To wonder if I’m having a slow breakdown? Is this a real thing?

[Slownreakd]

So as not to drip feed, I’m a single mum to 2 year old. Ex left me at 29 weeks pregnant, gave birth alone, had to chase him for cms, all while wondering why he had abandoned me/his baby. It was the scariest, most awful time. He didn’t see dd until she was 10 months. For the last year he has been in her life regularly, I’d say 3 weekends a month on average. He doesn’t do anything in the week, I have gone through the motions of asking and making suggestions but he says he has to work. I do too of course but have to get on with it.

Anyway, I managed ok for the first year. The second year I was back at work but obviously since dd is a toddler it has been horrendously hard. I work full time and do all nursery runs etc. I have not had a day to myself since I was pregnant and have no annual leave to use until October (need to save the 5 days left I have if dd is unwell).

I wake up most nights now unable to sleep. I have flashbacks to my ex leaving and not knowing why, still no explanation to this day. I don’t want him back but it’s obviously been awful to cope with. I have started waking up in the morning with a pounding heart that I can’t seem to calm. I am exhausted. I feel so stressed. In my worst moments I feel sick or have mild diarrhoea, then it passes. This morning I feel I could throw up any moment.

Even if I try and meet a friend while ex is with dd I feel constantly stressed, nervous etc. I just don’t know what is going on anymore. I feel like I’m going mad.

Are you having panic attacks? I only ever had them when my mum died and now I go through phases of having them at night especially when premenstrual.

you might need some anxiety management- GP? Counselling?

my heart goes out to you, it’s such a lot to carry alone. The mental burden of single parenthood is something that many people don’t see.

You have symptoms of anxiety. Have you spoken to your GP?

Hi OP I'm very sorry you are going through this. 2 Yr old are very very challenging.

I've no words of wisdom but wanted to write a message to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way and it's common for mums to be put upon when a relationship breaks down.

Are there any local support groups for single mums that you can contact?

This is anxiety. Chat to your gp, they will be able to help you get it under control. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly, and what a waste of space your ex is I'm sorry ☹️

This. Please see your GP, you can and will feel better than this. All your symptoms, including the physical ones, are how my anxiety presents.

I think people often think of mental breakdowns as something sudden, which of course they can be but more often than not they happen when somebody ignores the signs they need help with their mental health, and keep going on as business as usual. It sounds like you could be on the way there if you don't listen to the warning signs. But thankfully you are! You know something is not right, and can go and get help for your anxiety before you get to the point of total mental health crisis/breakdown. I hope you can get the help now and find some peace in your life. It sounds like you're still struggling to process what has happened regarding your ex, and that is totally understandable because you have been left without any explanation and without time to process that and recover because you were putting your children's needs first. Now is the time to find a balance between the needs of your job and children, and your own needs.

I have a 2.5 year old that's part time in nursery and know what you're describing- it's full on and relentless.
Doing it alone and holding down a job, however, is another feat altogether and I think you should be really proud of yourself for keeping it together.

Your ex doesn't deserve the mental/emotional energy you are spending thinking about him. Some counselling or CBT may be helpful for you to process your feelings and put them behind you. Hopefully then you can start to decompress a little and really make use of the weekends you have to yourself.
With some clarity, you'll feel better and things may well still be challenging with a toddler but you'll manage better too.
Remember, this won't last forever, and things will get easier but you're doing amazing so far.

@FeckOffNowLads thanks, yes it is the same for me, pre menstrual is absolutely horrendous! I am struggling so much

It's ok.
As PPs have rightly said, this is anxiety.
You're having anxiety attacks.
You're anxious because you're scared and your brain is panicking.
You must feel very upset and worried after everything you've been through and that worry has gone in to overdrive.
This isn't your fault.
You need loads of help and support.
In this country, we are all expected to cope alone with our circumstances, and that's bad for our mental health.
You need people helping you, that's what we need as humans.
Go to your GP and tell them what you have told us.
Google support groups or charities for single parents - they know how hard this is for you and they will help you.
Try https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/
And ask for help with practical things from people you know. Friends, family, neighbours. If you reach out and tell people how you are feeling and ask them for help, they will help you as best they can. Ask if they could look after your little one for a couple of hours here and there to give you some small chunks of time alone. Ask if they'd go for a walk and a chat with you whilst you push your little one in the buggy, things like that, so that you feel supported. Most people will readily help and support others if they know that person needs it.
You must be exhausted too. Look after yourself well. Go to bed early and sleep. Eat well. Get some exercise, just walking outdoors will do. You really need to be looking after yourself right now.
Book a GP appointment on Monday. Tell them exactly how anxious you feel. Tell them your physical symptoms. Tell them you're struggling. Tell them about your pre menstrual symptoms. Ask them to refer you for mental health support. Make it very clear to them that you need help.
Wishing you all the best OP.
You will be OK if you access help and support. Be brave and tell people IRL.xx

I agree with previous posters, this def sounds like panic attacks (waking up heart racing and unable to calm it) and general anxiety (can’t relax around friends).

ive had both; it’s shit. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

My best friend had generalised anxiety (no panic attacks) for years with same symptoms as you of dreading meeting up with us friends for a weekend or whatever. She couldn’t relax and would leave early the next morning. Also hated being out of her own environment and her own routine. She went to the doctor who prescribed her something for anti anxiety and is now like a different person. She’s much more positive, happy in her job, much more sociable.

I found talking therapy helped the panic attacks a lot. And also just being able to recognise when your body is ramping up, so you can talk yourself down from it and know you aren’t about to have a heart attack. Drinking lots of water seems to help keep mine at bay. When they start I get myself a glass of water and go outside into the cold air, do deep breaths into my tummy and tell myself in my head what’s going on (“your heart is fine, this is a panic attack, it’s all in your head, etc”).

All the above are how to manage the situation though; they don’t address the root cause. Do your parents or your daughter’s father’s parents live nearby? Could they help support your with childcare and running your house during the week?

Hi @Slownreakd you've got a hell of a lot on your plate.

Your story resonates with me. I felt much like you did about 35 years ago! My DD's father dumped me and never had anything to do with DD. It was a massive responsibility to look after DD by myself, make all the decisions etc.
I really wish I had spoken to my GP instead of waiting years to talk to someone.
I agree with all the pp who say ask for help and find small ways to look after yourself and find something for you.
Good luck!