My Mum is an Alcoholic

[AlcoholicMum]

Hi there, I’m struggling so much right now. My mum (early 70’s) has had an alcohol dependency for as long as I can remember. (I’m mid 40’s).

She has been very cruel and said some really awful, awful things over the years - but my siblings and I have tried to ignore, even though it has worn us down so much.

We are now at the point that if you want to have a sober conversation with her, you need to call or visit before 10am, as she starts drinking soon after that. She is also heavily medicated with addictive painkillers with back issues. So the two definitely don’t mix.

We have tried many interventions to support her in getting help. AA / Dr’s / mental health providers - but she just isn’t interested as she has been told she isnt an alcoholic, apparently - by AA. (Possibly because she isn’t telling the truth about her true consumption).

My siblings and I went low contact a few months ago because we find it very hard to cope with her behaviour and vitriol. Eg - we are useless, awful people, terrible parents, terrible children, never do anything right etc. and these comments are constant.

But the low contact hasn’t helped at all.

We are all petrified of being alone with her, because she tears into us. We are trying to shield our children from her, because they shouldn’t see their grandma behaving the way she does.

Has anyone been in this situation and managed to help a person in need of serious help?

Please be gentle - I’m in need of serious advice.

Sorry you’re going through this.
You can’t help someone who won’t admit they have a problem. All you can do is protect yourselves and your DC from
her. in your shoes I would keep low contact. 💐

I have ' functioning ' alcoholic relatives. Mum and brother basically. There is a very strong link between narcissistic personality and addiction. You might help your mum with her addiction ( unlikely) but you'll never change her personality type.

I don't understand why you are still around in her life. Do you feel responsible or pity her? Does she lean on you heavily emotionally so that you feel responsible? You owe your abusive mother absolutely nothing. I understood how very hard that is to buy into. I imagine you've been impacted by your mother your entire life and there's some sort of trauma bond there. If she kills herself as a result of all this it is nothing at all to do with you. You've probably been trained to feel responsible for her your entire life. There are groups in AA for relatives that I believe are really helpful for so many. It isn't an easy journey.

Op she's in her 70s and has been like this for decades - she won't change. No, there's nothing you can do. Look after yourself and your children. Stay low or no contact.

Honestly, once you accept this and give up on worrying about finding a solution you will feel far more at peace.

She’s lying,nobody in AA would tell her she isn’t an alcoholic.If she doesn’t want help,there is nothing you can do.

You can call Al-anon and get help for yourself.They tell you to detach with love,your children shouldn’t be witnessing her behaviour.

I am an alcoholic,sober 21 years in AA.But I was desperate to stop drinking,she clearly isn’t.

Have you spoken to NACOA? A friend in a very similar situation to yours has found them very helpful and supportive over the years.
Ultimately though you can't change her, just how you react to her. You can't make her change or get help, but you can get help for yourself.

We are all petrified of being alone with her, because she tears into us. We are trying to shield our children from her, because they shouldn’t see their grandma behaving the way she does.

I've been there, with a narcissist not an alcoholic. The best advise I was given by a professional was to always have someone else with me, never see her alone.

Has anyone been in this situation and managed to help a person in need of serious help?

You cannot change her. Your best move is to protect yourself/ves at all times, in whatever way feels necessary.

Al-Anon would offer you some support. And they would also tell you, you cannot change her. Whether she's 40, 50, 60, 70 - but as she's 70, forget it.

For many years, I supported her financially and emotionally and I always felt it was my duty to do so.

I didn’t know that AA supported relatives - that’s really good to know, thank you x

Well done Lady! That’s quite an achievement.

I don’t want to give up on her, but I don’t know what else to do

I just can’t imagine going NC. She has no friends. She has a husband (stepdad) who although is not an alcoholic, does enjoy a drink and whilst we have begged him to keep alcohol out of the house, he refuses. One of my sisters calls him an enabler.

I really can’t imagine never talking to her again?

Wasn't suggesting NC. Always have someone else (not a child) with you when you see her. Other examples: Only speak on the phone with her pre-10am, or whatever her drinking hours are. If she phones up drunk, tell her you aren't speaking to her when she is drunk and hang up.

Set up some rules of engagement to protect yourself, ie.

My mother was like this, although much younger.

I had to go no contact. Having my own child was the catalyst for that. I couldn't let her damage him the way she did her own children.

I wrote her a letter explaining why, saying that if she ever wanted to stop drinking then I would wholeheartedly support her in any way I could, but I could no longer continue to carry the burden of her alcoholism. Funnily enough, from that day on, my own mental health improved significantly. Within months I was off of medication and no longer needing the counselling I'd been having for ages.

Sadly, in my case, it didn't end well. She drank herself to death by 60 and died alone because her addiction had driven everyone (all my siblings, her own, other family, friends) away because she was just unbearable.

I hope you manage to find a balance that you are happy with and helps you find some peace. Having a parent like this can be incredibly damaging. Be kind to yourself.

I’m so, so sorry that you went through this.

