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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to stay over

20 replies

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 18:25

Hello. So background info. I'm 31, autistic divorced own home, special needs teacher with 3 cats and a dog. Been with my partner for nearly 2 years now hes 36 and has been living with his mom to help her care for his grandad (agreed for a year but has now been 3). Neither of us drive we live 30mins away from each other. So originally he said he would spend weekends at mine as its not shared. However this soon became alternate as his mom wanted us to care for his grandad so she could go out. This then turned into majority at his home.

So I have always had anxiety attacks before I go to stay, I have to leave my home and cats, to go stay in a single bed, single bedroom for the weekend where we mostly have to get takeaway as the food in the house is suitable for his grandad, be quiet, turn of tv etc, be careful of what we say and language. I also have a surgical issue meaning I need cleaning facilities but the house is grim.. unfortunately I often return home with spotty skin and an infections( surgical). Now a couple of months ago their bathroom was out of action leaving a toilet but no other facilities to share so I said that was too much and wouldn't go. After not going for a couple of weeks, I started to feel a mental improvement (had a tough few years with health affecting my mental health).

I explained everything to my partner about the anxiety, feeling like a teenager being told off or what to do etc (everything but the cleanliness issue). He is mad at me and this is a continuing argument as he feels I'm being completely unreasonable to not want to stay there regularly, or take care of his grandad every other weekend and I am overreacting. Am I completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/04/2024 18:27

He wants help more than he wants you to be happy and mentally and physically well.

You need to prioritise your wellbeing. Stay at home.

Flickersy · 28/04/2024 18:34

You're not compatible.

He has family caring responsibilities which will take priority. Unless his grandfather dies it's unlikely that will change.

Original poster

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 18:37

To explain he doesn't have caring duties, he offered temporary assistance and has explained we are soon planning to live together and so he will not be there constantly. However his mom expects that he will be there and has told him he is not allowed to move out and has told me this along with that she does not want us to have children. He has explained to her that he will be moving out and he is not a carer.

OP posts:

Springforwardnow · 28/04/2024 18:39

Given your own personal health and well being needs, the fact you have animals dependant on you, the fact the conditions you are being asked to live in when you are at his Mom's are totally inadequate, you are not being unreasonable at all in not wanting to stay there.
I would suggest he is being unreasonable asking you to stay there with him.
You should put your own welfare and that of your pets first.

Bigredpants · 28/04/2024 18:40

Good grief. Stay home where it’s clean and your animals need you.
You have compromised too much already and are not being shown respect or understanding.
What positive things does this relationship bring you?

Original poster

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 18:43

He is genuinely very kind and loving. And this is our only bone of contention. When he is with me he completely understands but when his mom is going out/away and needs him there his attitude towards the issue changes from understanding to I need to get over it. Too add I haven't mentioned the cleanliness issue as I don't wish to offend and I am aware my standards are high.

OP posts:

mynameiscalypso · 28/04/2024 18:45

He prioritises his mum over you. That's not much of a basis for a relationship

Springforwardnow · 28/04/2024 18:51

Just seen your updates OP.
I agree with pp that it is worrying that his mum thinks she has the right to call the shots in his life. It doesn't bode well for the future for you and your dp if she and what she wants is his priority. Not good if he says one thing to you and then it changes when she says otherwise.

Rosestulips · 28/04/2024 18:55

Jesus, someone is being unreasonable and it’s definitely not you.

That’s not a relationship, it’s not a liveable situation. Everything you have said is reasonable to not want to stay, they need to pay for a carer if Mum can’t provide this on her own.

Shinyandnew1 · 28/04/2024 18:59

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 18:37

He’s telling you lots of things, but is essentially doing exactly what his mum tells him to do. He’s not moving out, is he?

I would stay in your house. If he wants to join you for some weekends, he’s welcome, if he can disobey his mother’s orders that is! If he would rather do what she says, then that’s the end of your relationship really.

