To end my relationship with my best friend

[stucky]

I met my best friend when her and her children were living in a refugee. We are both survivors of DV and bonded over a shared dark sense of humour and trauma.

Over the years we have admittedly drifted. I call her regularly to check in with her, helped her revise for her exams when she was training to be a PT (at the gym on my road). Untill recently i was popping into the gym to see her, attending her pop up classes to show support and just being as supportive as possible. We are both single parents piecing our lives back together so I understand the struggle and have always tried to be there for her.

i met her in feb for a coffee and catch up which felt very one sided, we didnt talk about my degree, kids, partner etc. Just her role as a qualified PT, difficulties at the gym and desire to travel.

When texting earlier this month i told her I had some big news. She didnt acknowledge it and has not picked up any of my calls recently but sends me messages saying she loves me and is thinking of me.

i feel like she doesn’t know me at all. I had a triggering experience on placement that has lesd to PTSD and am now having trauma therapy. i just feel I need reciprical relationships, or at least for there to be congruence between what people say/do.

Yesterday I messaged her and wished her well. Said i would always love her and cheer her on from the sidelines and then blocked her number. i know this contradicts what I want and seems hypocritcial. I do want only good things for her and her children whom i deeply love. i am really saddened by her distancing and am repeatedly hurt by her behaviour and need to protect myself. She regularly, forgets our plans/double books herself and cancels. Am i being unreasonable?

I mean you’ve already done it. It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually given her any chance to change but I guess you have to prioritise your energies and mental health at the moment.

I find blocking numbers like this a bit passive aggressive,a bit goading, stirring the pot. It is difficult I know, but Alway better for everyone, particularly you to just gently, quietly distance yourself. No statement needed. You have to protect yourself and I sense you have struggled with rejection and people treating you poorly clearly from the DV experience. Just pull away gently and quietly and maybe seek out relationships and comfort elsewhere.
It's really disappointing when relationships feel so one sided.

Yesterday I messaged her and wished her well. Said i would always love her and cheer her on from the sidelines and then blocked her number. i know this contradicts what I want and seems hypocritcial. I do want only good things for her and her children whom i deeply love. i am really saddened by her distancing and am repeatedly hurt by her behaviour and need to protect myself. She regularly, forgets our plans/double books herself and cancels. Am i being unreasonable?

I don't think you're wrong to have ended a friendship that is no longer working for you. Although as the PP stated, you've removed any opportunity for her to rectify behaviour she may not even be aware of. The repeated forgetting and cancellation of plans would really pee me off too, btw.

I do wonder why though you bothered to send her a text message saying you will always love her and cheer her on from then the sidelines ... and then blocked her. That doesn't exactly scream good will towards her How are you going to cheer her on from the sidelines if you've blocked her and are presumably going to ghost her?

I should have stated above, we have talked about these issues before. She just says it isn’t intentionally done to hurt me, she’s flakey with everyone but loves me.

I ended a friendship via email. Sent her good wishes but spelled out why I could not be in her company anymore.
Yanbu to have done what's best for you op.

You've blocked someone flakey to look after your own mental health. That's fine.

I think you could have sent a text explaining how you feel and why, and given her chance to reply before blocking, but I understand why you did it that way.

I think not giving her a chance to reply would leave me wondering if things would have changed once I'd made things clear, as much as she'll be wondering where it all came from if you didn't explain before you dropped her. She may have been completely unaware of how she was making you feel. To just block someone that you claim to really love is a bit odd.

I don’t think you’re BU to decide to move on if the friendship isn’t working but I think sending a message and then blocking is quite aggressive. You’re trying too control the narrative and insist she sees everything on your terms which I think is a bit off.

Its one thing to cut ties with someone but insisting on having last word and not giving her any right to reply comes across as pretty self important and controlling. Either you want to repair the relationship (which involves some give and take) or you don’t. You can’t have it both ways.

Yes. I think you've done the right thing.

Friendships evolve – sometimes they are closer, sometimes they drift, but if there's genuine affection and respect there, you ride out the lean times. Blocking someone you consider a best friend because they're not 'performing' as a friend is really harsh. However, it sounds like she's always going to disappoint you so yes, you're better off ending it. I had it done to me, by someone I was so close to I was their bridesmaid. I was dealing with my partner having a serious illness and couldn't be there for her, so she cut me off. She did try to come crawling back a few years later but I ignored her, so if you do change your mind and have regrets, be prepared that it may well be too late.

Friendships come and go, nothing wrong with putting yourself first

I should have stated above, we have talked about these issues before. She just says it isn’t intentionally done to hurt me, she’s flakey with everyone but loves me.

I think that makes what you've done understandable. Talking about it gets you nowhere and she can't say she doesn't know why you've done it. Being flakey with everyone isn't a loveable quirk as she seems to think, it's bloody annoying. It's another example of her self centredness - see also only wanting to talk about herself, not interested in what you've got going on.

Sometimes friendships you had during certain times in your life are perhaps not always friendships you want to keep.
Maybe you remind her too much of the past that she's trying to move on from. The time she met you and the stuff you will have overcome together could be memories to her.

Friendship is a two way thing