Why are some people so unnecessarily horrible?

[Amelie2020]

I know I shouldn’t be upset or angered by an older lady who clearly must have some personal issues but I can’t seem to let it wash over me.

I’m 38, married, have tried for kids to no avail. I have a dog that I adore and realise she’s probably a caring outlet for my lack of kids.

I live rurally, in a small sleepy village but have only been in this particular village for a couple of years. I lived a few miles down the road for years.

I’m warm, polite and smile and say hello to everyone I encounter. I’m well versed in countryside etiquette. I pick up after my dog, have her on the lead near livestock and only walk where I’m permitted.

I was walking along a track one day when this older lady and her whippet were walking towards me. My dog, a Labrador retriever crouched a little and ‘stalked’ for a couple of steps as they walked towards us. Often this is a sign my dog would like play a game of zoomies so I chuckled a bit and patted my side for her to stay alongside me as I hadn’t met the lady or dog before.

I said hello and as we went to pass, both dogs erupted in barks and air snapping. I was shocked and froze, the lady clapped her hands and shouted. Admittedly she dealt with it better than me as I was just plain surprised as it was totally out of character for my dog.

It was very brief, lasting a few seconds at most and my dog scuttled to the side in submission. I put her on the lead and apologised to the lady (I have a habit for apologising for everything) and said I was a bit shocked and embarrassed as it’s not something I’ve experienced with my dog.

She said ‘well, no harm done’. We both went on our way.

I got home and mentioned it to my husband as it was not normal behaviour and then promptly forgot about it.

About a month later, I walked down the road with my husband and dog for a walk. A car came really close alongside us and my husband commented that the car had nearly hit him. The car the pulled up in the road 30 feet away.

The older lady came storming over out of the car and proceeded to point at me. She started ranting at me that my she’d been looking for me. That she didn’t know who you were or where you lived. I then got this story about her dog having been bitten by my dog after the above incident. She said it was so bad, it needed stitches but that she didn’t take her dog to the vet and treated it at home because she had Covid. She then said she didn’t know if I had insurance.

I listened to her spout off at me and kept apologising (you get the picture, I am bad at confrontation and end up fawning to make it stop). She didn’t really let me speak until I asked where was her dog injured. She replied that it was on the back leg, under the dog’s coat and that she hadn’t realised later that day.

I thought she was going to say on the dog’s face or nose as when they had air snapped, their faces were quite close but then my dog moved to the side and submitted. My dog never went behind hers and we were walking towards each other.

I knew that this was rubbish and she clearly just wanted to argue with me. Apparently she’d told all her neighbours about my viscous dog, so I’m constantly shunned.

My husband stepped in and tried to put her in her place as she was being so aggressive. He said, hang on a minute, you’re saying my dog but your dog but I just think that’s rubbish. I know my dog and you would’ve heard a yelp if there was any sort of fight or wound made like that. She began finger pointing again and saying how rude my husband was. She then said we weren’t allowed to walk on the track by her house. It’s a public right of way. My husband argued but I just, I won’t walk there any more.

She walks away and I’m left in tears. My poor dog doesn’t deserve this and I’m shocked by being accosted in the middle of the road.

We rarely see her around but it weighs on me that I might bump into her. My husband was in the field one day when they were both there. I think she didn’t recognise my husband as they passed each other and the dogs without a batted eyelid or a flinch from either dog.

Today I went out for a walk and she happened to be ahead of me. I kept a distance of about 50 feet and my dog was on the lead. I can feel her bitterness radiating.

She turned round at the gate and blocked it. ‘You can’t walk this way or neither dog can be let off the lead’. I don’t know why this woman makes me so angry. She’s just so bitter and entitled. She behaves like lady of the manor when well, she doesn’t live in one. It’s like she owns the land and speaks down to me because she has a nice looking house that she inherited and I’ve just moved here.

AIBU to be mad about this? How can I let it go?

I suggest you speak to your local PCSO or the non-emergency local police, and tell them exactly what you have told us. It might be a good idea to inform the local dog warden as well, and copy in Neighbourhood Watch and your local councillor too.

She sounds horrible, but you really mustn't let her get to you. I know it's hard.

Stonewall is the best option in this scenario. Completely blank her and carry on past whenever you can. She wants a reaction from you.

