I feel a bitch

[Greatbritish]

My best friend is disabled. I love her dearly, and have for over 30 years. She has felt the same about me all this time. But I am getting to a point where I'm thinking about backing away.

I'm fed up with everything now being about her. She never used to be this way.

I haven't seen her for a few weeks. I've received a message today. The first message she's instigated for a few months. (I stopped sending her messages in January when I realised there had been around 2 years of me always sending the "Hi, how you doing?" check in message.)

Not even a "How are you?" to start her message off or at the end. The message is all about an aspect of her disability that I regularly support her with.

My first thought after reading the message was that I'm done. That she didn't care enough to even ask me how I am. My second thought was that I'm a bitch. I don't walk her shoes and I don't know how tough life is for her.

She'd be horrified if I talked to her about how I'm feeling. I think I'm going to though, as it's really annoying me.

Surely friendship should be two ways?

AIBU: Yes, you're a bitch
YANBU: Disability doesn't mean you can't show your friends you care.

Sounds like she is using you.

Yes, you need to talk to her. Long term health conditions can be all absorbing and can make people self focused, and if the dynamic of your friendship has always been that you look out for her, as the healthy 'strong' one, then she may not even realise she's upsetting you. Give it one chance. Tell her. Then if no change, its time to back away. You don't need to feel guilt tripped into keeping a one way friendship because the person has a disability.

She’s been your friend for a long time. Have a chat with her about this. If it goes well great, if not then fair enough back away but to do so without a discussion is shortsighted at best.

A friendship has to be a two way street or it’s not worth having. You’re not a bitch. Anyone would feel the same. You have a life too, you’re not an unpaid therapist.

Has anything changed? I had a good friend who once became quite angry and preoccupied, and that went on for about 2 years, I was at the point of backing away when she changed jobs and my old frined was back.

I mean you don't have to be her friend? Having a health condition especially as you age can be all consuming it's really up to you if you want to continue being her friend .

I agree. You need to talk honestly with her.

You haven't seen her in a few weeks but she hasn't messaged you stopped in January how did you arrange the meet up a few weeks ago ?

Friendship is a two way street, it can't just be her offloading on you without any interest in you.

I think it's reasonable to expect 'Hi, how are you?' or something like that before asking for something, especially if you haven't communicated for a while. It's just basic good manners.

You could go casual with her, just reply "that's a shame" and "hope you feel better soon" sort of messages. She will probably find someone else to confide in that way if she doesn't get much feedback.

I think shutting the friendship down without an honest conversation would be cruel and bewildering. People in these situations need to communicate more. I ended a friendship of many years about 2 years ago but I was very, very clear as to why.

Could you speak to her or respond but also include something about you and see if she responds?

If she is an old friend, then surely you can discuss this with her. Tell her that you value her friendship, but you feel hurt and like the relationship is one sided. Let her respond to that. The worst that will happen is that the friendship dies out anyway.

Some people get into a habit of relying on other people and not considering the other person as they are too wrapped up in their own lives and issues. Being disabled is no an excuse for being a shit friend.

Personally I would reduce contact and be less involved with her. But I am bad at friendships and I think you should have a chat with her. Tell her you know things are hard for her, but it's become a one way street and the friendship feels more like you work for her rather than being an old friend.

I had a friend like yous op.
I stopped messaging and calling her because i was the one doing all the messaging and calls.
When we did talk it was always about her her problems her issues and bragging.
If she needed help id be there but not for me.
I had problems or issues hers were worse and back to her.
Xmass cards & gifts birthday card & gifts never got one back but thought oh she has a lot going on.
Took me a while to see this.
Its now been over a year not heard from her since i stopped.
But i feel much better for it.
I will be getting a new number soon so no need to block lol.
I am now a non-people pleaser and it feels good.

I feel this so much op

I have a friend who always just has disasters - job hunt, relationship breakdown, mental health concerns. I stopped messaging her in 2021 and after 2 years she sent a text with nothing but a rant about yet another personal crisis. It was the day after my dad had died very unexpectedly and I told her so.... another 18months pass and absolutely no follow up text or check in to see how I was. Just recently I reached out to tell her how disappointed I was in her lack of contact or effort, her response was all about some mental health issues she's having and blaming her behaviour on a recent breakdown.

I love her, we have been friends since we were 3yrs old. But I don't think I can take much more and I feel sad that she's not once bothered to check in on me. It's so tiring being her friend

Exactly. If you "love her dearly" talk about why the friendship isn't working for you. Ghosting people is cowardly.

Depends what her disability is?

With disabilities like ADHD and Autism object permanence is poor and sadly applies to people as well.

For me, autistic, I also never understand why I would ask how someone is, because if they wanted to tell me they would. It's disingenuous to just be told "fine thank you, how are you".

I also obviously know people exist, but when they're not with me they mentally go the same place most of my socks go when I put a pair in the dryer and only one comes out. It doesn't occur to me to check in on them, not because I am rude or taking advantage of their nature but because I am deficit socially.

I am fortunate that the friends I have understand this and know that I'm grateful for their contact.

However if any of my friends felt how you do, even though I'd also be horrified I'd want to have a discussion about it, and I'd be very understanding if they said they no longer wanted to be so heavily involved in making sure we remained in contact.

Saw her today. The 30 min conversation was 95% about how much pain she's in, and around the changes in support. Not the right time for her to tell her how I'm feeling.

Just as I was about to leave she said "btw, how are you? I haven't asked".

Some people seem to think that difficult circumstances make those affected noble. Too many people conflate being ’downtrodden’ or ‘a victim’ with moral superiority.

People don’t become angels just because they’re disabled, poor, etc. Some of them are good people and others less so. It’s possible to be disabled and selfish. Bad things happen to everyone.

In my opinion your friend is using you. And she’d probably be doing it even if she wasn’t disabled.

re autism: Perhaps it’s a possibility.

I have autism and I have to actively remember to ask about other people etc. I’ve had to learn to do this because these connections are important to me and I don’t want to lose them. The fact that life is harder for some people doesn’t mean they should get a 100% free pass.

If you think your formed might have it, tell her that you feel hurt that she doesn’t ask about how you are and that you’d like to feel like she’s interested in you. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Friend not ‘former’, sorry.

I think you have your answer OP