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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my ex should pack for his holiday?

26 replies

Noed · 28/04/2024 13:38

My ex has booked a 7 day holiday in July which he is taking our 2 DC with him.
I know that he will expect me to pack for them and make sure they have everything they need.
I can't afford a holiday this year so I wasn't planning on buying the DC a summer wardrobe but I'm going to have to for their holiday.
I provide all clothes, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc for their weekends at their Dads and I get the bags dropped back with the dirty washing.
He thinks because he pays maintenance this is reasonable and I should be providing everything they need.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this.

OP posts:
Imnotarestaurant · 28/04/2024 13:42

Message him now and say the children will need clothes for their holiday as they don’t currently have any. He has a few months to buy a few sets of t-shirts and shorts.

Floofydawg · 28/04/2024 13:44

Oh this sounds very familiar. Don't do his parenting for him. He buys, packs and washes all clothes. You're not his maid.

User1979289 · 28/04/2024 13:45

Just don't do it - how else will he learn?

Floofydawg · 28/04/2024 13:46

Wait, he doesn't even provide toothbrushes & toothpaste at his house? WTF?

Desperatelyneedabreak · 28/04/2024 13:46

Don't they already have summer clothes? Do you but them new ones every year? Mine still fit into last summers clothes?

Rocknrolla21 · 28/04/2024 13:46

I’d make it clear that the children will be collected from you wearing the clothes on their back, and nothing more. And I’d start implementing the changes immediately. Child maintenance does NOT cover what the children need at his house, especially when they’re staying there regularly. They should have their own belongings at daddy’s so that they feel like they do actually belong there, not just visiting

Dareisayiseethesunshine · 28/04/2024 13:47

Stop enabling him to parent. He is an adult. A judge would expect him to provide for his own dc. And to pack for a trip....

SwingTheMonkey · 28/04/2024 13:57

Why have you let this be a thing? The maintenance only covers his portion of the cost of his children when they aren’t in his care. There’s no way I’d be providing clothes and toothbrushes when he has his contact and absolutely no way in hell would I be packing their holiday clothes! He’s avoiding parenting his own children.

Make changes now. He cannot be allowed to have zero responsibility for his children beyond bunging their mother a few quid every week.

Bournetilly · 28/04/2024 14:00

Stop providing things for his house, tell him you will no longer be doing this and stop immediately. You really shouldn’t have to provide a toothbrush and toothpaste when they go to his house. He can afford a holiday so he can afford to buy them essentials.

Rainbowshit · 28/04/2024 14:00

Eh no. Don't be buying them clothes. It should be his responsibility.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 28/04/2024 14:01

My thoughts are that you should pack what they need and if they need anything extra bought, he should buy it.

WRT to him returning them with dirty washing, that's not on so I'd insist he kept clothes at his house and not pack any at all for contact.

crumblingschools · 28/04/2024 14:02

I assume if OP didn’t buy stuff the ex would just keep everything at his

TwattyMcFuckFace · 28/04/2024 14:07

crumblingschools · 28/04/2024 14:02

I assume if OP didn’t buy stuff the ex would just keep everything at his

The kids should have a wardrobe at his.

The OP doesn't need to be washing and packing clothes for contact and then washing them again when they return.

Stop sending them with clothes OP.

Original poster
Noed · 28/04/2024 14:11

It's always been this way, I provide everything they may need. Medicines, suncream etc and I have spoken to him about it in the past but he just says that that's what maintenance is for.

They will need new summer clothes as they have grown out of a lot of them, I do have clothes but not enough to cater for a 7 day holiday.

I've always struggled with anxiety and hate confrontation so I've always just done things to avoid it at all costs but the constant packing and washing is getting too much.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlonk · 28/04/2024 14:11

I had this with my ex - he thought that paying child maintenance meant he did not have to pay for anything related to DD.
Many times I have had to explain that he needs to feed and clothe her while she is in his care. It’s only taken 3 years for him to understand.
Sigh.

