To be a bit jealous in this situation ?

[floralfrog]

I'm currently pregnant with my first child. It was unplanned and my ex is totally uninvolved so I'm going to be a quite young single parent.
That being said, I feel that I'm in as good a place as anyone can be to become a single parent - I have my own home and car, savings, a great support network and a well paying, very flexible job. I'm really excited to be a parent and I'm just generally feeling very positive about my future.

One of my colleagues at work is also pregnant. She's about 6 weeks ahead of me but announced her pregnancy earlier on than I did so everyone has known about her pregnancy for a good while longer. She's not an 'old' parent but is a fair bit older than I am, she's married and she has been very open that she's been ttc for a while and so baby is obviously very much planned.

Since she announced her pregnancy everyone has been (rightfully ) very excited for her. She gets constant questions and compliments about her bump or how she's glowing.
On the other hand I feel like people tend to either skirt round the topic of my pregnancy or if they do bring it up their attitudes range from awkward to pitying to just downright patronising. Only maybe two colleague (including the colleague who is pregnant) have treated it like a normal, exciting thing.

I obviously know I'm not entitled for anyone to be excited about my reproductive choices and I don't expect to be fawned over but aibu to be upset over how differently we're both being treated?

Well, she’s made it clear she’s excited, this was a long-tried-for pregnancy and something she’s been trying for for years — what have you told your colleagues? Do they know, for instance, this was an accidental pregnancy with an ex who is refusing to be involved?

I wouldnt read too much into it tbh. Maybe they think you want more of a low key pregnancy and don't want to ask unsolicited questions?

They are probably trying to avoid any awkwardness. (That’s if they know it was unplanned and dad out of the picture).

It sounds like your colleagues are trying to be thoughtful and kind depending on your circumstances? You literally described yourselves as a young, single parent with a shit ex, and a married older women whose been trying to conceive and is over the fucking moon. For a different spin is it possible she’s been there longer and is closer friends with the staff than you are, so they feel like celebrating with her more?

I'd be a bit miffed as well OP. We like to think we live in a modern, freethinking world but unfortunately, being a young, unmarried mother apparently makes other people feel "awkward" when your choices have fuck all to do with them.

As a side note, enjoy the lack of banal, intrusive questions. The number of times I was asked "Was it planned?" When I was pregnant was at best annoying, at worst downright insulting.

Good luck with the pregnancy x

They do know I'm excited and that the baby is very much wanted although unplanned. They know that dad isn't involved but they also know that there aren't any particularly dramatic circumstances behind this and that I'm not upset by it.

I do think you're right @Gweither in saying that I'm reading too much into it. I don't think I'd think anything by any of it if I didn't have the comparison

We've both been here a similar amount of time and we both get along well with everyone. That being said most of our colleagues are older and married so probably do have more in common with her and feel in more familiar territory discussing her circumstances with her tbf

I understand OP but I guess the difference is the TTC element. For analogy I'd be more thrilled for a friend who got their dream job after many many rejections than the one who got theirs first go.

Well I will congratulate you op, regardless of the relationship a baby is a baby, there is no difference as you are both having a child and it is your first and hers too x

Is the other soon to be mum chatting with you about it?

Thank you!

The other mum to be has been absolutely lovely and we've both been very excited to have someone else who's expecting to chat to!

Are you outwardly excited op? Sometimes people (even unconsciously) look for cues on how to act - perhaps if they hear you telling them how excited you are etc, they’ll pick up on that themselves. (You may well be already doing that of course).

Well, I'm excited for you and was excited reading your message

You are soooooo lucky.

Congratulations op!

I can see why this bothers you. I can imagine it would feel like silent judgement on your circumstances.

I would also say it the pitying or patronising attitudes that upset me more than people just not bringing it up as much or being a bit awkward about it.

