DH talks endlessly

[SoOriginal]

I’ve been with my DH for 11 years now, we have 1 DD 2YO.

everything is good generally but we’re having an almost daily argument about his need to talk endlessly and obsessively about 1 problem or another - tends to be different everyday but usual topics are work and family! I’ve heard the same problems recycled weekly/monthly for years and hearing him talk so negatively everyday is slowly eroded all joy from my life. I’ve suggested therapy for him and he refuses!

His mum does the same, and he gets off the phone from her and then MOANS TO ME about the fact all she did was moan on the call and he couldn’t get a word in!

I offer advice, I make suggestions, I listen. But there comes a time where I have to tell him to stop. I ask nicely and he’ll carry on, I’ll ask again for a change of topic, he’ll carry on. Example of todays argument followed a conversation about him catastrophising over a work issue that we picked over for about an hour the day before.

Me: ‘ok honey, I’m just having a coffee, it’s still early, can we discuss this later please’?

him: (completely ignoring me) “I don’t think they could have a problem with it, maybe if I do xxx, then xxx”

me : “please stop, I really can’t pick over this again right now”

him: (completely ignoring me) “what is do xxx, then …”

me: (raising my voice) “please Jesus, can you stop now, I don’t want to hear it”!

him: “urgh, your so rude”!

Me “no, you’re rude. Your needs to talk endlessly about your problems do not trump my right to quiet enjoyment of my life every now and then”!

Him - walks off sulking

I know I shouldn’t raise my voice but seriously! His endless negative talking about his problems is driving me away and will eventually cause me a breakdown if it doesn’t stop! I could cry.

Am I rude?

No you’re not rude, but I would be telling him to shut the fuck up after 5 minutes at most.
He’s an awful joy sponge.

No you’re not rude. Have you had any more luck trying to have a conversation about it when he’s not actually doing it? Sounds insufferable. He is ruminating and obsessing and it can be quite difficult to stop doing that but I guess that’s the key. Personally I’d be looking for ways to support someone who’s doing that in hopes of making it stop sooner, like I know just labelling those behaviours can be helpful, or using distraction. You could view it as a mental health problem, but no, you’re not rude and it’s his issue to deal with, your brain space doesn’t belong to him to fill up as he wishes

"you're a moan, just like your mother, now please just shut up."

You're not rude, you've been far too patient for too long.

Thank you! Yes I do think it’s a mental health problem, he so kind and non confrontational, I think he uses our relationship as his ‘safe space’. I’ve tried to give him some headspace, but the more I give the more he needs.

Hes such a wonderful Dad and DH in every way except this. I’d really like to work through it. I do think he needs therapy.

YANBU.

If he is lovely in every other way, I’d try to get him to get therapy. If you’re starting to get nothing from being with him, I’d consider splitting.

Tape him.
Wear earplugs after a fair moan time.
Help him write lists instead of speaking aloud sometimes.
Yes, professional help is reasonable to consider.

I think we are married to the same bloke… except mine is 60 and we have no kids.
We have been together 22 years and I love him dearly but it drives me nuts!
I have suggested therapy, seeking help for his anxiety..He doesn’t do a thing.
it has affected our relationship because I tend to switch off well saying umm, ahh and nodding (in am very good at this because I do it all day at work!)
Despite being a HCP and dealing with this he takes absolutely no notice.
My advice is they don’t change unless they want to!

My dad was the same with my mum throughout his entire working career. Looking back, he was at his worst when his mental health was poor.

In the end, mum just stopped listening.

In later life, once retired, Dad would sometimes complain that she never chatted with him about anything, but to be fair to her, she'd spent 30 YEARS listening to him bitch and monologue about HIS woes.

Just discovered this thread, and DH does the same. Except he gets cross when I say let’s stop. It does suck the joy when everything is a moan.

You would tell the person you married to shut the fuck up after 5 minutes. Nice.

Omg, I would. Because it’s not just 5 minutes, it’s 5 minutes when you take them coffee, 5 minutes while you sit next to them, m5 minutes while they get dressed, 5 minutes while you get dressed..etc etc etc.

ExH does this. It’s draining and unbearable.
Can’t even buy a can of baked beans without a whinge about what brand, how many, what if we have too many, what if we don’t have enough.

It contributed to our marriage ending. 20 years was long enough.

My advice is to try to discuss it with him and explain exactly how you feel.

He needs some boundaries and set times as to when he can moan and when he can’t I think.

They have a daughter.