I would want to know if my child was being bullied

[struggling1983]

* or is the bully!

DD9 is being bullied at school. Its two girls in her year and its been happening on and off since October when she joined the school. Has included excluding her from play, playdates, not giving her shared sweets, calling her a pig and recently them asking her younger sister to hit her in the playground. The school had a session with the girls about anti bullying process including warnings, detention etc the day before as a result of another parent's complaint.
I went to the school yesterday, head blamed it on covid and late socialisation 'they are still learning how to behave'. I asked if the other parents were aware as this is something going on for a while. They said no, they would get the parents involved when and if they needed to and said i shouldnt either as 'i have to scoialise with them' (I am not sure if its relevant, but its a fee paying school and i have found that we do attend events with other parents more than when they were in state school). I then get a letter about how my DD had been subject to 'unkind comments' from her peers.
Meanwhile while this is happening the girl in concern is getting star of the week every other week, main parts in plays and my dd is starting to school refuse. Her parents walk around gushing about how w0onderful the school is and 'isnt it wonderful that they all get on soooo well'.
AIBU to write back and say 'its bullying not unkind comments' as i feel she is minimising it?
AIBU that I would want to know if my child is being bullied or is bullying? I would want to understand why so i could help

Sorry - maybe it is a bit of a ramble. Essentially I am asking if I am being unreasonable to think that they should be letting the parents know if their children are behaving like this at school. Or telling people that their child is being bullying.

Why? It’s clear.

YANBU, @struggling1983 It sounds as if the school want to keep the peace. The only thing that I agree with them about is not approaching the parents yourself (not suggesting you were going to do this but some people do and it never ends well.)

It's tricky OP. I understand wanting to speak to the parents yourself, but IME it rarely goes well. If it comes out of the blue (as they haven't heard anything from the school) they are most likely to not believe you and defend their child. Sorry but it's best to keep talking to the school.

Speak to the parents, why has this went on so long op. Nip it in the bud now. Get a hold of them at finish time.

Most parents would react badly and try and blame your child unfortunately. We went through something similar and the school didn't want to take it seriously as the mum was popular with staff and volunteered at the school. The girl was made a prefect. I know how tempting it is to tell the parents though.
Thankfully dd's secondary was much better at dealing with bullying, partly because they weren't sucking up the the parents of the bullies.

I think I will do if it continues.

I really dont want to talk to the parents - I think they would be shocked as all they can say is how wonderful everything is and 'they all get on so well its it lovely'. I will speak to them as a last resort.

I kind of think that its for the school to tell parents that their child is behaving in this way.

A teacher at the school who is my friend has confirmed that they are not particularly nice girls at the moment.

But its ok because we are still able to blame covid.

I'd be asking how this child is earning star of the week if they are behaving like this.

Personally I would speak to the parents...my mate did this and said "your dd is bullying mine. If it doesn't stop I will bully you." It stopped .

Now I'm not saying you take that approach but you need to explain to the school either they stop it or you will. You are a customer. They are providing a service. It's not the state system. You need to be a little nasty yourself here as the school clearly doesn't want to rock the boat.

My solution would be to tell the head that if it doesn't stop you are going to.approach all the parents in the school and ask if x is also bullying their child as it appears the staff have buried their heads and you want to know the extent of the problem before you contact the governors and your solicitor.

The solicitor threat is there because the school owed a duty of care, they have failed and legal address can be an option