Who is unreasonable? Me or friend?

[beebop33]

I have a friend who I've known for nearly 10 years. She used to live around the corner and we met on the school run. We would walk together everyday and often pop for coffee etc afterwards. Our kids became friends. We had lots of nights out together and generally became very close, although whereas I'm a fairly placid person she can be very highly strung and dramatic. This may be relevant.

Anyway last year she moved away - still in the area but a good drive away. We no longer naturally see each other for school runs and despite promising we'd keep in touch, with work and family life we've probably only seen each other once or twice in the last 6 months.

This is the aibu. She will often text asking to pop in or meet up but it's always 'in half an hour'. Usually I'm either tied up with chores or still in my dressing gown or otherwise busy with something at such short notice so I have to say no. But I always offer an alternative - can't today but how about tomorrow or next week? For whatever reason she then finds an excuse not to.

I've been thinking and I feel like she doesn't want to forward plan anything in case she gets a better offer. But if she's got a spare hour with nothing else to do she'll try and see me. The worst thing is she seems to be getting annoyed about me not being available at the drop of a hat. Lots of pass agg comments about never seeing each other anymore.

Aibu here? Is it wrong to want a bit of notice? Obviously if I was free I would see her but generally I just prefer to forward plan so I can organise my time.

You've just got different styles, she's a spur of the moment, you're a planner. Neither of you are wrong. Why can't she come for coffee if you're in your dressing gown? You've known her years, does it matter?

Neither of you are wrong. You are just different. If you wanted to make time for her you would. If she wanted to make time for you she would.

Aww I'd love my friend to take an hour out of her day and pop in to see me. I'd postpone chores for that and quickly get dressed.

I'd rather get dressed again and catch up with a mate than say no I'm in my pjs and not see her.

We're just all different I guess.

Isn't it more likely that she happens to be in your area for some other reason and figures she could pop in? You'd be equally annoyed if you knew she'd been somewhere close by and not even bothered to contact you.

I think you're probably right. She wants to use you if she has a bit of free time and is bored bit doesn't want to plan anything in case something better comes up and she's not even trying to hide that that's what she's doing.
I would take that as either she doesn't care about how she makes me feel, or she's insulting my intelligence.
So I wouldn't care to see her any more.

I agree we have different styles and that's totally fine. While I'm happy to accept that she is the one choosing to become offended (this is why I mentioned her personality in my first post).

I feel like because of her strong personality I did sometimes cave in and go along with her ideas during our friendship simply because she's more assertive than me. I don't see why I should carry on always being the one to compromise.

And it may sound daft but I am one of those people who doesn't like to be seen unwashed in my dressing gown even by my closest friends.

Agreed with this. I'm a bit like you that I'd rather have a bit of notice, but equally I don't really like planning weeks in advance for something as simple as a coffee. If you offer a meet up with a days notice or so would that maybe kind of agree with you both perhaps? Also I have loads of friends that I rarely get to see anymore as life is just so busy, it doesn't mean anything passive agressive for either party. We all recognise that it's difficult to make plans in this season of life.

Neither are wrong, just different styles.
Im more like your friend-it isn’t because I’m hanging around for a better offer. I’m just spare of the moment and also really busy so if I find myself with a spare hour or so I’ll try and squeeze in a visit to a friend or similar.
Have to say, for the “placid” one of the friendship you’re taking this awfully personally. Perhaps you’re the highly strung one after all.

Also find it a bit odd to arrange something as casual a quick coffee so far in advance, especially with a long time close friend.

I don’t think she’s any grounds to get huffy if you’re offering to arrange something and she’s not bothering to set something up for a mutually convenient time

It’s fine to ask if you're about but bit of a cheek to get annoyed that you’re not available at zero notice! This is entirely about her convenience, and yours isn’t even on the radar.

If she was that desperate to meet up, she’d arrange something. I don’t buy this ‘she doesn’t do planning, it’s not her style’. It’s a part of life, it’s not possible she functions without ever planning things

"It’s fine to ask if you're about but bit of a cheek to get annoyed that you’re not available at zero notice! This is entirely about her convenience, and yours isn’t even on the radar."

This is exactly how I feel to be honest.

Next time you’re free why not text her and see if you can meet up?

Have done that before and guess what, she was busy 😂

I have lots of friends who I can go months without seeing purely due to busy schedules, kids, work and so on. And there's never any bad feeling or assumption that one of us is being offish or no longer bothered about the friendship. It's just this one particular friend who gets the hump and it makes me feel really awkward. Like I have to make myself available at her convenience at a moments notice.

If you get into the habit of having a 5 minute wash and change into clothes when you get up, you'll always be ready for anything that happens in your day.

I think it is just different styles. But I favour yours re planning a meet up and I think that’s the default style as it’s objectively more polite.

But why should she if she doesn’t like working things that way?

So play her at her own game and keep doing it! 😉

Sounds like you're both too busy to maintain the relationship.

I’m with you. If I happen to be free I’m fine with a last minute meet up. But I need to at least feel put together (dressed, tidy, not in a rush to get somewhere else) or it just won’t work. I really can’t see how she can be annoyed you’re not available when you haven’t made a plan!

I don't think this is about who is being unreasonable in terms of your styles in trying to meet up - she wants to be spontaneous and you want prior notice - fine. I think she is wrong if she does not accept you don't want to meet up that way. If she makes a pass agg comment about never seeing you, you can say "I know, it's been ages! Let me have some dates for next week?" or similar.

At best you will make plans to see her that suit you both and at worst you've made your point that you're not the sole reason you haven't seen her.