Very rude 12 year old DS

[UnlimitedCake]

I’m at my wits end with DS (12) constant rudeness and disrespect towards me, DH and his sibling. A few examples are he constantly tells me I smell and sniffs the air when I am near saying there is a stench. I don’t smell (hopefully!) and bath everyday. He also randomly tells me I have a big nose and yesterday when he couldn’t get my attention straight away he called me “Megamind” 🙄 as I have a big forehead apparently. The amount of disrespect is dreadful, for extra info he is definitely on the spectrum, he’s on the pathway for an ADHD assessment/ASD assessment. He is also in a supported class at school but is highly intelligent and sociable. I always correct him when he says those things and have tried consequences for his rudeness.

What I would do is sit him down and have a calm conversation - point out this behaviour is rude and tiresome. Would he like it if someone was like this towards him?
Then, every time he does it at home - ignore it completely. No response no consequences. Just carry on as if you haven't noticed or haven't heard him. If he answers you rudely, just reiterate that you won't accept a response until it's phased politely. Keep modelling polite and respectful behaviour and totally ignore it when he is rude or silly. Cut off the oxygen of response!
Then - if he makes an improvement, comment positively and reward it. Teen (& nearly teen) brains respond much better to incentives than sanctions.

As I was reading it it sounds exactly like a friends DS, who has ADHD/ASD. No advice to give sadly as they have never managed to get him to stop this behavior and he is constantly in trouble at school because of it.

Maybe talk to the teachers in his class, they may have some social skills materials you could work on with him.

Rather than just telling him off, I think the phrase is "get curious". Is he saying it to wound, is he trying to be funny and missing the mark, is he thinking you enjoy being ribbed like this, is he reproducing how others treat him? Ask him why he said that. What you get back from him affects how you address it. Ask him how he thought it feels. Rather than just modelling being polite, model how you are reacting internally "Gosh that feels very hurtful, why would you say that?" - but obviously only if it's not intended to hurt.

Be aware of the double empathy problem - you may be misjudging his motivation and understanding as much as he is misjudging the situation. Maybe he is doing it with excellent insight, deliberately to hurt, in which case discipline might be appropriate. But that's not the only possibility. And remember just modelling often doesn't change the behaviour if there is an understanding gap - he may need to be coached explicitly. Spiky profile and all that - however intelligent he is, he could have surprisingly huge gaps in his social skills and insight.

This may all sound very wet from a mainstream perspective but we've made a lot more progress using a "kids do well when they can" approach. Maybe look at the Explosive Child book for ideas.

however intelligent he is, he could have surprisingly huge gaps in his social skills and insight
This is a really good point. This kind of knowledge is not as intuitive as we might think.

Sorry but I would bite back. "Yeah it's a shame about your gross spots and wonky teeth DS". Shock him into realising it's ugly, unkind behaviour.

clip round the ear😂

Have you asked him why he says these things? I'm sorry, it sounds very hurtful op. Kids are cruel and teenagers definitely haven't got a fully developed 'filter', but it sounds as if there is more going on here.

What consequences have you tried?

Oh dear, I think you’ve inherited it too!

oh no does it smell like yours, and give him a wink.

or just ask so many questions until it gets boring.
is having a big nose bad? Why? Would you want someone to say that to you? Why?
are you trying to funny or mean? Why? Are you trying to hurt my feelings on purpose? Why?

etc etc etc

Give clear punishments. Make a wall chart if necessary so he can't say he didn't understand.

Insult me and your device is taken away for X amount if time (24 hours, 3 days, weekend etc).

You could add in a reward although I'm personally inclined to think that good behaviour should be the norm but you could initiate - If you go one week without insulting me you can have X treat.

I'm not sure. I see what you're saying about ignoring, but I think that there should be consequences, like privileges being revoked. Not in a big, dramatic way, just every time he makes a rude personal comment, he loses screen time/pocket money/is grounded etc.

He is old enough to give it to him back. Ask him then if he likes it. I'm pretty certain he's not doing this to his friends and teachers so he knows the difference. He's 12, well old enough for some firm words and consequences.

That's quite nasty behaviour, tell him that he's being nasty.

Nip it on the bud before he becomes an odious adult

I really wouldn't do that. I would say, "How do you think you'd feel if someone criticised your appearance?" but I would never mention their physical flaws.

Does he do
this to everyone? If so he needs teaching that it’s not acceptable. Autism or not he’s got to learn to get by in the world without upsetting people.

If the answer is no, then he needs a new arsehole tearing because he’s just being obnoxious.

Take his phone away for a few days every time he calls you a name that is not on atall.

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I dont think its any SEN hes just being a dick.
If you keep bringing up oh he may ASD/ADHD he may just play on it and then you will hear i cant help it .
Snap back put him in his place you wouldent take it from your husband so dont take it from your child.

This.☝