Floofydawg · 28/04/2024 14:14

Sorry OP but you need to stand up to this absolute knob of a man or it won't get any better.

Rocknrolla21 · 28/04/2024 14:14

crumblingschools · 28/04/2024 14:02

I assume if OP didn’t buy stuff the ex would just keep everything at his

How could he keep anything at his if he’s not given it to begin with? He can collect the children with just the clothes they’re wearing. He’s not going to keep the clothes and send them back naked, is he? Assuming he’s not one of those REALLY grotty dads who would be happy for his children to dirty and smelly for a ten day holiday, then he’s going to have to put his hand in his pocket

olympicsrock · 28/04/2024 14:16

No - you don’t send the children with clothes to go to his house. They travel in your clothes, wear his clothes at his house ( which get washed by him) and return to your house in your clothes.

He need to buy whatever they need to spend time there.
BUT surely they need some clothes for the uk summer ?

exomoon · 28/04/2024 14:19

Noed · 28/04/2024 14:11

It's always been this way, I provide everything they may need. Medicines, suncream etc and I have spoken to him about it in the past but he just says that that's what maintenance is for.

They will need new summer clothes as they have grown out of a lot of them, I do have clothes but not enough to cater for a 7 day holiday.

I've always struggled with anxiety and hate confrontation so I've always just done things to avoid it at all costs but the constant packing and washing is getting too much.

You need to just stop it all. This holiday is a good reason to tell he needs to take responsibility for his own contact days.

Does he pay maintenance via CMS or directly? How much does he pay?

Anameisaname · 28/04/2024 14:19

Personally OP if he expects this but doesn't ask you and if you struggle to push back... say nothing. Literally don't ask about the holiday and don't say anything and above all DO NOT PACK!
Just don't do it and if he confronts you then just say you assumed as it was his holiday he'd sort it.
Unless he's going to outer Mongolia he can buy clothes wherever he's going so it may be inconvenient but it won't be a problem

Brainded · 28/04/2024 14:21

I would come to a compromise etc
I would say “hey dh, great that they are going on holiday. They are so excited. I have x y and z for them. I’ll wash them and put them aside closer to the time. Maybe just get a few more of x and, swim shorts, sun cream etc etc and you’re set! Thanks

WonderfulUsername · 28/04/2024 14:25

I know he pays maintenance and the kids will need clothes for the Summer anyway, but he should still contribute towards anything you wouldn't normally be buying.

snakewillow · 28/04/2024 14:52

Absolutely not unreasonable! He will be getting a reduction in maintenance based on the overnights he has them. This is to provide everything they need on his time.

However, if you just didn't send anything what would he do? Would he ultimately get the message and sort it out or would the DC end up suffering? My ex didn't and my DC would end up with one poorly fitting outfit to wear all weekend and he never bought toothbrushes. Unfortunately you can't force people to be decent parents and sometimes, as unfair as it is, you have to carry on making up for their poor parenting even when you have divorced them.

The DC will see them for what they are when they are older. My DC's opinion of their dad really couldn't get any lower now.

Kittenkitty · 28/04/2024 15:08

He sounds awful. I’d tell him what they have ie swimwear, 2 pairs of shorts, 3 t shirts, no sandals etc and then tell him if he needs more than that he needs to sort it. He doesn’t get to dictate what you spend maintenance on.

However although you shouldn’t have to I would send toothpaste, toothbrush, suncream and sun hat on holiday. Because if he doesn’t buy those it’s not fair on the kids and could make them ill.
It won’t hurt them to be stuck in the same tshirt for a few days and might embarrass him into buying something for them.

PicaK · 28/04/2024 15:24

Maintenance is paid for when they are with you. He meets the costs the other times. Unless he's paying for 7 nights a week every week of the year.
But. He won't do it will he?
You don't have to buy a whole special wardrobe - they'll need summer clothes anyway. Just pack what you have.
And buy the suncream.
It's not fair I know.