Friendships that feel like hard work...

[Windsofchange99]

Over the past year or two a couple of friendships feel like hard work, as in it's always me being the one to message/check in/suggest a coffee etc. They're not my closest of friends, but one I went to school with and the other we were close in our 20s (now 40s) I'm not pressuring or constant - just every 4/5 months I'll check in or suggest a brew- but feels like it's always me asking about their life and how they are.

I messaged one this eve asking how she was doing and how things are with her business now (as it was struggling) she replied
"hey, I'm out having cocktails" 🍹
This is at a bar 10 mins from me. Which is no issue - but she's never asked me to meet up for drinks 🤷‍♀️

Do you just let these friendships drift? Seems sad, as I think it's nice to keep in touch via the odd text etc or meet for a coffee and catchup once every few months, but neither make much effort.

With one of the friends we've got into a cycle of buying Birthday gifts for each other, so she will randomly pop in on my Birthday each year with a token gift - but it all just seems pointless if there's no actual 'friendship' in between imo.

Do you just leave things and let old friendships drift? Anyone else relate? It makes me feel a bit worthless Tbh.

I think if you feel the effort isn’t worth the reward, then stop.
Some people wouldn’t be happy with this annd others would be pleased to still maintain the contact.

ultimately, only you can decide if you emotionally get out more, or equal to, what you put in.

I don’t know really…/I wouldn’t burn bridges but you can let it drift a bit if you want.

I also can find this a hard call to make.
I think for me I try to distinguish between whether it’s just a time in their life when we need to dial the pace right back or whether they are just moving on and I have become more of a filler.
i personally wouldn’t stress about being the one initiating as sometimes that just means your pace is faster than theirs….
Are they local or long distance?
At this time in my life I only see folks from outside my local area about 1 to at the max 2 times a year which probably sounds mad but to me these are long term friends that we are still enjoying on a slower basis and I don’t have the capacity or resources for more than that.
I’ve got one friend I see about once every 1-2 years who lives about 3 hours a way and it somehow feels good to both of us and is still very cherished.
i think I’d try to hold friendships quite loosely in the circumstances you describe and keep an open mind.
if they are local though (and actually you’ve described a local bar) that would feel a bit different I guess! I might prepare myself for the fact our lives have diverged a bit and hold the friendship lightly for now and build others too? I feel like some friendships go through phases and others do just ebb out.
i see what you mean re present - I couldn’t be bothered with that!

it depends how desperate you are for their friendship, I wouldn't bother with fickle friends like this

I honestly wouldn’t consider a text every four or five months anything like ‘hard work’, but if you feel the effort isn’t commensurate with the pleasure you get from the friendship, then just stop texting?

#@Windsofchange99

They sound like flakey fickle friends sometimes you can also just outgrow certain friendships over certain time,

Don't feel cause of time scale you have known them give you a misplaced loyalty to so called friendships of flaky fickle nature which in reality are just nothing more than actiquances,

You need to act accordingly to the way the dynamics of the way they treat you,

Why invest 🤔 any more of ⁰your time and energy in these type of friendships then?

When it be more worth while and make sense to invest emotionally and energy in creating a new friendships circle instead,

to replace these dead weight kind of friendships,
which are going know where fast...

Get out and explore be curious open minded trying out new hobbies and interests , visting new art exhibitions and places to see like festivals ect

You will soon start making new friendships before you know it..

I would just ignore the asinine cocktail emoji text and leave the ball in her court.

But yes, as a general principle, if they don’t suggest meeting up then you should stop as well.

This year I have stopped chasing friends got no time or energy. Was a bit sad at the start now not bothered got my family and work. Got plenty of mums from various clubs that I chat to so not like I don't talk to people. Just got too tiresome when it felt like I was the one always organising catch ups. Couple have been in touch told them you pick a date and what to do still waiting 😂

I have a friend like you who contact me and I do not have the guts to break off with her, so go along it, meet up and feel utterly drained after each meeting, listening to her moaning about work, husband, money and how one or other friend is ignoring her. It’s harsh but you may be a friend they do not want anymore, so let it go.

Checking in with someone every 4-5 months is not a friendship in my opinion. Better let this go and move on. Or not, either way, it’s not much of an effort on both sides anyway.

People grow apart and if they aren’t making an effort, you need to stop as well as they’re clearly not interested
!

