Taken for granted

[Conkermum]

Hello, I’m currently sitting in my car having a cry after another weekend of chores, lifts and arguments with teenage offspring.
Both DH and I work full time, we have 4 children. So far this weekend I have done football and rugby runs, tidied, hoovered and dusted the house, cleaned the kitchen, done the meal planning, food shopping and then put it all away, made the dinner, washed a weeks clothes for 6 humans and then ironed them. I am tired and thought I would ask for some help with the remaining chores…
Over a cup of tea I mentioned to DH that the bathroom still needs doing, before I could finish my sentence he said- “well I’m not doing them, I have work to do, I’ll do them in the week”. Funnily enough he said that last weekend too and I ended up cleaning them at 9pm on Tuesday evening because I couldn’t stand the mess.
I then asked one of my sons to put away his ironing and bring down any dirty washing hidden in his room. I was met with attitude, slamming doors and under breath swearing.
I am so fed up of being taken for granted and used for lifts. I know that’s standard behaviour for teenagers, but DH’s attitude stinks too.
How can I make my point? Any advice welcome.

Stop doing things for them and just look after yourself for a few days. I feel like that sometimes too, I sympathise.

I'd just say to the kids "next weekend you'll have to get yourselves to and from your activities or just not go to them/convince your dad to take you. I'm fed up with all you lot taking the piss constantly. I don't care how inconvenient it is for you to get there and back, I'm not doing it. Sort yourselves out".

Ugh. I hear you.

Two things I'd do in this situation (my boys are a bit younger but I remember my mum staging similar interventions!):

1. call a family meeting over dinner one evening this week. Explain this cannot continue. They all live in the house and everyone must pull their weight. They are NOT helping you, they are doing their bit. Together create a rota of chores. Make sure they know you will not be reminding them, they are all old enough to chip in.
2. if the above is not kept to, stop doing things that make their lives easier. No laundry. No food cooked. No football boots cleaned. No taking to friends' houses etc.

I'd hope that calm, purposeful action would do a lot more than getting angry.

Personally your DH's attitude would give me the ick. You might want to mention that his lack of willingness to behave like an adult in his home makes your vagina dry up

Let them sort their washing, ironing and dinner out. Meantime go for a nice walk and find somewhere for coffee and a cake 🍰 Get a rota drawn up and don't budge.

I wouldnt waste my precious weekends doing all this, why not have a rethink of what this is all done. Your expectations seems different to your DHs, and that's ok. Everyone needs to chip in and help midweek so this doesn't become a boring weekend job!

Stop doing it you deserve so much better

What was your husband doing while you were giving lifts and doing housework?

I think the answer depends a little on the kids ages but I’d essentially make a list of what has to be done and split out the chores to everyone.

For starters, no way would I be ironing anyone else’s clothes! who irons these days?

I would show them all once how to do laundry and then leave them to it and only do my own going forward. Maybe set a rota up so everyone has a certain day to use the machine.

next you set a rota for who cooks (and they have to clean the kitchen as part of that). With 6 people in the house you should only need to cook twice a week tops. Maybe 3 if you are helping the youngest. They can tell you what they plan to cook that week and you buy the food for it.

things like running the vacuum round in the week I would set a rota between the kids and if it’s not done the punishment is you don’t take them to hobbies in week or at weekends because instead you are having to do their chores.

with the bathrooms I’d agree to clean one and your dh can clean the other. If one gets disgusting you use the other till he sorts it.

Well your DH needs to up his game or pay for a cleaner. Your kids can also up their game or they make their own way to their games. You need to lay the law down or they won’t stop taking advantage. They live in the house too and fairies don’t clean it. Getting a cleaner was the best thing I’ve done

From now on all ‘favours’ will be based on a reciprocal basis:

If DC wants a lift to rugby, they must have first ‘earnt’ that favour by: cleaning the bathroom/ bringing you a cup of tea/ loading the dishwasher etc.

Let them know well in advance so there can be no claims that they haven’t got time and it’s not fair.

If they are clever they will bank multiple ‘favours’ before they are needed. E.g. child who has already banked 4 favours will have dinner cooked and an ironed shirt.

Firstly you and your DH are teaching really bad relationship dynamics to the kids with you doing everything.

Secondly I would be losing my shit with your DH, he sounds like an entitled twat.

Lastly get yourself a cleaner and give chores to the kids, withdraw any allowances or pocket money unless they comply.

Just stop!

Stop cooking. Stop food shopping. Stop cleaning. Stop the laundry and ironing.

Go out when you know that one of them needs taking to something.

Just do stuff for yourself.

My DH was like this but I told him that if he wanted waiting on hand and foot he could move back in with his parents and if he wanted to stay he could do his share. He was furious that I said he treated me like his mother!!

Things have improved massively!

They'll only stop taking you for granted when you stop doing stuff.

I even stopped cooking. I bought tomato soup and salad and that's what they could have if they were hungry.

I dont think you are being U for wanting help, but you are being a bit U for trying to specify the exact moment it is done, which might not be convieniant or appropriate.

I agree, this needs a rota, and a time limit. Eg, John cleans the upstairs bathroom once a week between Monday and Friday, and once at the weekend Jane picks up everything off the floor and hoovers twice a week, everybody chooses a day when they are responsible for the cooking the evening meal, including washing up and clearing away after etc