Original poster

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 19:02

Thank you everyone, I did give him a bit of telling today and wondered whether I was in the wrong. He is upset as he feels every other weekend isn't much but when you have an intense job like mine comfort and relaxation is key. In regards to a carer I believe the promise of inheritance has a heavy hand in why a carer has not been considered. Plus over staying there so much ive put on weight and the dog, because of the food and not being able to go out so for me there is so much at play. And whilst he is wonderful in every other way and I enjoy my time with him, I have said I must look after myself.

OP posts:

sesquipedalian · 28/04/2024 19:06

“his mom expects that he will be there and has told him he is not allowed to move out”

His mother has told a 36 year old that he’s “not allowed” to move out? Well if he takes any notice, he’s going to be with Mumsy for the rest of her life, and the fact that she “doesn’t want you to have children” is a big red flag - she doesn’t want to lose her live-in companion. Do you always want to come second to someone’s mother? Because unless the situation changes and he moves out, you will, and even then, I’d wager his mother will play the emotional blackmail card. You need to think about what YOU want fro this relationship, and just how much you are prepared to put up with.

xyz111 · 28/04/2024 19:22

Is your partner also ND? His mum sounds awful, saying he can't move out or you having children together.

StridTheKiller · 28/04/2024 19:24

Fuck that. YANBU.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 28/04/2024 19:32

Absolutely not unreasonable. You must put your own health first.

Singleandproud · 28/04/2024 19:33

Yea, I would never have stayed over. I would have seen him EOW and enjoyed the other weekend to myself.

In terms of the future and moving in together I would think long and hard about it 1) how much of the food and cleanliness issue is actually your BF? He will bring that in to your home too he won't change. If he wanted you to stay there and considered you a priority then he would have cleaned up properly and ensured there was appropriate food in he fridge. He needs to live on his own for a while and learn how to run a house rather than jump from mummy doing everything to you doing everything for himl

Will you actually be happy having someone else in your space? I've lived on my own (with DD) for a long time and I'd hate to share with another adult now.

3)Would you be happy with such a interfering potential MiL? How dare she tell you you can't have children. It sounds like she will be far more involved should you continue the relationship than she should be.

Caroparo52 · 28/04/2024 19:43

Stay home. Looking after your own health and your own dependants... the cats. Over at his mum's it sounds a very much that help is needed but not your direct problem. The lack of hygiene is not acceptable given your own needs.
Tell dp it's stay at mine or nothing. Good luck

Original poster

BePlumBee · 28/04/2024 19:49

Again thank you. He lived independently until he moved in to help and was known to be spotlessly clean in his own home. So I don't think that would be an issue as the home isn't his so he just follows suit with everyone else. He has told his mom that she isn't being reasonable and moving in together is taking time due to work transport etc. He spent time where due to his moms choices he didn't speak to her or see her for years so I believe if she pushes too much he won't have an issue drawing boundaries. Just now being there in het home there is obviously some blurring of expectations and most like some playing on emotions. I have no issue with his mom as long as she lets us be which I think is more of an issue as she sees herself as doing him a favour at the moment.

OP posts:

pictoosh · 28/04/2024 20:27

Och no way would I spend my weekend doing this.
Yanbu.

candycane222 · 28/04/2024 21:14

Like so many men, he seems happy to be nice to you when you make life easy for him, and happy to say the right thing to keep you sweet, but he isn't putting you first. At all. He's putting himself first, which means not disobeying his mother.

Hard to see that ever changing tbh. He says he wants to move in with you but -again, is this just words to keep you sweet?

It may be that because you are ND you find it harder to grasp that his words mean nothing - but then again, plenty of NT women fall for exactly the same kind of bullshit.

It's no judgement on you for believing him - why would someone who claims to love you decieve you like this? Well, maybe because it enables him to get what he wants with least effort. Maybe he even believes what he's saying at the time he says it - until Mum comes along and says the opposite, and wipes away his previous good intentions. It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you are not as important to him as his mum, and that doesn't look likely to change.. Sorry.

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