To find it really hard my son reminds me of my ex

[PoppyDress]

Splitting with my husband. He was life and soul of the party (funny, drunk) but he became v unkind to me. Defensive, hyper sensitive, rigid, no empathy. I don't know if he faked it at start or he grew to hate me.

DS is only in Year One. A million and one referrals for behaviour, speech, communication. School going for EHCP. On ASD waiting list

What I struggle with and what I could never say to anyone ever is that my son reminds me of my ex and I hate it. I love my son, but he is also highly sensitive, challenging, and he has such rage in him. He is v insecure with other kids which makes me him bossy and sulky. Just like his dad.

I feel so sad that my son may become his dad. My H masked a lot with booze and now that's gone he's a scared and angry man in a lot of ways.

How do I stop this horrible feeling towards my son? How do I support my son to not become an angry adult man?

Often you see people on here blame the mums for grown men's issues and I think that's wrong, but sometimes I look at my son and think he may turn into one of the men women on here post about.

I have had similar concerns as my ex lacked empathy and was a heavy drinker. I have been concentrating on trying to teach my sons empathy by talking about my own feelings and becoming much more open than I used to be about this sort of thing.
I've found these resources helpful:

How to raise emotionally intelligent kids by Dr Psych Mom (about 15 minutes long)

https://www.drpsychmom.com/teach-kids-empathy/

Short video here :

Social skills do come easier to some children than to others, but everyone can learn to improve their skills. It just takes more work for some people. With one child I've had to be very matter of fact about spelling out what his behaviour is signalling - how he may be giving people the wrong impression about his feelings, or making them feel uncomfortable. It's been very rewarding to really see change as he's got older. Good luck!

Your ex sounds like he could have narcissistic traits. A defining characteristic reality of narcissists is that they don’t take accountability, lack empathy etc. a strong theory is that narcissists are like this due to their brains never fully developing and maturing their brains.

the reality is that children ARE narcissists. They lack empathy. They will lie to get what they want. They want things their way and don’t understand why it can’t be that way. As they grow, we help them to learn how to be better, to access their empathy, to see alternative views, to take responsibility and accountability etc.

your ds is behaving in a perfectly normal way for a child. Particularly a child who has experienced a family break up. But he’s young. He has lots of positive personality traits, I am sure. Nurture those. And help him to mature and grow as he needs to.