Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

(TW) I don't know if I was assaulted or not.

14 replies

AmberPombear · 25/04/2024 19:28

I would really appreciate help in trying to process an event that happened a few months ago. I was in my friend's room at uni, someone I have slept with previously. I told him I need to go to the shops as I could see he's moving towards trying to kiss me etc. and I didn't want to. He dismisses it and continues to kiss me, then moves me onto the bed so that he's lying on top of me. I push him off and repeat that I need to go to the shops, and he pushes me back onto the bed. This happens a few times until he, ur, finishes on top of me with me still in all my clothes, so I had to go and change my jeans.
The thing is, each time when he pushed me back onto the bed after me pushing him off and telling him I needed to go, I kissed him back. I thought at that time he was a good friend and was worried about creating a scene or ruining our friendship.
The more I think about it, the more disgusting and violated I feel. Could it have been that I didn't make it clear enough and he thought I was just playing around? He apologised after which also confused me.
I feel so lost and I'm tying myself up in knots trying to work out if what happened was assault. Any input would really help, thank you.

OP posts:
AmberPombear · 25/04/2024 19:46

Would really appreciate any thoughts or advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Kittenkitty · 25/04/2024 21:05

With the limited details in your post I don’t think it could be clear to any of us who weren’t in the room with you. It seems that you weren’t enthusiastically consenting and he behave badly, but I’m not sure from the description alone that I’d go as far as assault.

However it’s more important what you feel and if you feel it was an assault and/or you feel violated there are plenty of sexual assault and rape services that can help you process your feelings and experience and move forward.

I’m absolutely not blaming you but I think it’s also worth considering how you can communicate your wants and needs as well as boundaries more clearly moving forward so you can feel more confident as you approach future situations.

Hope you start to process this and move forward with more peace.

RandomButtons · 25/04/2024 21:26

Let me get this right - he spontaneously orgasmed whilst laying on top of you and you were both fully clothed?

He was taking advantage for sure and the lines are very blurry here. Did you outright tell him to stop?

Andthereyougo · 25/04/2024 21:34

A horrible thing to happen and I imagine you feel violated. I think it’s important you speak to someone, you may have minimised it in your head. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/ will listen to you, they deal with all types of sexual abuse and assault.
There should also be a counselling service available on your campus if you feel more comfortable speaking to someone there.

typos

Rape Crisis England & Wales

Get help and support after rape, sexual assault, sexual abuse or any form of sexual violence. We are the charity working to end sexual violence and abuse.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

Freda999 · 25/04/2024 21:42

Read again what you said below

he's moving towards trying to kiss me etc. and I didn't want to. He dismisses it and continues to kiss me

I push him off and repeat that I need to go to the shops, and he pushes me back onto the bed.

This happens a few times until he, ur, finishes on top of me with me still in all my clothes, so I had to go and change my jeans.

I kissed him back.

Could it have been that I didn't make it clear enough and he thought I was just playing around? He apologised after which also confused me.

Does this answer your question? I would seek out a Rape crisis/support number for help. You didn't deserve this.

rollonretirementfgs · 25/04/2024 21:47

So he must have had his Willy out to finish on your jeans? You said you didn't want to but he still got his Willy out? That's not right.

3beesinmybonnet · 25/04/2024 21:52

You told him No repeatedly but he carried on regardless. It was assault.

Kissing him back does not cancel out all your protests - it's far more likely to have been an attempt to appease a stronger person who was attacking you, in order to stop things becoming even worse - you were in a vulnerable position. Look up the 'fawn' response to trauma.

It would be better to speak to someone knowledgeable about this.

Summerhillsquare · 25/04/2024 21:53

Pushing somebody back when they've said they want to go is clearly assault.

TipsyKoala · 26/04/2024 06:35

Did you actually say no I don’t want to? In which case this is assault no question. Or did you just say I need to get to the shops? A bit more blurred in that case but still awful behaviour and what he did was demeaning.

SkyBloo · 26/04/2024 06:38

Was he dressed?

You said no & physically pushed him away. When he pushed you to the bed, did you resist - ie such that he used physical force to overcome you?

Assault in my book. No means no.

PurpleBugz · 26/04/2024 07:46

He pushed you down after you pushed him off. That's you clearly saying no with your actions and him clearly disregarding it with his.

The fact he apologised after shows he knows what he did

Celticliving · 26/04/2024 07:51

Yes, you were assaulted. I'm so sorry that you went through this.

Ignore PP who say that the lines were blurred or that it doesn't constitute as assault, they are absolutely and utterly WRONG.

Please speak to someone if you are able. Here to hand-hold.

KreedKafer · 26/04/2024 09:31

It sounds to me as if the only reason you kissed him back was because you were confused and didn’t want to upset or anger him by completely rejecting him. I know that when I was younger, there were times when I definitely kissed someone because I felt that I kissed them, it might sort of fend them off? Like “I do not want sex with this man but if I at least kiss him, that might keep him happy and I’ll be able to leave without things turning nasty/awkward” sort of thing. It’s hard to explain, but there’s sometimes an element of “If he thinks he might be in with a chance another time, he’ll be more likely to let me go this time” so you do something low-level like kissing while also making it clear that you don’t want sex, and then just avoid ever being alone with them again.

You repeatedly said no and he had to physically push you on to the bed. I would say that is assault, personally. I don’t think it would be an easy thing to prove, but I certainly believe that you didn’t consent to what happened.

Im so sorry you’re having to go through this. Is there any student counselling/welfare/crisis service at your university where you could get some help and advice?

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 26/04/2024 14:34

You wanted him to stop
Couldn't stop him by pushing him away
Couldn't stop him by telling him you wanted to leave (to shop)
Kissed him back because you were worried about the effect s of not doing so.

He apologised-so recognises them at he did wrong to you.

Sounds like an assault to me.

Yes-do seek support. I am so sorry this happened to you. (It was not your fault!)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page