Also, were both dogs off lead in the altercation, and which dog initiated the aggression, can you remember? It's interesting you say your dog is never aggressive, but was in this situation. Which makes me assume her dog (off-lead?) was the instigator.

She’s just so bitter and entitled.

Yep. She sounds batshit crazy. Personally, I wouldn't speak with a PCSO unless she threatens you with her vehicle again, or blocks your right of way again. Instead, chat to some more of the locals, and see what they think of her.

"Oh piss off you ridiculous cow"....

But I am equally unpleasant sometimes.

In this type of scenario a firm ‘fuck off’ right in her face will probably get her to back off. These type of people prey on those who don’t like confrontation, they get off on the feeling of power. I know it will be hard but tell her where to go, she already seems to think you are trouble anyway so you might as well.

It really doesn’t matter who said what or what dog started it etc, she can’t tell you where to walk and that is just that.

Ask everyone you talk to if they know about the ‘crazy lady’ who you think might need help as she keeps ranting at you like a lunatic. Play her at her own game.

She does sound like a nasty woman. It sounds like spending time with your dog is your ‘you time’ and it must be horrible to be on tenterhooks not knowing if you’ll bump into her. You shouldn’t have to but I’d be walking other places for now, even if it means a short drive to get to them, just because I’m like you and I don’t like confrontation.

Let me tell you a story. Years ago I moved to a flat in a new area with my then 1 year old dog. There was a local park which i took my dog to. One day my dog went to sniff another dog and an old man with his arm in a sling with the dog started shouting at me and stormed off. I was baffled. I'd never seen him in my life and had only just moved to the area.

On the top floor of my block was a dog a completely different breed to mine, much thinner but the same colour and bigger, hang on to this bit because it's important.

For months every time I saw this man he kept scowling at me then storming off. I had no idea whatsoever what his problem was. I've never seen him in my life. Then one day I got talking to another dog walker. They told me he had informed them that my dog attacked his dog and he was knocked over and broke his arm. She was as shocked as me because she'd often stopped to stroke my dog and couldn't believe what she was hearing.

It turned out that BEFORE I MOVED IN... the dog upstairs had attacked his dog, he got caught up in the lead and tripped over breaking his wrist. I then moved in weeks later and he somehow convinced himself that it was my dog that attacked his dog even though I didn't even live there when it happened, and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen all about me and my vicious dog.

This went on for more than a year until another dog owner who knew him well and knew I didn't even live there when it happened (because I moved into his mates old flat) finally put him straight for me and told him he had made a mistake and got completely the wrong person and it was nothing to do with me because I didn't even live in the town when it happened. Suddenly the scowling and storming off stopped, but never once did he ever apologise to me for the things he was saying about me to all and sundry.

What I'm saying is sometimes people get it wrong but don't realise they are wrong. Maybe she had a subsequent encounter with another dog that just looked similar?

Genrally, OP, I've noted people with dogs are on the whole very rude when you ask/tell them to keep their dog away from me/us, our grand kids. Other family and friends have experienced this as well

YANBU

She’s awful, clearly wanted you to offer her money for the vet bills for this highly suspect “injury”, and the best thing to do is ignore her. As PPs suggested, if she continues to harass, threaten and abuse you, inform the police.
Meanwhile you’d really benefit from training yourself out of this habit of endlessly apologising for things that aren’t your fault. At best it makes you look extremely weak and a bit silly. At worst it could be interpreted as you admitting liability for accident damage/ injury that was in no way your fault- “she admitted at the scene it was her fault and apologised profusely”.

^ This, with full force. Practice it at home before you next see her because sure as eggs are eggs you WILL see her again. There are many types of people in this world and she happens to be the deeply unpleasant type that gets a kick out of "self-righteously" putting others in their place.

Let this little story cheer you up and show you the power of a well-placed put down. I once worked with a real prize of an arrogant barman. He acted all superior than thou and finally I'd had enough and told my boss that I was quitting because of this bloke. Boss asked me to stay saying she'd talk to him. I said I didn't expect this would work so I'd put in my 2 weeks' notice and then say ta ta.

