To lie about past?

[kcchiefette]

I have done a lot of things in my past, like others that I am not exactly proud of.

I was with my exH since I was 16 and we married when I was 21. He was always an angry man but the anger was never directed to me and I was too young to really know any better (he had been my first serious relationship).

After we married, it quickly turned into a DV dynamic, starting with psychological and putting me down. Family and friends started to see it as well and comment. My self esteem was down the pan, I felt "stuck" and went into self sabotage mode.

So, I cheated. Multiple times.

I didn't lie or cover it up, but I told him. I hoped he would leave me. But he didn't, and I wasn't strong enough to leave him for another 3 years or so until it escalated to physical violence and I worried for our DS safety.

Since then, I have had a few boyfriends and it comes up in casual chat at times during dating. "I could never be with a cheater", "once a cheat, always a cheat" etc and those phrases hit me. I always tell them "no I haven't ever cheated" but I know fine rightly that I have but would others be so understandable? I think I would be cautious around someone who admitted they cheated on a previous partner, and it's whether or not they decide to believe your story.

Just to clarify, I havent cheated on any other partner and I know better now to leave a relationship after years and a lot of money spent on therapy to fix my confidence and self esteem.

AIBU to lie about this to future partners or would you be truthful about it if the topic came up?

Of course lie. Nobody has a right to know all your past. Fine if you want to share. Fine if you don’t. It’s not who you are now and that’s enough.

I would say you don’t need to divulge that. It’s not who you are now. Don’t be hard on yourself either. Well done for getting away from that man. Be kind enough to yourself to allow a fresh start and I think that includes not having to go into detail about any of that stuff. ♥️

I think, given the circumstances, you should cut yourself some slack. Just as you found the strength to leave your awful ex, allow yourself to leave that past life behind. You were trying to escape your marriage and that felt like the way to end it at the time. In other circumstances, it would have been hugely wrong, but I get why you did it. Absolutely no judgement from me - just admiration that you managed to find your way out of it in the end to protect yourself and your child.

Also, some people who speak strongly against cheating are just putting up a smoke screen to hide the fact they are cheats themselves. How many people have said they were shocked their partner cheated as they’d always been so critical of people that do. So keep your wits about you.

Don’t tell anyone you cheated. In fact people who’ve come out of abusive relationships shouldn’t tell anyone about that until they know them really, really well. Because that would be potentially telling another abuser your weaknesses.

No-one is entitled to know about your past so I wouldn’t say anything. Start with a clean slate. I wish you all the best in future relationships.

I’ve been in a similar situation and actually confessed to my current partner who was understanding and didn’t judge me at all. HOWEVER I didn’t need to and I don’t think you do either. I think you need to forgive yourself, you likely did it because you needed comfort and attention when you weren’t getting it from your husband. Human beings have needs and when they’re being abused by someone close to them, they go looking elsewhere. Give yourself a break, you’re not that person anymore and don’t need to divulge anything from your past.

Cheating is making someone live a lie. You didn’t as your WOS 1st husband knew you had SWOM outside the marriage. Just agree living a lie is not what you are looking for either, honesty is the best policy going forward. The past is nobody else’s business.

Absolutely fine not to reveal this past history to a prospective new partner.

I don't go in for the whole "once a cheater always a cheater" crap, context matters. If I was in the early stages of dating someone and the subject of cheating came up, I would take someone at their word if they said they'd never done it. If things got serious and I learned more about them and their past where cheating had actually happened then context would matter. The context for your cheating was a horrific, abusive relationship, you can't discuss one without the other and you could never be expected to share that experience with someone until you've built trust. In this case, the "lie" is fully justified.

Some people will will focus on the lie rather than show empathy what you've been through but that will just show that they probably aren't the right person for you.

I honestly don't feel like it's healthy to NEVER tell a partner what you've been through. It's your past and it's your choice who to share it with but if you can never trust anyone to understand it then that either says something about the relationship or it tells me that you haven't come to terms with it yourself. Either way, I feel like that would need to be addressed for your own sake.

