To discipline my friends children

[PlumGoose]

Looking for some input from mums. I have one friend in particular who lives quite far away. A few times a year they come and stay and I find myself telling her kids off for want of a better phrase. I find them really badly behaved and most of the time she doesn’t say anything to them. We don’t have kids for what it’s worth so that’s why I’m looking for a balanced view. I do expect kids to act like kids but I was also brought up to respect our house and furniture. Some examples:

• we have a glass table and one child will regularly bash the plate or fork on the table, it gets annoying firstly but also scratches my table
• they regularly jump on the furniture, swing on chairs, slam doors, especially if we are chatting I guess for attention but mum ignores them until they fall off or trap a finger = crying and screaming
• One child (3) will regularly chase my dog and put toys in her face or run up from behind and scare her and I’ve asked him repeatedly in what I think is an age appropriate way not to do this as she is a baby and it will frighten her but he laughs and does it again
• Throws toys across the room, eg chipped my wall throwing a fire engine and again I say please don’t throw your toys you will break them but he doesn’t stop

staying with my friend isn’t an ideal option as their house is too small to host us and I don’t want to stop inviting them but also wish they had some more boundaries with their kids so I could enjoy it too. When they leave we have a trail of destruction to clean up and fix.

I would stop inviting them and tell them why.

I wouldn't have them in my house if they can't behave, but I'm another without children so possibly not the perspective you're looking for.

Could you visit her instead and stay in a B&B/hotel nearby if her house is too small?

If she doesn't mind you telling them off then carry on! She might be burned out from parenting and just checked out but understands their behaviour is wrong and is happy for you to tell them off. If they're taking a deliberately permissive parenting approach then they'd be annoyed at you telling off and you would have a bigger problem then.

Sounds like her kids are very young - at that age if they are ignored they WILL do this kind of thing. Yes she ought to intervene but that will only work for 5 minutes and then they’ll do something else problematic. It’s just the way this age is.

Ideally you need to all get out of the house twice a day and go to a playground or similar. Also your friend needs to be watching her children more closely whether out or at home - so she won’t get to have long chats with you until they are in bed for the night.

Hi op, totally get you but I don't think it's ever a good idea to tell someone's else's kid off. If they are in danger or doing something very wrong of course you step but if it's general mis behaving I find a technique of distraction or going over to give some kind of responsibility to them instead like say to the worst behaved you're in charge can you make sure all the kids play nicely , and report to me if anyone misbehaves. Just being kinder when trying to get them to see reason. When we had play dates and all the kids mishaved I would usually tell mine off first and that also use to calm it down. But really it shouldn't be down to you . Why don't you say to the child who does the worst bashing of plates, you're I charge or making sure all the plates dont get hit. Ask the child to keep you updated.

YANBU to discipline them although you shouldn’t have to.

I would stop inviting them.

YANBU.
Stop inviting them. Cut ties with the friend.
She's clearly dragging up monsters.

Of course you need to tell them not to do these things in your home.

How does your friend respond when you speak to them?
Does she reiterate what you have said to them?

Many people who have children have child proofed their house.

They've got rid of ornaments, don't have expensive furniture or white carpets and don't have things like glass tables that might break.

Very young children do not have respect for other people's furniture or houses. It varies amoung parents how much they instill this in their children, so some parents will teach their kids to not mess with other people's stuff and others won't

It is bloody hard work to teach smallish children to stop playing with things that look like toys (ornaments) and to not climb on/explore furniture.

It doesn't sound like your house and her kids are a good mix. I'd suggest meeting up somewhere else where the kids can be kept occupied.

Telling other people's kids off is generally a high risk strategy. You can do it - and people do - but it runs the risk of parental upset abd anger.

So you’re expected to host this friend and put up with her kids destroying your home or “parent” them as she CBA.
Stop inviting her. She’s being totally unreasonable.

Bit of both here - I’d tell my friends’ children to stop doing something, or what the “house rules” are (I’d do this with my kid’s friends if they’re here on a play date) but I wouldn’t “discipline them” in the sense of punish or impose a consequence. Unless they were really wild in which case I’d send them home!

Yup.

My ds has assorted friends who fall into two clear categories, the well behaved and polite, and the destructive little sods.

It becomes very obvious very soon which group each child falls into. The decent ones get invited back, the others we meet out, at sports venues or coffee shops..

It's really unfair on your dog to keep having these people to stay when the kids are tormenting her.

Fuck that. They wouldn't be anywhere near my house or my dog after the first time.
You shouldn't have to tell them off. Their actual parent should be parenting them. Bet she'd quickly blame you if the kid got hurt by broken glass or a dog bite.
It isn't your problem if she's worn out by parenting. Tough shit. Her kids, she deals with them.
For your own sake, and your poor dogs, don't invite this family around again.

Mum here, my son does everything you described, but in my house and no matter how much I tell him off he repeats the same the next day (autistic child). However when his around other people's house there is usually other children there so they set a good example and he copies them. It's difficult when there isn't any other children around or the other children are doing the same, kids copy other kids behavior sometimes. It's not fair on you, however you did state you don't want her to stop coming to your house.Being a parent is difficult a lot of people think it's to do with our parenting which isn't always the case, mum probably needs help, although I know it's not your responsibility.

My SiLs kids were like this. Aged about 2 and 4 they would come round to my house like a pair of whirling dervishes - bashing my piano keys, running around scaring the cat, jumping up and down on the furniture etc etc. I was waiting for their mother to discipline them as they were her kids.

When I mentioned it to MiL she said that it was up to me to discipline them because it was my house and they were guests.

Tell them off. I would if they were damaging my things. For obviously bad behaviour that I needs correcting -to avoid dog getting stressed especially. I had a friend who was so house proud that my kids hated going so I visited without them and then not at all as they were so scared of dropping things or spilling that they were nervous and spilled more (toddler age) but had they been throwing things they would have been told off

Thanks all that’s made me feel a bit better that it’s not just me expecting too much. I don’t think my friend mines me saying anything she certainly has never seemed surprised or annoyed, but equally doesn’t really discipline or say anything in support either. Will have a think for next time how it could work better!

staying with my friend isn’t an ideal option as their house is too small to host us

Can’t you sleep on the sofa/airbed in the lounge or in a Travelodge?

I would rather sleep in my car than have my
dog and house treated like that.

Your house, your rules. Hopefully she'll be so embarrassed, she'll step up.

Your 'friend' is an arsehole for letting her kids damage your home and doing nothing to stop them.

"child proofed their house." What rubbish.
I have lots of ornaments, delicate things around the house. But I brought my children up to play nicely, respect their home and the things in it. Even when they were very little they knew not to touch things that weren't theirs, not to draw on walls or smash things etc.

I have friends with kids like this although all a bit older now. My house, my rules. Her kids don't particularly like me as they know me as the strict woman who won't let them run riot. But I don't really care. We don't offer to host that much either these days as even with me keeping an eye on them, something always gets trashed or broken. I have kids too I should add of a similar age.