they go out for just the afternoon/evening. They also play an online game together every Tuesday evening. DH will go to the gym/swim/run 3-5 days a week but always goes after the children's bedtime.

I meet up with my best friend for coffee/lunch once a month, usually on a weekday when eldest is at preschool and youngest is napping (DH WFH, so I can leave him with him). Occasionally I'll do something for a full day or an evening but rarely. I get most of my socialising with my friends who have children at playgroups/parks/etc but I know that isn't a 'break' etc, but it fills my social battery (I'm an introvert and really don't need much). I swim 3 times a week and go at 6am while DH gets DC ready for the day etc, am always home by 8am so DH can start work. DH also takes our children to visit his Dad 2-3 Sundays a month for a few hours, when I get to just be at home alone (or go out I guess, but I never have - I love getting to exist in my own home alone).

Depending what you’re thinking, in terms of a short run or whatever, go at 7.30, their Dad can fill their water bottles and finish getting them ready? Or of an evening if he’s WFH, you can pop out surely?

Take turns? He gets 2 hours, you get two hours. That’s what we do, I also use a gym with a creche so I can work out when I have the DC.

We have a 2 year old DD. I work 3 days, FH full time with a new wfh days for him and just one office day a week for me.

I will often go if he is WFH whilst I'm with DD during her nap at lunch time although when she drops that he can still watch her during that time. When DD is at nursery I'll go at my leisure around work either straight from drop off or lunch time. DH will go to the gym or run in the morning of his WFH days.

At the weekend, we all wake up together. We then each go out for our exercise, DH usually to gym and myself for a run. Tend to be done by 10.30 and come back together for a family brunch. Works well for us. You do have time to do it but you have to prioritise it I find. I don't get the luxury of rest days etc as I often have to just go when I've got a chance, even if I should be resting. I have to do it for my mental health!

You are almost certainly right about the morning. I probably could just tell them to get on with it then. Evening is more difficult as I’m non stop cooking, cleaning, helping with homework (or fighting tantrums against homework). But you’re probably right about resetting the morning routine, especially now the kids can get their own breakfast. x

He needs to go more than once a week if he wants to see an improvement. But it's a great start and so long as he gives you equal time to do what you want (and I don't mean catching up on cleaning) then he should go.

I get up at 4.45 and get there for about 5.15. Bed by 9, usually. DH goes when I come back at 6.30/6.45. That obv includes travel time.

@Chatonette Can I please ask what app you subscribe to and is it any good? Struggling to find a decent one I could do whilst baby is napping. Don’t have any time elsewhere.

I play sport two weeknights a week, once the kids are in (or very nearly in) bed. Tend to have an hour for a run on a Saturday and then play sport every other Sunday for 90 mins or so. I’m pretty flexible around weekend exercise plans so will try and work it around what we’re doing as a family. Kids are 4 and 8.

I’m very supportive of DH doing something for a similar amount of time, but he hasn’t landed on any particular hobby he’d like to do. I make sure that I volunteer to sometimes do bedtime solo, take them out at the weekend to give him time to himself to even things up. If he unilaterally decided that because he didn’t have any hobbies then I couldn’t, it would land pretty badly and be very unfair.

It’s all a balance, isn’t it? If your husband needs an outlet then listen to him. Just because you’re happy with all weekend time equaling family time doesn’t make it unreasonable for him not to think that. But I really think you should also prioritise yourself a bit and think of something that you would like to do for you.

I have 2 dds 5 and 8. WFH 4 days a week. 5th day is all other stuff, laundry, housework, batch cooking, grocery shopping etc leaving weekend mostly free for family time.

General days are -
Up 5/5.30 - basic prep empty dishwasher/bins, fill water bottles, prep lunches for me & DH.
6 - 7 - out for walk
7 - 8 - work prep, email catchup, sort diary
8 - 9.15 kids & I showered, dressed, breakfast, walk to school
9.15 - 2.45 - wfh, lunch at desk no break
2.45 - 3.15 - pick up kids, drop to activities
3.15 - 5 - finish work
5 - 8 - various clubs, homework, dinner
8 - 9 - bedtime routine, stories etc
9 - 10 - zone out, tv, book or bath then crash!

I go to pilates 1 evening while dh does homework/bedtime, he does hobby 1 night while I do kids. We all do family fitness hobby 1 evening a week.

Got to be honest and say we rarely get couple or solo time as we don't have childcare but know this will change as kids get older so just have to live with it for now.

@BellaTheDarkOverlord it’s the Peloton app (I don’t have a Peloton bike though). First month is free, then £12.99/month, cancel anytime. I do the yoga, stretching, ballet barre, HIIT cardio, core, and weightlifting classes.

@Chatonette Oo thanks! I did have a bike app when I had an exercise bike but haven’t got the bike anymore. Didn’t know it had more stuff on it. I’ll have a look 😀

my kids are 1 and 3, husband and I both work full time.

we like doing those things too, but can easily carve out 30 mins - 1 hour to exercise

DH and I do our hobbies/me time once the dcs are in bed (but things that can be done at home), I walk for exercise while DC2 has her nap, and DH has a on-site gym at work so he goes there a few times a week. Weekends are family time and neither of us have alone time, we're a little gang and do stuff together. Our choice, we do trips out that often take up the whole day including travel time, and prefer to do that than meet adult friends or do individual sport/hobbies.

Our dcs don't have early bedtimes and DH and I both need to be around in the evenings , so we wouldn't go out in the evening leaving the other to deal with it all.

DC2 will go to preschool in a few months, then I will have those day time hours to commit to more leisure time, so I see this period while they're young as a short time that they need our focus. I'm sure they'll stop wanting to hang out with us as teens so I want to make the most of it now.

When DC were small we had a gym membership with a kids club, we would take it in turns to be with them in the swimming pool while the other was working out.
When the membership got too expensive i started to get up at 6am and exercise and fit in a shower before waking them at 7am. Still do it now.

Exercise is an essential life line for me. Healthy body healthy mind. I suggest you take a weekly two hour slot to yourself. Join your own club.

Ours are two and eight, we both work part time which helps. I go to the gym most days, on working days I go before the kids get up so it doesn’t interrupt the morning routine, I made sure our son has a club on my rugby training night so I’m not really missing time with him, and my husband isn’t home with both kids, he does the same with his football training. I do have matches on a Saturday during the season, now our sons older he’ll often come with me even if my husband isn’t coming along to watch as he can be sensible before the game starts.

As we’re both part time we both have week days where we get to parent our daughter 1:1 and where we can have a bit of free time etc. Because of that we’re a bit more flexible on weekends as we do get quality family time during the week, so if one of us is feeling a bit burnt out etc they can have a day ‘off’ at the weekend every so often.

I’d be concerned if my husband didn’t have hobby time or time where he doesn’t have to be Papa, its important to have time that you can use however you wish, that shouldn’t stop when you’re a parent, so its sad that your husband thinks you don’t deserve it.