Kids at school being dicks to DD

[ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat]

This is more of a WWWD.

DD is at secondary. Some of her primary classmates went to the same school, but she doesn't have any contact with any of them, bar two. Every now and then they are doing shitty little things to her (they also recruited some of the new kids they met at secondary to join in)despite months of no interaction from her.

Today there was another incident. Name calling and throwing food at her and a her friend. It's stupid shit like this. They go quiet for months, then suddenly they remember she exists.

DD says they're being stupid and she's not particularly bothered and they should get a life. She doesn't want me to tell the school because it's not a big deal. She's also worried it will come back to her and things will escalate.

I'm fuming and not sure what to do. I want to tell the school, but I'm worried if I go against her wishes , she won't tell me anything else , or even worse, it does escalate and she will blame me.

I'm looking for all opinions /experiences to help me make a decision, as I'm really struggling, especially since my instinct is to really go for it.

Don't go against her wishes, just encourage her to speak to the teacher herself. Does no one witness it? Encourage her to speak to the teacher and ask the teacher not to say anything for now but just to be aware of the issue.

I had this for years with a group of boys at school best thing I did was speak up. It stopped happening and I wish I would have done it sooner then put up with it. I would keep encouraging her to speak up or you could just explain the situation to a teacher you trust at the school and explain you want to handle it with care. Would be so much easier if they caught them out.

She does talk to me. That's why I'm not sure if breaking her trust would be the best thing in the long run. I've always encouraged her to talk to teachers , but she extremely rarely does. I have gone to the school(s) before but it was always with her consent.There is a pastoral care member of staff that she kind of trusts, but I think she just keeps her in mind as back up in case something really bad happens.

I also can't be sure if she's really not bothered or just afraid. Or a mix of both. I honestly don't know.

Tell school

I would talk to her and let her know that you’re going to drop an email to the head of year to make them aware of the situation so they can keep an eye on things. Just explain school can’t help if they aren’t aware.

don’t do it behind her back but do let school know.

I think it’s shoddy behaviour on their part and it amounts to bullying. I’d try and make sure I was saying the right things-your DD has done nothing wrong, they are in the wrong here, it isn’t her fault-and doing exactly what you are doing, keeping the lines of communication open and believing and supporting her. I might encourage her to keep a diary, then first she might see a pattern, second it’s ammunition should she decide to talk to someone at school and third, she might find writing things down helps her. It seems like she is coping, which is great, and that you would know if she wasn’t. Childline has really good content on bullying on their website: maybe both of you could look at that?

That's a really good suggestion, I never would've thought to look at childline.

I gave her options for now and I told her to think about it. I'll also sleep on it, as right now I'm not exactly sensible and rational. Then we'll talk about it again . At least it's not a situation where I have to decide right now.

Anyone else?

A similar thing is going on for us right now. 12 year old DS. Started off with one kid in his group of friends being a dick to him but escalated to the group giving him shit at every opportunity, until they started spreading rumours about him that led to almost the whole year group turning against him. We told the school and they handled it well, but the boys who started it then felt aggrieved that they were 'dobbed in'.
They went out of their way to make my DS feel uncomfortable for months and their parents were worse than useless- 'my kid's no bully' etc (believe me they are!).
It has eventually died down with just the odd flash point. I have kept school informed of any obvious bullying, but have told them my DS doesnt want anything done out of fear that it will make things worse.
Something small happens now and again rather than it being relentless- which has its own challenges because it feels like he is waiting for the next thing to happen, and then when he lets his guard down it invariably does 🙄
If I were you I'd inform the school but say that your DD doesnt want any action taken for now. For all you know the school may be aware of other incidences those girls mistreating other pupils. The teachers may be able to keep an eye on things and catch or overhear something, which would save your DD getting any blame for 'dobbing'. Apart from that all you can do is give her plenty of space to vent. Hopefully her good friends can also be a support too.

I would absolutely tell school. The thing about this sort of behaviour is it either continues as it is or it escalates because no one is stopping them. The age of criminal responsibility in England is 10 because children know the difference between right and wrong at 10. So these kids know exactly what they are doing.

Reporting shitty behaviour usually stops it dead but the child always has a fear of escalation which is why they shy away from reporting. It after reporting it escalates then that gets reported too and the school have further sanctions in place for repeated behaviour. The school's bullying policy should be on their website and you can see what steps they take. My DCs's school clamped down on any type of bullying. My children reported stuff and it stopped. The staff checked in with them after to make sure it had completely ceased.

It is terrifying for children when they feel unsafe at school and she might be putting on a brave face for you. Sometimes we have to overrule our children's wishes in reporting. I am sure she wouldn't like it if some person started calling you names and throwing food at you. So she can understand from your point of view how horrifying it is to think of your child being treated this way by children you probably know.

...just to also add- we gave our DS some stock phrases to say or ways to react if something kicked off (he kept telling us his mind went blank or he would freeze and not respond in that moment). For example, the bullies used to get a different boy to come up to my DS and jump him from behind or stare right into his face. Finally, one day my DS shoved that boy in the shoulder, and the staring and intimidating stopped from him. It gave DS some confidence to know he could stand up for himself. Standing up to bullies can work too 😁

The really fucked up thing is that they have minimal contact. They were DD's friends in primary and then they all fell out with her and ostracised her over the summer holidays . Fine, they don't have to be friends. When they started secondary, they were all blocked , DD had (and still doesn't) nothing to do with them. None of them share her form and she made new (great) friends. She hasn't talked to some of these people since August. Then they randomly come out of the woodwork with shitty stuff like this. Why won't they just fucking move on? She has.

I've reported one incident with DD's permission, but I think she's just hoping they'll forget about her/get bored eventually. So do I tbh.

I had this when I was at school because I think I was an easy target for them to get their power trip. What stopped it was my brother and a few of his big mates meeting them at the gate for a word. Stopped it dead, that did.