To confront my in laws

[Itsbritneybisssh]

Right, so mixed marriage. In laws not great with me due to being white. BUT they’re ok. One aunt and uncle toxic and put boot in and any chance. Avoid them at all costs. I’m LC with FIL but see my MIL occasionally.

so dh and I have flex working him 9/10 and me 19/20 so basically I have one lieu day a month and dh 2, MIL has kindly been watching my youngest once a month for nursery. We pay her. This year she’s watched him twice as we’ve had leave etc

dh also covers all maintenance on her home, and bills etc. FIL left her for another woman but they are still married, she’s not divorced him for as I understand it cultural reasons.

so to the problem, she’s been spending time with FIL again even though he still lives with and has done for the last 25 years. She’s also been spending more and more time with toxic aunt and uncle, despite previously been LC with them due to them being users.

well now, since seeing them she doesn’t want to see my youngest and watching him once a month, because he’s too bad. He’s 2, and whilst hes excitable he’s not a terror, he just can’t be plonked down and sit still for hours on end, because hes 2. But together they’ve been saying all bad things about him and how it’s because of me etc. She also doesn’t want him around her house anymore.

she got the uncle to say to dh she won’t watch him anymore and at the same time delivered a laundry list of things to fix at the house and what she wants doing. New boiler for one and house redecorated.

now if she doesn’t want to watch him fine, it’s her right but I do think you can expect then dh to do up your house. And then to as a group of adults bad mouthing a child. It’s so unkind.

she also is very vocal about when the time comes she wants to live with us and take care of her and I don’t know I feel like this sort of thing goes both ways.

dh has just said fine that’s cool but I can’t come around as often as I’ll have more work to make up at the weekend and after work hours if I go to 4/5. Unfortunately I can’t get anymore lieu days due to my job. But I feel like he’s no where near as cross as he should be, not just with the Aunty and uncle and FIL all bad mouthing his child but also his mum who rather than stick up for a kid just rolled over and agreed and refused to watch him.

he’s not even that excitable him and his sibling just bicker and fight sometimes but mostly he just wants to play and chat to people, not sit down and gossip and watch foreign language telly that he doesn’t understand.

am I over reacting?

Youre blurring the issues

The fact ahe wants to spemd time worh her family is nothing to do with you and is a swperate issue. Shes entitled to see aa much or as little as she likes of them

Childcare. 2 year olds are bloody hard work yours is too much fpr her. Shes been honest about it. The childcare is now for you to sort out

Lots of cultures. The children look after the parents. Its really only Brits that tend not to
Its normal and expected where i live too

she Can see who she pleases and when I don’t care, the point is those people always a have a lot of negative things to say.

i forgot to put it in the OP but DH had visited his M with the kids, and then called back because he left his card, the aunt and uncle where they, his mum thought she ended the call but hadn’t and dh heard all these things they started saying how ds was a horrible child, it’s my genes that have caused it, how he looks ugly because there’s something wrong with him and how MIL shouldn’t watch him and allow him in her house. Then next time dh spoke to mil that’s all that she said back to DH… that’s why I’m upset

Distracted from cooking sorry, didn’t mean to drip feed

It's possible that she finds your son a handful and the timing (following with her spending more time with FIL and Aunt/Uncle) is only a coincidence. But I think you're right that the type of culture that expects to the oldest generation to move in with the younger and be 'cared for' in their home does usually put in the work to help with the raising of their grandchildren. She can't have it all her own way, in other words.

I'd be unhappy with her, but obviously your DH will probably react differently. It's his family and the culture he was brought up in. Many people make allowances for their own family that they wouldn't make for others, including in-laws.

If you're on the same page regarding the big issues (such as him not spending all his time/money fixing up her house if she doesn't do favours like watching your child, and she's certainly not to expect to move in with you just on her say-so), that's the important thing. He may not see his mother's behaviour the way you do, but as long as he's not expecting you to let her call all the shots, you can agree to disagree.

Ŵell yes thats quite a drip feed. But still you are blurring the issues.

Your DH should confront her about the comments

You and him should make alternative arrangements for child care

I dont think it’s blurring the issues, it’s that you can’t have it both ways, as PP said you can’t refuse to do a favour and expect us to fund your home decor and you living with us.

but she’s fine to not want to babysit, it’s fundamentally her choice. Dh can move to 4/5, his work is great like that. But it’s to want grandkids to post on Sm but ban them from your house and refuse to see them but still expect a relationship

Ah, your update puts things in a different light.

In that case, YANBU to be angry that your husband can so easily look past these things. I don't know what you can do, though. If he doesn't see how horrible that is on his own, your pointing it out and explaining it may not help. I'd try, though.

I'd also probably have to talk to MIL about what you've heard and how obviously hurtful that is. She's free to not want to watch your son, but she should understand that this is still her grandchild, and if she wants a decent relationship with him and your other children, she needs to stand up for him.

I'd also be very resistant to any suggestions of spending my family's time and money helping her, unless she changes her tune and starts putting some effort into supporting us in return. (And there's no way she'd be moving in with me, either.)

Your DH needs to start putting his child first. He won’t be able to pay for his mother’s house and bills if he is also upping childcare costs. He won’t have time to work on her house due to the extra childcare. Your MIL needs to figure out how to become independent.

She can spend time with whoever she wants. If she finds childcare too much to manage then fair enough. Your H does have to prioritise his child’s care though.

That’s what I mean and I’m equally angry with him. He said he doesn’t want to give aunt and uncle more to gossip about by confronting anything but he just rolls over and says ok and it’s so hurtful to me and the kids.

thanks for both your posts! You’ve affirmed how I’ve been feeling