Ocd is holding me back and ruining my life

[Hunreasonable]

I was diagnosed with OCD about 5 years ago. It affects my daily life in many ways but it mainly causes excessive rumination and going over past events. Lately it has got a lot worse as I'm alone all day working from home and the lack of human interaction is making my ruminating/obsessing even worse.

I go over events that have happened years ago- sometimes over 10 years ago- and obsess about them to the point the situation in my head turns me into the worst kind of villain you can imagine who doesn't deserve any happiness. These things tend to be minor or events/conversations that have often never even happened but I will obsess to the point I almost believe the obsession to be true. I use the fact it was so long ago as proof my memory cannot be relied upon. I used to drink a lot of alcohol and party a lot in my twenties, this really fuels my obsessive thoughts due to memories being foggy.

I waste a lot of my day going through old messengerconversations/whatsapps/instagram messages/going through my old icloud that dates back to 2012. I write reassurances to myself in the notes section of my phone, I currently have around 7000. I seek reassurance from friends who often have no idea what I am talking about. This is really taking a toll on my work and I often find it difficult to pay attention in conversation as my mind is elsewhere.

I have tried CBT twice and have felt it did absolutely nothing whatsoever for me. The waiting lists are so long and every time I go back to the GP, all I am offered are SSRI's or CBT. I had high intensity CBT during lockdown but the therapist kept cancelling due to sickness, at my new GP's they wouldnt offer this to me, only the standard CBT. I felt the "worries" they kept asking me about were in no way reflective of the distress I feel on a daily basis.

I don't want to go on any medication as I have seen first hand people I know gaining a lot of weight whilst on them and I feel that would make my mental health far worse. I'm in a really good place with my fitness and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise this. I guess what I'm really trying to ask is whether anybody has successfully made their ocd better with any other approaches?

I know you say you don't want to take medication but it can help. Fluoxetine helped me. I suffer from similar symptoms and it helps. Also mindfulness can help. Don't fight the thoughts just let them wash over you. I think fighting them keeps them going. It will pass I am sure xx

Ps I haven't put on any weight. I didn't know that it could be a side effect.

Only thing that really helped me was going to the gym. I did CBT I did ERP nothing really made a difference but I've realised if I knacker myself out in the gym it dampens the constant voice in my head going on and on about pointless things.

I still get the odd flare up when it's bad but I would say 90% of the time I control my thoughts rather than the other way round.

@Hunreasonable so sorry you are experiencing this. I have similar phases. I agree with another poster that exercise really helps. One thing I do which I realise sounds silly, but in my darkest moments I really try and force myself to be kind to myself, treat myself like I would treat a friend. It takes a lot of effort to calm myself down but with practice I have found that I am often much softer with my own thoughts too, by virtue of the everyday way I am also practically kind to myself (face cream, good food, a tea, basically whatever self care means to you). Not sure if any of this is helpful but I hope you are ok. It’s so tough.

You need medication. Life changing and you can always stop if it does put on weight, which in my experience it hasn’t … actually prozac stopped my obsessive eating and I later found out it’s used for exactly that!

Medication wasn’t a genuine fix for my OCD. It damped the symptoms down but they came roaring back when I tried to come off the ADs. But ADs are really helpful for getting through the overwhelming periods where the thoughts take over. They give you space to get on with your life, and it sounds like you need that space.

What actually “cured” my OCD (so far, fingers crossed!) was doing an extremely challenging, multi year yoga teacher training. The routine and relentless physical exercise, maintained over several years, got me out of my ruminating, obsessive head and into my body - and there I have stayed. I’ve also done loads of therapy and Buddhist insight meditation to help me understand past traumas and the complex coping mechanisms I’ve developed to survive them. Understanding and forgiving yourself is key to getting past the self-flagellating hell of OCD.

I hope you’re ok and can find the help you need. Good luck x

You can’t live like this as a preference to taking meds in case you get fat. Cmon now. As long as you keep up with your exercise and healthy eating you will be fine, but choosing to remain mentally ill and impacted this way to avoid any small risk of weight gain is not sensible.

