Another weekend doing everything for everyone else

[TooOldfortiktok]

Aibu to want a partner who is happy for me to have some time to myself

been with P 8 years have four year old and five year old, I also have a ten year old who sees her dad eow.

my partner works shifts, I work full time Mon to Friday. I do 90% of the school drop offs and child minder pick ups, I do majority of the after school clubs. He has a hobby he plays every sat morning so my Saturdays are spent splitting myself between football matches for my dd and birthday parties then what ever the younger two have on. Plus cleaning and doing the food shop for the week.

Sundays he will sometimes do his hobby while I have the 3 kids at a sport they all play,. There is just never any time for me. When he got back from his hobby today I asked would it be ok if I got out for a quick run or walk and he said yeah. It's 8.15pm and I still haven't been because he doesn't think it's fair on him to have to do the bed and bath routine after he worked all week and today was his only dat off (he worked a rare Saturday morning shift yesterday and couldn't do his hobby) he tells me the hobby was there before me and will shears come first.

I just wanted an hour today to myself and then the CF thinks sex will be on the cards later when I couldn't think of anything less I'd want to do

Well my legs would be staying firmly crossed - what exactly does this guy bring to your life? You need to lay the law down or he’s going to do this forever until you get so fed up you leave.

Not unreasonable at all, OP. I am married to a man who has a very active social life through two hobbies but because he is the main breadwinner, he should be able to do all of this and I should look after DS 100% of the time.

How often do you do bath and bed with both younger kids? You absolutely deserve time for yourself and run is hardly a big ask.

Sorry to hear you put up with this. You don’t ask him if it’s ok for you to go for a run/walk/coffee with a friend/whatever, you tell him and then go (maybe tell him the day before what time you are going). In fact you tell him how you feel it is unfair you do all the things (list them) and that from now on he needs to get more involved so you devise a rota together fitting around your busy week of 2 working parents, including weekend plans that include scheduled time for yourself and that is sacred. Good luck!

Equal free time.
That's the bare minimum... Absolute rock bottom minimum I would expect.

If he gets 3 hours to do a hobby, you get 3 hours.
He can bitch and complain all he like about fairness..

If he wants fair.. great. Time to divvy up the house work 50/50
Child care 50/50
Cooking 50/50

Let's see how he likes that fairness... my.giess, he wouldn't.

Congratulations OP you're his mum. 👍
.he's taking the piss, you know it.
Either do something about it or don't.

And what I'd be doing is drawing up a nice schedule of all the shit that needs doing and asking him to pick half... Or he's a dead weight and he can fuck off back to his real.mum.

Stop asking, start telling "good, you're back, I'm off out. See you later"

Did I infer correctly that he said his hobby was there before you so it will always come before you?

Because if so I think I’ve just found the winner for the Most Useless Waste of Space award.

You’re doing everything anyway. Time to shift the dead weight.

Another useless entitled husband and an unhappy enslaved domestic drone. What is wrong that women set themselves up for lives like this?

Of course you’re not unreasonable to want time to yourself but you seem very passive about doing all the domestics while he’s out enjoying himself. Why are you enabling this? Why are asking him for permission to go out for a ‘quick’ anything? Jeez op, wake up. He’s out for most of the weekend with his ‘hobbies’…What does he actually bring to the relationship? I’d be telling him to either step up or ship out.

YANBU, you deserve time to yourself. The weekends sound really busy. I would get your DP to agree what he's doing with the kids in advance so you can decide when you're free - you both commit to the plan. It doesn't need to be the same every weekend as long as you discuss before the weekend.

I would also make sure you don't plan too much with the kids - scale back activities if you feel the weekend/weeknights are too busy. I only have 2 dc and don't work full time and I still would make sure we all have some downtime at home at the weekend, even if I'm cleaning while they're playing.

Stop asking, start telling

He's not the boss of you

It's not fair for him to do bed and bath ONE night cos he's been at work all week....YOU'VE been at work all week. AND his hobby will always come first....jesus christ. This has really pissed me off.
He has Saturday morning for his hobby, you take the same amount of time Sunday morning for yours. That's fair. he can take the kids to their sport and do a bit of parenting. And make sure you join something that means you need to be there for a specific time. Fucking hell. Wanker.

You need to read/watch this and then have conversation with DP. All time is equal. Your time is not less valuable than his and you should both get the same amount of leisure time.

https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-book

All the childcare, cleaning, laundry, mental load (remembering who needs to be where, booking the dentist etc) IS work. It’s just unpaid and you get no sick leave. Im angry on your behalf OP.

Yes! What a prize twat! When I think about how I spent my time pre kids. If I did the same as the OPs partner - I’d be heading off every Saturday morning to a coffee shop to leisurely read the paper leaving him at home to parent.

Do not ask! Just say, glad you enjoyed your morning babe (or whatever) just to let you know I’m popping out- back about 5. There’s pizza in the fridge.

You need to get organised though and just go- if he’s around in the afternoon then I’d be ready to go more or less as soon as he’s back from his hobby. I’d also ignore any calls the first couple of times if he rings. If you spend hours fanning about with the kids or doing odd jobs then, as you now know, you’ll never get out. If you know bedtime will be difficult I’d also be back for that- if he enjoys himself then this would be an added benefit!

It's 8.15pm and I still haven't been because he doesn't think it's fair on him to have to do the bed and bath routine after he worked all week and today was his only [day] off (he worked a rare Saturday morning shift yesterday and couldn't do his hobby) he tells me the hobby was there before me and will [always] come first.

@TooOldfortiktok Oh, okay then. Since you said he’ll now additionally still expect sex to be on for tonight, tell him his hand came before you, and it’ll be always coming first for quite a while now.

This is pathetic. Yes, he had the hobby before he had you or children. So every time he misses something in his children’s lives, his answer is going to be, “Sorry kids, I had the hobby before you and it will always come first.” I’m sure that won’t screw them up for life. And you BOTH work full time, yet somehow he can’t manage a bath-time? Tell him to get in the bin. Actually fuck it, tell him to get in the sea; you don’t want him to be accidentally returned. I’m not saying LTB, but he sounds VERY unlikely to go to counseling, and you shouldn’t be putting up with another 10, 15, 20 years of this before you reach a breaking point. You’re allowed to say enough is enough now.

I have nothing to help but I'm in your situation and really feeling it tonight.

He does his hobby Saturday morning? Then Saturday afternoon is yours. If he does the whole Sunday book the next Sunday something for you. He doesn't want to do bath and bed? Tough then he shouldn't have had kids. Go out anyway. Stop asking and starting taking the time you are entitled to. He is not more important than you. If he whines ask him 'why is your time more important than mine?'