To be pissed off to find out in this way?

[malificent7]

My dad and his dp have been together for 10 years...got together 5 months after mum died.
I went round for a cuppa and saw a valentines card on the side that said " to my fiance."
Turns out they gave been engaged for 6 months plus but the wirse thing is that dd knew ( she guessed). I am not cross with dd but pissed off with them.
Apparently they would be worried I would be angry.
My sister didn't know either.
I do like his dp and I am happy for him but I do feel like sis and I have been abandoned for his new family somewhat.

"Worse"

How has he abandoned you? I think we need the back story really

Not abandoned as such...just didnt really support us after mum died but got straight together with new lady and found happiness with his bew family whilt dsis and I were left reeling.
She is a nice lady but none of them spoke to us about our mum.

It's hardly her place to talk to you about your Mum?

That was 10 years ago though so I can sort of see why they worried about telling you us out the engagement. Grief is difficult and people make mistakes managing it. But 10 years on he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong getting engaged.

I know and I'm happy for him on some level but I am annoyed that he has never had the balls to say things straight.
It took him ages to admit to my sister that he was seeing someone after mum diedand not once did he check to see if dsis and ok were ok about mum.
He merrily waltzed off and expected us all to be delighted for him.
He needs to man up...and to find out from a greetings card is a bit rough.

I can understand how hard it must have been to see him move on so quickly but I think you need to be the bereaved parent to understand why he felt so lonely. I've always said I wouldn't want my partner to be alone and not to find love again if I died, and yeah 5 months does sound a bit soon but everyone deals with it differently. You're not going to get the understanding you need here so probably best to try and find a way forward towards acceptance. You don't stop loving someone because they died and your mum is probably still very much on his mind but moving on quickly is sometimes easier.

He was shit to our mum ( financial abuse...) but splurhes loads on new wife which is hard to see.

Why not just walk away then?

Splurges*
I dont walk coz he is a great granddad to dd.

Your dad sounds weak. A lot of men are when the alternative is being alone.

You deserved to be told and not to find out from a card. Have you all spoken about it now?

OP this is really tough and just horrid that you found out via a card. I'm so sorry about your lovely mum, it's so unbelievably weak of your father not to have told you to your face.

I can't imagine the grief you felt and to not feel supported by your own dad. Your feelings are entirely valid, I don't really have any advice as such but wanted to acknowledge it must feel hard and hurtful and I'm sorry.

No...I told my sister and she is very upset. Apparently he has been very distant from her for about 6 months.
He will loose her if he's not careful.
I just hope he hasn't asked dd to keep the secret for him.

Would you have been happy with the news if they had told you?

Doesn’t sound like it, tbh.

After ten years, it’s seems absolutely acceptable for them to be engaged.

I would have been happy from a romantic pov...from an inheritance point of view not so much.I know i'll get flamed as it's his money but we live in a hard world and I want dd to be provided for. My mum helped build his wealth and I expect shed want us to benefit.

The point is though dd has known for 6 months but not told me...was she told to keep a secret?
When I asked why they hadn't told us they came up with the excuse that they were too busy going on holiday and drinking coffee as a sort of joke. Weird.

If you want your children to be provided for, you need to provide. And they also need to provide for themselves. Inheritance is not a right.
You seem to be completely conflicted in your thinking. You clearly would not have welcomed the news in person so I can see why they may not have felt able to say it to you. And I sincerely hope the message you saw wasn't on the inside of the card...
You've been carrying this resentment for 10 years, I think it may be a good time to think about counselling.

I’m guessing your dd was told to keep quiet @malificent7 - that’d be my guess anyway.

Pretty hurtful for you. You’ve two things to get your head round. The fact that he’s moved on so easily after your mum died and also the past treatment of her. This I think you need to get off your chest and let him know you know she was financially abused. I think him getting engaged without telling you is a bit of a red herring. Had he treated your mum better and consequently you and your sister with more care when your mum died, this wouldn’t be as much of a problem to you.

Hes a bit of a coward I think. How would he take a heart-to-heart about this? Is he able to discuss or would he deflect it all?

Im having a discussion. Heart to heart. I think he would find ot uncomfortable but ho hum.
My sister genuinely feels so sad. He has not bothered with her recently and didnt call her on her birthday but she did get a card and gift.
I think my sister has taken it harder than me. Dad used to keep all mum's cards so it can be hard to see him treat his new wife to lots of gifts when as kids we weren't allowed a lunch out.

Hmm. It would be pretty hard not to make pointed comments with both of them there. ‘He’s a completely different man- he never let our mum have any bank cards, she couldn’t take us out for lunch or a coffee as he never let her have any money.’