You were young and in an abusive relationship. I wouldn’t lie, what if he becomes your long term partner and then find out (through maybe your DS or your ex) and then that’s all the trust gone.

This. It's kind of a given that no one wants to be cheated on, so if they feel the need to say it it can be a sign of their own history.

See also: 'I'm a nice guy'.

Absolutely lie. And I would think anyone who keeps bleating "I could never be with a cheater", "once a cheat, always a cheat" are likely a cheater themselves.

Surely lots of us have done things in the past that we are not proud or/wouldn't do again so just keep those things as past experiences that have made you who you are today. No need to disclose them to anybody.

im not going to go into the whole thing, but i left my ex husband in similar cirsumstances, the circumstances around my leaving (affair) have never been discussed until i was absolutely sure that the person i was with was 'for life' as far as i was concerned.

i was cheated on several times myself and i hold the theory (right or wrong) that everyone deserves a second chance, probably because i feel i deserved one.

my now husband is well aware of my past, everything, there is nothing he doesn't know and im not going to lie it was grim because we do no keep secrets.

and he was able to see the bigger picture.. to the world i am a cheater, to him, he doesnt care because he knows why it happened.

don't tell anyone unless there comes a time when you really need too.

You were very young as well as in an abusive relationship op.

Most teenagers and young adults have to experience losing somebody because they made a mistake and cheated, or risking losing somebody they care about, or being cheated on, to truly discover how painful it is and the damage it can cause to others. I think most young people make those mistakes as part of finding themselves.

You don't need to tell anybody, I don't think it's likely it will happen again in the future. If it does and it becomes a pattern of behaviour then you need to address that and work on yourself, but until then I'd say you're probably not going to cheat and you don't need to discuss it.

I think honesty is better for you and better for them. But this isn't a first date conversation. I think you do 'owe' honesty to someone you're in a long term relationship with though - otherwise you're all just living a lie. I don't think this is a case where you have to be upfront about it though, just if it comes up and you're long term then I'd be honest.

If someone says something like 'once a cheater always a cheater' on an early date then it would be better for you just to end things there IMO.

My opinion is that honesty is better than living a lie. Own the past, the circumstances you were in, and learn from it. That's not who you are now. Anyone who can't give you grace over it isn't worth your time.

Why tell them, what do either of you gain from it? It happened, you need to forgive yourself, you know why you acted like that.

Plus I expect that most of these guys have cheated on a girlfriend, wife or would if they had the chance. They are being hypocritical.

Of course lie, with no guilt. You’re entitled to privacy.

YANBU to lie.

Issues could arise if your new boyfriend finds out somehow, eg encounters your horrible ex or in some other way, eg comment from someone else.

It’s no one else’s business what you’ve done in the past. Also, you were reacting to an awful and abusive situation. No one needs to know.
You shouldn’t have to be at a disadvantage for the rest of your life because of what your awful ex did.

Also, because you were open about it it wasn’t really “cheating”. You told your H about it.

I hope all those sanctimonious farts in MN who scream a cheat is a cheat and they should rot in hell read these comments. Of course context matters. OP I'm glad you got out and you don't have to disclose anything you don't want to.

If a friend told you this, what would you say to her? Be kinder to yourself given the circumstances. It’s nobody else’s business

I also was in a long term relationship (19-25) with my ex who I wanted to break up with but felt I couldn't. He struggled with depression and did drugs and although not abusive to me, I was very unhappy. I cheated in the end, hoping he would dump me. He didn't. It was awful and I felt so trapped. I finally had to break it off with him and he did not take it well. Horrible situation. Don't feel bad about it, that doesn't define you. I have never cheated again and am normally very loyal and monogomous, it was purely situational. Just put the past in the past and try not to give it any more time moving forwards. xxx