To think 12 is old enough

[workworkbloodywork]

My ExP and I had a disagreement the other night and I’ve been trying to decide if I am unreasonable or not. I still believe that IANBU so thought I’d gather opinions.

Is it reasonable to think that a 12 year old boy is old enough to stay in a small town (circa 15000 population, small town in the southwest) for a few hours after school. Or the occasional day at the weekend.

DS is fairly mature, his dad expects him to get a public bus to a neighbouring town after school but thinks he is too young to be in town without supervision.

Is he just going to hang around with his mates? Mine and most are at this age. As long as it is safe. Some areas were I live wouldn't be.

Do you mean home one, or out with friends?

Most 12yos I know are more than capable of either.

Too many variables.

At that age many are getting the bus into town for the day but it's usually in groups of at least 2.

So if something happens - one becomes ill or whatever - the other can get help/deal with it.

Would he be on his own? Does he have a phone? How sensible is he?

Assuming there's no additional needs then yes of course a 12 yo should be OK to be unsupervised by an adult in a town for a couple of hours.
I live in a town and I've let my 8yo son be unsupervised (not for hours granted but he's only 8 not 12) for short periods.. he goes to the library whilst I'm in the shop etc
As long as you know the child is sensible and they know how to contact you and what they might do if they needed help, then I think it's not only fine but beneficial.

my 12 year olds were travelling to school on public transport and both had mobile phones with them.

they would often catch a later bus to come home but not often as most of their friends lived in the same village, so normally they would come home, pop in and then go out with their friends in the village rather than town.

i didn't have a problem with them staying in town for a bit longer and i would need to know where they were and who they were with.

independance and confidence to do these things at this age are key

It depends on the child. I was left alone from about that age, but I was a sensible child and very mature. My brother on the other hand is almost 15 and still not trusted enough to not burn the house down if left alone. I think it’s best to start small and see how they go before progressing for a longer period of time.

Most 12 yo hang out without adult supervision after school by choice anyway don't they?
Presuming he's with his mates, not just lingering in town alone?
Sounds totally normal to me.

I think most 12-year-olds would be perfectly fine spending a couple of hours in town, either with friends or just looking round the shops on their own. Kids that age generally travel to and from school independently, either walking or by public transport, so I don't see why they can't spend an hour or two in town.

You leave your 8 year old alone while you are in the shops? That is neglectful IMO. 8 is far too young, sensible or not.

OP do you mean a few hours every day after school or now and again? TBH at 12, whilst I do think that they are ok to hang out with their friends after school, I would not like my child to be hanging out in town for a few hours every day after school. Just my opinion though. I feel like it's too much.

If a 12 year old can get a bus alone they can spend a couple of hours in a town centre on their own. Why does he need to though? Can’t he go home if he wants to?

If my son was with his (very sensible) friends I would be fine with this. Alone wandering about perhaps less so (but he wouldn't want to).
Old enough - yes. It's not about age, rather maturity.

A few hours after school? Doing what? That sounded incredibly boring, even if he is hanging about with mates.

They'll find stuff to do, and it might not be things that you want them doing.

At 12 most kids should be able to hang out somewhere without an adult. But they need someway to contact someone who will look out for them if something unexpected happens - so family nearby he can go to, or parent on the end of a phone who can easily get to him, etc.

It depends, as everyone else has said. On the kid, on the town, friends or no friends etc.
I would have trusted both of mine, at 12, in the town centre /shopping centre (in Peterborough as that's where his school is) either on their own or with a group as long as they stayed in the more public/populated areas. Peterborough has some pretty dodgy streets.
Both (well just one now) have been getting the train to school their since Y7 ands its 35 minutes by car - the train is much easier and quicker - I have let the youngest meet his friends in town on a weekend before. I do have a tracker on his phone - that was always the deal with him being at a school that isn't that close by.

He is sensible, there has been a time for example when they were at the skate park and one of the the lads fell off his scooter and they dealt with it really well and went and found help from adults at the local sports centre nearby and call the lads parents by my DS leadership.

He is always with friends either goes to a swim session or goes and plays football at the park.

it’s a pretty safe community, there are a couple of people I have asked himself to distance himself from as I don’t believe they are of the best influence.

My DD is 12 and goes out with her friends without me. I figured that she already gets the bus to school and pays for her travel. Anything that could happen to her while in town could also happen on the way to school. She doesn't go out alone outside of school (usually only with friends and with a purpose like skating or to the library) but she does ditch me while out running errands and will come back from a shop she wanted to go in or with a Starbucks. As long as they aren't getting into trouble and could cope in an emergency I see no harm.

Your question isn't clear enough.

Why can't this 12 year old boy be at one of his parents' homes? Why would he have to stay out for hours?

But, in response to the basic question, I don't think it's reasonable for a 12 year old boy to be out for hours unless it's voluntary because of a planned activity. Hanging around in a shopping centre or whatever, - not good.

Neither of us live in the town where he went to school and his friends are. He is of the age where he wants to go into town to be social.
he has recently moved secondary school so wants to spend time with his old friends after school for a hour or at the weekend.

there aren’t any shopping centres, just high street, they may go there to buy a snack but they mostly play football, he goes to a friends house, the park or go for a swim.

I have a tracker on him so I always know where he is.

I think this is fine. I know the sort of town you mean. How is he getting there and back?

I don't think you should rely on answers from random people on here to say if it's OK really but My own view is the longer you can keep them closer to home and give small amounts of independence only the better. You can't rewind and reduce independence away from home very easily as they get older if there is an issue but you can extend it throughout their teenage years if all is going well. I think it's fine from time to time if you are in town too shopping or if you collect from town afterwards . I think 12 is a bit young to do this all the time.

No I don't think that's a good idea. As sensible as your child may be, a group of 12 year old boys in a town are going to be silly and probably egg eachother on to do things they shouldn't.

It's fine OP, even without a tracker! When did we get so overprotective of our children?

How far away is this town from where you and DH will be?

He is always dropped off by me / my partner / other family members and collected unless his dad gets him to get the public bus to his house about 10 miles away.

Yes, that sounds lovely. I thought you meant waiting around in a town centre.