To end relationship

[CreamLampshade]

I’m 39, and currently going through ivf with a boyfriend who says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m very emotional with hormones so would appreciate some advice.

I asked my boyfriend to look up something on Google and while he was searching a search term came up ‘want to fuck other people’. I immediately pointed it out and he first denied searching for it and then said it was just a fleeting thought and he was curious what other people were saying about it. I got very upset and asked to look through his history, there was nothing that seemed very dodgy. A couple of search for actresses, one site from a month ago (I don’t really mind that).

but I just feel heartbroken. We are literally doing ivf and I now feel like he has no desire for me and just wants other women. He said he loves me and would never do anything and that it’s normal for people in monogamous relationships to think about other people sometimes. He clearly feels awful. He did admit that we have gotten into a routine of not having a lot of sex which is true. I have very little desire especially since having to try for a baby and have sex at certain times of the month. But he also seems to not want it much too -he’s always said he doesn’t have a big sex drive.

I just don’t know what to do. He’s a very loving boyfriend and I love our life together. He’s obviously distraught but I just feel quite betrayed and ugly. He says he loves me and fancies me and it was just a silly thought that meant nothing.

there’s also the fact this is the last chance I get to have a baby.

what would you do?

• Yabu - forgive him, thinking about other people is normal
• Yanbu - dump him.

Of course it's normal to find other people attractive. We are allowed to have our own thoughts. Googling something doesn't automatically mean you are going to go and do it...god my Google history is full of absolutely random shite.

I, personally, wouldn't be putting this much effort into having a baby with someone who says he wants to be with you but hasn't actually made a commitment to that by marrying you. What's the plan for when the baby is born? Who's financing maternity leave? Etc etc etc.

Thank you. Neither of us are that keen on marriage. We do have a plan for when the baby is born. He’s actually happy to take on the lions share of care when needed as he earns less than me. But also I have a good maternity package etc.

Tbh I think you have deeper issues than what he has been googling. I’m curious that you refer to him as “a boyfriend” and not “my partner”. IVF is gruelling even when you are in a committed relationship - been there done that. Do you really love him or is he just your last chance to have a baby with a willing co parent?

He’s definitely my partner, and I love him. We’ve been together for five years and if this ivf round doesn’t work (we’re only having one) I’m still looking forward to a future with him. He’s not just a baby making machine!

I Google famous men to look at their pictures, doesn’t mean anything.
unless there’s something else youre worried about, I’d let it go.

If he was on dating sites or chatting to/sexting other women then obviously that's bang out of order. But the search term sounds more like he was just exploring his feelings on it, and looking for others views. Rather than actively trying to cheat. If there is no other issues in your relationship I'd let it go to be honest.

Good to hear!

I would keep a open mind about his intentions. Keep the conversations going and asking for full transparency from him.

The thing is when we put ours or others perspective on a situation we are thinking what we would do in that situation if we were them. You might google a celebrity to see who they are having heard them mentioned by someone else. But someone else googles celebrities to masterbate over and create deep fake porn using that celebrity. Other people stalk celebrities or just admire their photos and it goes no further.

Your gut is telling you something is off. It might be that you need trust dialled up in your relationship as you feel extra vunerable right now. Or it could be your gut saying it's something more. I'd be observing his behaviours closely.

Him not wanting sex as much have you had a conversation about that? Do you feel you're getting the truth from him? How do these conversations go is he willing to open up and talk hear your feelings and understand them. Or does he turn it around on you get defensive shut down the conversation?

Do both your ideas of monogamy match? Maybe have a conversation about this together to define what behaviors are outside your idea of monogamy.

Regularly searching celebrities to lust over would be outside my personal monogamy views. As is pornography.