So, my final night comes and myself and another barmaid are cleaning up when Mr arrogant starts throwing his weight around with the other barmaid. She gave this deep heaving sigh, looked him in the eye and said, "You know why BigTubOfLard is leaving don't you?" He had the grace to look ashamed and slink away. Put this woman in her place and she will back off x

I shouldn’t be upset or angered by an older lady who clearly must have some personal issues
She’s just so bitter and entitled.

There seem to be a few of these pesky old unpleasant elderly owners of dogs cropping up today.
Thank goodness I’m a cat person. I shall be nothing but sweetness and light in my dotage 😸 (lighthearted).
Imo, old/older/elderly add nothing useful as descriptors, they just reinforce certain stereotypes. Don’t be intimidated by nasty people, young or old, op.

Who the fuck do you think you are talking to might be the best approach

As an owner of many whippets and greyhounds over the years, the cut on its leg could've been from anything. Their skin is like wet paper, mine were forever cutting themselves on twigs, brambles, thin air. She probably found the cut and just decided to blame you and your dog. Why? Who knows. Some people are just like that. Any excuse to get their feathers ruffled and bloviate about how terrible the young/old/foreigners/newcomers/whatever are.

Agree with others, just laugh and tell her to get fucked next time she says anything. She's already clocked you as someone who doesn't like confrontation and is using that to get her little power trip. Don't let her!

If she starts again at you I would calmly but firmly say, "Please don't tell lies, the dogs did not get close enough for mine to bite yours as you well know. If you continue to tell lies, harrass me and try to prohibit me from walking on public paths, I will have no alternative but to report you to the police for harrassment." Then walk away with your head held high. She needs to know you are not intimidated by her lies. She has quite possibly tried it on with other people and their dogs. I would happily share my story with other local people you come into contact with too, you may find she is well known, you have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of so fight the urge to apologise or fawn.

@MonsteraMama I was just about to say the same - my dd's greyhound cross can manage to cut himself just doing a quick run round the garden. As you say, skin like wet paper!

Just saw this up thread, not from op -

One day my dog went to sniff another dog and an old man with his arm in a sling with the dog started shouting at me and stormed off.

They’re always ‘old’, aren’t they? Probably at least 50
Why not just ‘a man…..’?

We live in a village and have a local landowner who is notorious for always giving everyone grief - over anything, all the time!

It’s now become a matter of honour to have your own story to tell of how she went off at you.

Only thing I can think is perhaps people like this will stress themselves into an early grave.

Maybe your older lady is one of these.

I normally have good manners but I think that I would have to ask if she is always that rude and tell her to pick on somebody else.

I'm not surprised if you're ordering people about and therefore declaring some innocent, friendly dogs as dangerous! JFC

YABU not to just tell her to go fuck herself the minute she started acting crazy. Apologising and agreeing to avoid her house was bizarre behaviour on your part. You are a grown woman and you don't have to take any nonsense from her.

Why is her age relevant?

to answer your question - in my
experience some people
are very miserable with their lives so are arseholes. It’s very much a “it’s her problem, nothing to do with you” issue. Agree just tell her to bugger off or laugh and tell
her not to be so silly. Not your problem she hates her life OP ☺️

Just tell her to fuck off, stop telling lies about you and harassing you. I doubt you are the only person she has done it to, but she knows now that you are easily intimidated. The only way to stop her is to dish it right back to her. And NO APOLOGIES to her, EVER!

I find ‘oh do fuck off’ helpful when dealing with people like this - there’s a chap in our local wood who thinks I shouldn’t be walking two large dogs by myself because in just a little woman and should probably have a chihuahua or something in a pretty bag. He frequently tells me my dogs are out of control despite the fact they are on lead sat waiting for him to pass they do bark if he comes too close to or raises his voice to me but hey that’s their job. At this point I believe he is just trying to get the reaction from the dogs to try to prove his own point

Apparently she’d told all her neighbours about my viscous dog, so I’m constantly shunned.

Are you sure about this OP? Even if your dog had bitten hers without either of you realising she hardly broached it in the right way. It's perfectly possible to raise this without going completely apeshit. If she's over reacted like this with you she's probably done it with others too.

If you feel you are being shunned it's more likely that people don't want to get involved with the local nutter (her, not you) rather than any animus against you. I'm sure you can come back from this by just continuing as normal.