I'm pretty laid back and personally I don't mind maintaining these sorts of friendships as lives change over the years and sometimes you can drift back together if your circumstances become more compatible in future. It's hard to make new friends from scratch so I like to keep the door open. But it's entirely a personal thing.

Just as a counterpoint - I think I am often this friend. I’m at a very busy point in my life where I feel I am being pulled in many different directions. I have many friends I may only see a few times a year and I’m rubbish with texting. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them and I love it when we do see each other.

I don't bother with so called friendships where I'm the one making the effort

If you feel they don't make an effort then leave it. See if they text you. if you don't leave it.

sometimes people rely on others to make the effort if they always have. I feel like I used to be the person who'd make the effort to keep the friendships going. I thought of myself as the organised one. Now I only put in the time where the other person is doing the same.

Recently I moved cities.
Some people really kept in touch, and some didn't.
I wouldn't think contacting someone every four or five months is a friendship.
Look for those who contact you at least monthly.

Oh. I was going to come on say I feel the same.

But I hadn’t even considered that I might be the friend that they all just don’t want to bother with, hence only me initiating meet ups!!

What a lightbulb moment!!

Oh god, how can I be that stupid.

Definitely see this now.

Oh gosh. I think if that’s the case, I’m about to never see an awful lot of people again.

I feel such a dick for not picking this up aaaages ago.
They must dread and roll their eyes when I message.

Don't jump to a whole narrative that might not be true, @Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon! What is your situation with these friendships?

In answer to your question, yes I let friendships like this drift. I'm in my 60s and have a handful of good friends I've known for 30+ years, but there have been many 'friends' who came into my life for a reason or a season (as the saying goes). No bad feelings and lots of fond memories but if circumstances change and the effort stops and it all becomes one sided I gently drop the rope and they become somebody I used to know.

My husband is the opposite. He clings onto friendships from childhood when it's obvious there's no effort from the other side. When I ask him why he bothers he always says "well, I've known them a long time" as if that means anything really. He was excited that a band was playing in our city that they're all fans of, so suggested they go together. They awkwardly had to tell him they all already had tickets (seated together). Honestly I could have cried for him. Yet still he plods on, refers to them as "my mates". I do wonder if he stopped contacting them, would they bother? Somehow I doubt it.

I don't mind being the one to suggest meeting up, as long as they are keen when I do. Some people just aren't great at stirring themselves to arrange stuff - she probably didn't initiate the cocktails either, just said "Yes, sounds great" when someone else suggested it.

If I was doing all the contacting and they weren't enthusiastic about getting together, I would let the friendship drop though.

With most of my friends we only have contact every few months, which is fine with me. What they are though is reciprocal - it is never just me initiating contact.

I've let a couple of friendships go where it became only me doing the contacting - I thought I'd stop, and see if they ever got in touch. They didn't, which was clear enough to me that there wasn't enough of a friendship to continue with. I don't think they disliked me, the friendships had just run their course.

They don’t seem like good friends to me but everyone has their own level of what they accept in a friendship. I have two old friends- one from early childhood who struggles a lot with mental health but when we talk - maybe once a year coz she doesn’t live in the UK - it’s back to how it was. I know if I was struggling she would be a great support - and has been in the past.
The other one lives a few miles away but is terrible at keeping in touch by my standards of a close friend and I often initiate contact, but again when we meet it’s great (maybe see each other 3 x a year) I see my two other closest friends much more regularly or at least we WhatsApp.

Oh that's awful, @LarkRiseSummer. Does he do the kind of activities/hobbies that lead to new friends and acquaintances?

Friendships change over time. When you find you are the only one maintaining a friendship it probably is time to let it go. Maybe they rely on you to keep it going and will miss you if you don’t. Although, if you’re only in contact a few times a year probably not. I don’t mean that unkindly but given how little contact you have, why do you care so much? You shouldn’t allow this to make you feel worthless, it’s just people moving in different directions in their lives. That is no reflection on you.

I’m wondering if you have few friends. I think if you could broaden your circle you’d be less affected by these two old friends. Hearing from them or not won’t feel as important. Well I hope so.

I don't know... Making a pointed effort to cut them off/burn bridges seems a bit strong... But letting it naturally fade is no bad thing, and sometimes the other person surprises you in a good way.