Upset

[olddentist1]

I found out shortly after losing my step mum that my DF is not my bio father. I don't know what to do next. Do I tell him. I have done a test since with ancestry and are awaiting results. I'm so confused

I would process first what impact telling him would have on your relationship with him he obviously didnt tell you for a reason and if hes been a good dad does it really matter if hes not your biological father hes been a dad which is much more important

Oh my! He may not know either! Is your mum around?

Oh gosh. As PBandJ says, he may not know.

I would suggest amassing as much info as you can, and talk to another family member, like an aunt or an older cousin and see if they have any memories of this being talked about previously.

I wouldn't go demanding answers from him straightaway. Come to terms with what you know first, as things said during emotional outbursts can't be easily unsaid.

💐

You need to wait. What was/is the situation with your Mum? Are there any older Aunts etc who might know the truth? There is always the possibility that he knew.

Sadly my DM passed away many years ago. I don't live in the UK do finding any information is very difficult. I have never had any reason to believe that he was not my father

I wouldn't jump in all guns! Has man has bought you up like his own? Treated you wonderfully? If yes, then I'd suggest he's a hero! Especially if he knew you wasn't his. Also, he may not be aware himself?! Tread carefully x

Do you have an inclination he might already know or not at all?
How old is he?
I myself would want to talk to him, if the results confirm what you were told (perhaps they don't, or is that not an option anymore?), he might be your last chance to get answers, right?
Finding out any truths together can't ever be a bad thing. Not saying anything and going on as if nothing happened surely will leave it's negative marks on your mh.
It's not your fault, not your secret, you have every right to ask questions, I mean my god what a rollercoaster you just got into.
Sorry for you op, I hope for a positive update on your post someday. Wishing you lots of Good luck
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If he doesn't know this could totally crush him... definitely take your time to process it before saying anything you might regret.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Is it worth doing the test again in case its a mistake?

Does it matter? I'm not sure why your SM told you.

He is your father, he has had that role for your entire life as far as you can remember. You've found out that he isn't your biological parent, but he hasn't stopped being your dad.

I don't know what route this information took to get to you, but are you certain that it's correct?

How do you know? And how do you know that he doesn’t already know? (At the risk of turning it into a friends episode!)

Until you get the DNA results you won't definitely know. Who told you? How do they know?

He may not know so tread gently. My father has a secret half sister who has recently found us and her mother only told her that her dad wasn’t her biological father when he passed away. He never knew he wasn’t her father.

Where does the OP say her SM told her?

If your dad has been a good dad to you then I don't think I would tell him. I think it would be absolutely devastating if he had no idea.

Sadly with the rise in popularity of DNA tests this situation has become quite common. False paternity is apparently quite a common thing and there is no “right” way to handle it.

I’d ask what good telling your Dad the truth this late in life ? He won’t be able to ask his late wife any questions and likely will live with some form of anger and hurt for the rest of his life. I can appreciate wanting to know who your bio father is and forming a connection with him but he is a stranger (hopefully not a close FF) and it will cause some form of family drama for all involved. I think the biggest victim in this is your dad (assuming he doesn’t know) and given his stage in life, this seems like a stab in the back. Good luck with your decision

https://www.discovermagazine.com/the-sciences/the-paternity-myth-the-rarity-of-cuckoldry

How did you find out? Does he know you have done the Ancestry test? If not, is that fair on him?

@dragonscannotswim - surely everyone has a right to know their own paternity?

OP I agree with PP that you should take your time to process the news before deciding whether to speak to your DF or not. I found out a similar bombshell about my own immediate family and after a lot of chewing over it decided it's better to let sleeping dogs lie. I speak to my DH about it whenever I need to and that's enough for me.

@muddlingthrou, yes, they do, but it sounds like this has the potential to blow her dad's life apart... so OP should think about this too.

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@imnewhere2024 thank you for the article

My father is very elderly he happily gave me a swab for the dna test. I'm not sure if he fully understands the consequences of it but he does not have any form of dementia and seemed interested in the family history

Either he already knows, but wanted to raise you as his own and maybe other reasons from your mum's side. Cultural pressure, abuse, your bio dad clearly wasn't around. Or, he doesn't know. And finding out could ruin the rest of his life.
I'd say it will raise too many questions that can't be answered. You know and love him as dad, he was and is your dad in any meaningful sense.