Just here to offer a solidarity handhold as your post could be about me. You are not alone ❤️

No advice, just sympathy. I, too, have OCD. It's horrible.

op have you heard of NAC (n-acetylcysteine)? It’s an over the counter supplement and I take it for trichotilomania and repetitive behaviour associated with autism but I’ve noticed it’s made a huge difference to my ruminating thoughts. I’ve just googled “NAC OCD” and I’m unsurprised to see it’s shown positive results with ocd. It’s harsh on your stomach and the tablets stink but it’s not got serious consequences of ssris so is probably worth a go? I literally notice an improvement in my symptoms within an hour of taking it. I take two tablets at a time which is 1200mg and I tend to take them before work or when I notice I’m pulling my hair or getting stuck on thought loops. If I’m having a bad day at work I might take two more tablets in early afternoon and I don’t generally take them at weekends.

im very sorry you are suffering with this.

I also struggle massively with OCD and meds help so much. I’ve taken them during times in my life that I was being eaten alive by anxiety and rumination and they worked like magic - just quietened everything down.

I also didn’t gain weight at all - be aware of what you’re eating and you should be fine. You can also try different ones.

It's pure hell and battled with it for years. You have to stop asking for reassurance and googling/going over past msg etc...these are compulsions and are making the cycle of ocd worse.
You need ERP therapy not CBT alongside medication.
Sending you so much love.
So many people have NO idea how debilitating ocd is.

I don't have OCD, but I also ruminate to the point it drives me mad. I keep rewriting conversations in my head or planning what I should have done for things that are well in the past. It often stops me from sleeping because my brain just won't stop going over and over things.

Genuinely, medication did help me when this was really bad. I took trazodone. I haven't gained any weight on it at. I've been taking it for ten years now and I still fit in the same clothes I was wearing when I started.

I remember the morning I woke up after first taking it. I immediately started trying to go over things again, but it was like the thoughts had become glassy and slippery, so I could let go of them and actually concentrate on my life for a change. It was a miracle.

I've been so much better since. I still get it sometimes, but not to nearly the same extent.

Might be worth seeing if your doctor will let you trial it. You can always stop taking it if it doesn't suit you.

If you're still very against medication, have you looked into brown noise? Playing this fairly loudly (I usually go for rain sounds mixed with it) really helps my brain to switch off.

I also like having an audiobook on to distract me.

I've been medicated for OCD on and off since I was 17. Medication helps. It's not a cure, but it helps.

My weight hasn't changed due to meds. The only time my weight changes is with my ADHD meds because they suppress my appetite.

Medication is worth trying. I can't not function because I have a ds who needs me. I need meds to be the Mum I want to be.

OCD is living hell, sorry you are going through this. I’ve had two bouts plus episodes of health anxiety (which is basically health OCD) and rumination was my main compulsion. From experience when your compulsions are mainly mental not physical (like hand washing) it can be harder to tackle them as they’re less obvious.
You probably know this but reassurance-seeking keeps the cycle of OCD going. You need to start to break the cycle in whatever ways you can.

Did your CBT include ERP?? That is the ‘gold standard’ treatment for OCD. This massively helped me, I did it with the organisation IESO. It’s free on the NHS and you can self refer as long as your GP is signed up for it. I only waited a week or so for my first appointments and it was really good, easy to arrange appointments and you can message your therapist in between appointments.
I never took meds but second those PP saying they may help initially to dampen down the worst of your symptoms.

There is a YouTube channel by someone called Ali Greymond and I found her so so helpful. I think watching her was probably as helpful as the therapy I had! She talks a lot about rumination.

I had a book called ‘The Mindfulness workbook for OCD’ which helped too.

Good luck x

OCD here too and started on prozac in Feb - it has been a game changer and if anything I have lost weight as had more energy and excitement for life - I didn't realise how much my life had the joy sucked out of it until about a month in - this had been going on for years

My covert OCD vanished once I started on HRT. Getting my hypothyroidism adequately treated also helped enormously.

Don't rule out an underlying hormonal issue, but you'll have to research that yourself, in my experience the GPs have been useless.

Ocd and limerance together are a bloody nightmare.

OCD is life controlling. You can appear to be a bubbly person but underneath no one has any idea what is going on in your mind. I've suffered from it from forever but only realised what it was years later. Why are you so against medication? There is a lack of chemicals in our bodies which tablets can help with and believe me they do! I didn't want to take them either but the difference really is amazing. Going from feeling out of control with my emotions to taking the edge off and still having severe OCD, a daily battle, to being able to cope with them. No magic cure but a bit of help to for the worst effects, they dilute the feelings so you can function. Xx

I find this inspiring. Can I ask how u find the motivation to do this please? I used to do a lot of fitness but haven't past few years. X