Congratulations to you! Very exciting times ahead :-)

I was in a v similar situation with my eldest. I think people generally aren't quite sure how to navigate it with the different circumstances. It's lovely that you're able to share this with your colleague though - it sounds like she's really pleased for you too. When someone has been TTC, it's (understandably) a huge thing for them and, if your colleagues are aware of this, they'll be reacting to that.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and the very best of luck - you've got this :-) x

I think it's a combination of your colleague finally getting her longed for pregnancy and you being young and successful in your career.
I don't think it's judgment in the negative sense of being a single mum or whatever.

May i ask how old you are?

They do know I'm excited and that the baby is very much wanted although unplanned. They know that dad isn't involved but they also know that there aren't any particularly dramatic circumstances behind this and that I'm not upset by it.

Yeah but they don't really know all that, they just know what you've told them and perhaps they're worried you're just putting a brave face on?

Their reactions will probably change over time once they're confident you really are ok.

Congratulations I'd hazard a guess the quiet / pitying ones are projecting their 'oh shit I'd be panicing in floralfrog's shoes as I'd struggle to cope without my husband's help' thoughts. With a hint of your other colleague having struggled to conceive for a while awkwardness. If you get along with them, it's not necessarily a judgy / critical response, but more of a 'I don't want her to struggle on and not speak up if she thinks she needs support in the future'. I would say if the opportunity comes up, to let the other expecting Mum know how you're feeling and hopefully she may subtly feed that back to your colleagues.

Well, maybe they do feel sorry for you, but so what, ultimately? I’m sure some people felt sorry for me when I was pregnant, living alone in another country to my partner, dealing with serious nausea and SPD and liv8ng in a lovely but very primitive little house with no central heating, but it didn’t bother me. I was as contented as a cow, listening to music and sitting over the fire by myself. I don’t need anyone else to approve my life decisions.

Dad's shouldn't be allowed to just opt out. How selfish.

Would they have liked it one of their parents had opted out before they were born?

I don’t think there’s anything malicious going on but can see how the situation can be tricky for all parties. It depends on how open you have been about your situation and the relationships you have with you colleagues.

there is defo some unconscious bias towards the more “traditional” pregnancy of your older colleague - married, planned conception, active husband, age etc so other colleagues may want to respect your feelings and not ask awkward questions if they assume there is drama with yours. I can imagine how hurtful it must be to see how they are treating you differently, especially with your heightened emotions but I’d say screw them. It’s your life and the people who truly matter are excited for you and to meet your future child. The rest can kick a rock with open toe shoes !

I guess it's as simple as this. The majority of people see a planned, pregnancy (especially after ttc) to a couple (preferably married) as nothing but a thing of joy and celebration.

An unplanned pregnancy to a young woman, without a partner (no matter how sorted and prepared you are - and you sound super prepared) is more often regarded with disapproval at worse and pity at best.

Whilst society in general is unrecognisable in it's attitude to deliberate single parent hood from say, 20/30 years ago,

I do not believe the public are yet in a place where they see it as a positive life choice . Just more accepting that it's not the 'unforgivable sin' of times past - instead, condemnations has been replaced by acceptance and support - but from experience still not the 'cheering from the rooftops' excitement of a longed for pregnancy, to a traditional nuclear family .

Despite there being little pockets of forward thinking feminists focus across the country, this is still a large conservative (small c ) heartland who see a planned baby bought into a 2 parent relationship as the ideal . - probably because it is. Human babies take a long time to grow, having 2 competent humans doing it IS so much easier than one.

That said , societal opinions evolve. Just look at the huge shift towards children outside or before marriage. Incredibly unusual 50 years ago. Things will probably change (although to be fair , agreeing to have kids, without marriage as caused huge harm to women so probably not a great example)

All parents are allowed to opt out.

How would you force them to opt in, other than financially?

The last thing any child needs is a parent who resents them because they've been forced to spend time with them.

I can see where they are coming from sorry i know it sounds bad but I probably wouldn't be over celebrating someone in this situation as I would think it's probably not a happy situation even if they were pretending to be happy (I have been in this situation myself) so they are probably trying to be sensitive