Did you struggle mentally with going NC?

I feel for you OP I am in what sounds a similar situation.

The sad truth is there is nothing we can do to help them apart from control the controllables. I can’t stop her drinking but I can control my reaction to it, if she has been drinking when I go to see her or talk to her I keep things as short as possible. I try not to react to unkind things said. I am lucky in that when occasionally sober she is the kindest loveliest person. When drunk however it’s a different story completely.

If you are on Facebook there is a group
al anon uk that has really helped me.

Not at all. Quite the opposite actually, I felt a huge weight had been lifted. I had struggled with my mental health since a teenager, to the point of being suicidal in my early 20s and this was largely due to her drinking. I remember being 14/15 years old, walking home from school and dreading not knowing what i was going back to. She could be volatile when intoxicated, never violent, but would get angry, stomp around, throw things etc. and even now if I hear my husband (who is just naturally both flat and heavy footed) walking around upstairs, it still sparks a small amount of anxiety for a split second. The smell of red wine has a similar effect (I don't drink but occasionally use it in cooking).

For me the final straw was when I was late getting to hers as I'd been "involved" in an accident on the motorway. Whilst I wasn't hit myself, it happened around me (I managed to avoid the other cars), and I stopped and provided first aid, had to speak to police when they arrived as a witness etc. When I told her this is why I was late, her only reaction was "you should have left earlier then". This was the moment that I realised that it was all about her and her next drink, she didn't actually care about anyone or anything any more, and thinking back, hadn't for a long time.

Once I was pregnant and then had my own child, I realised what parental love was. I don't think I ever really had it (from either parent!). I was never told I was loved, don't recall feeling loved, often felt quite unsecure in life - there was always the threaf of bailiffs and final demands because buying alcohol was hwr financial priority. I've since come to realise that she probably had her own undiagnosed mental health issues, but she still chose to use alcohol rather than do anything about it.

She never tried to contact me. I had already had to block her on social media as as every time she'd been drinking she'd post incoherent, disparaging ramblings but I made sure I kept my phone number the same, I lived at the same address etc.

She was found deceased at home after neighbours raised concerns having not seen her for a while. She'd been there for a while without anyone realising, because she literally had no contact with anyone. I didnt and dont feel any guilt. Yes I hoped things could have been different, but the only person who can help an addict is themselves.

as much as it would hurt, I would remove myself from situations that involve her. Go NC and save your mental health and that of your children. It sounds like your whole family is affected by her and she is bringing lots of misery. You can’t make her stop drinking if she does want to, but you can protect yourself from her words, actions and the impact she has on those around her.

I’m in the same position, my mum is literally killing herself drinking all day, has got worse fit to being able to wfh due to covid. She’s now 6 stone and losing her teeth, doesn’t dress or leave the house. She’s never mean or nasty though, just self harm. She was my best friend and I miss the woman she was, it’s like watching a slow suicide

Hello, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your situation is virtually identical to mine, so I understand how difficult this must be for you. I don’t know if you have been to AlAnon but they offer support to anyone affected by someone else’s drinking. It’s really helped me.

Hi, I know this post hasn’t been looked at for a few months but I’m not sure where to turn. So envious of those of you with siblings - I’m an only child and facing this alone. My mum is 77, alcoholic, lives alone. She smokes and drinks all day long. Her house is yellow, cluttered full of unopened boxes from shopping channels, and a completely smelly mess. I can no longer take the children round there as it’s not a kid-friendly environment. Her kitchen is disgusting, the whole house is. She is housebound, doesn’t wash and, to be honest, looks and smells like an absolute state. But… she refuses ANY help. I arranged for daily carers to go in a few years ago but she told them not to go back! I offered to clean and sort her kitchen but she snaps at me to leave it alone. I just don’t know what to do. I am judged by her one friend and by her sister for ‘not doing enough’ but what the hell can I do? She has somehow mastered Sainsbury’s shopping on ancient laptop and gets stacks of gin delivered once or twice a week. She is very immobile and shouldn’t really be living alone but even if i requested a welfare check, what would the point be as she’d refuse any help/intervention. At the moment she is classed as having mental capacity. Having read the thread I might try Al-Anon but any other thoughts very welcome please.

While they have capacity my understanding is there is nothing we can do. It’s a heart breaking situation. Can you contact her GP to make sure they are aware of the situation?
Look after yourself, try the Al anon pages on Facebook I honestly have found it helps so much to even just vent to people who understand and can sympathise with how complex this it 💐

@Pinkycloud sorry to hear you’re dealing with this situation on your own as an only child. What exactly are her friend and sister going to help her that gives them the right to criticise you? For your own sake, contact Al-anon for some support. Contact your mum’s GP and alert them to her situation and vulnerability. See if you can get a referral to Adult Social Services. But ultimately, if she is considered to have her faculties and refuses any help, there’s really nothing you can do. For your own sake and your children’s, you need to focus on your own family and step back from her if she is unwilling to accept an intervention. No one can save an addict except themself.