Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I still date other people?

38 replies

Goanthen · 24/04/2024 14:52

I’ve been on 4 dates with him. We speak/message often and yes, we have slept together.
my question is, can I still date other people?
I don’t want to ask him as I think it’s too soon and I’m not in any rush to make anything ‘official’.
if I did decide to go on this other date, do I tell him? It’s been a while since I’ve been on the dating scene, so I’m not sure what the rules are?!

OP posts:
BeardieWeirdie · 24/04/2024 14:54

Would you like it if he did? Modern dating is grim.

Dozycuntlaters · 24/04/2024 14:54

People all have their own rules when it comes to dating but honestly, once you start sleeping with him then of course its not too soon to set some boundaries or ask what they are thinking. I wouldnt be seeing anyone else if I start sleeping with someone and I wouldnt want them doing that either. But its a discussion you need to have and then you can decide what you want based on his views on it.

thanKyouaIMee · 24/04/2024 14:55

I think if you're sleeping together then there should be honesty if either of you are dating other people, definitely if there's going to be potential sex with other people too (especially if there's any unprotected stuff going on!).

Tbh after four dates I'd assume I'd know if I wanted to see them more and exclusively or not, which may be where their head is at too, I'd expect someone to be upfront if they were dating multiple people. Who has the energy for that too 😂

IncompleteSenten · 24/04/2024 14:56

I would say yes. You have been on 4 dates. That's not imo a relationship.
I'd be upfront though because different people have different expectations. So tell him you are dating.

WhiteLeopard · 24/04/2024 14:57

It's ok to date other people as long as you're open about it and you don't mind if he does the same.

ZenNudist · 24/04/2024 14:57

If someone told me they were going to sleep with other people I wouldn't bother with them any more.

Seems to me you can't be that keen on them so I'd call time and go off on thus next date.

Original poster
Goanthen · 24/04/2024 15:00

I hate having conversations like that. It’s so awkward! The other date is only coffee. I’ve met up with him a few times before I started dating this guy. Never even kissed the other one.
I don’t know if I even want a relationship yet(or ever). I’m mid 40s, have kids(one quite young) and don’t know if there’s space in my life(or if I have the energy!) to add a man into it. My ex has also done to damage to my confidence in men, too.
he’s such a nice bloke. We get on well, have a good time etc. maybe I’m doing a bit of self-sabotage by dating someone else. I’m a complex thing at times!

OP posts:
MaltipooMama · 24/04/2024 15:08

I don't think there necessarily are rules to this sort of thing, I think you just go with how you feel, when my partner and I met on a dating site three years ago neither of us wanted to message/date/talk to anyone else from that point because we had an immediate connection and it felt right! If it was me personally I would just out of courtesy tell the guy that I'm still dating other people just in case he thinks neither of you are dating anyone else, how do you feel about him? Do you feel that this could be something long standing or too early to tell? It's all very complicated as I get you don't want to be too intense but equally don't want to hide it. What are the dynamics? If you're still quite formal maybe just a "look I know it's only been four dates so I don't want to be intense but as we're still getting to know each other just wanted to check we're on the same wavelength with dating other people" etc. Or if you're more jokey/casual what about "so, been on any other good dates lately? Obviously mine are the best but what about any others?" to open the conversation up!

Haydenn · 24/04/2024 15:13

After 4 dates - would you be upset if he was dating other people? If it wouldn’t bother you I’d move on anyway.

notthatperson · 24/04/2024 15:14

I'd say not if you're having sex.

C1N1C · 24/04/2024 15:18

So you like him but don't want anything serious. You probably don't want to lose him, but want to sleep with others...?

That sounds like a cake and eat it situation.

Difficult to tell whether you don't like him enough, want an open relationship, or just want flings.

If you just want casual hookups, there are plenty of men for that.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2024 15:41

I don’t know if I even want a relationship yet(or ever).

Does the guy you're shagging know this? You're on the verge of messing people about.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/04/2024 15:41

I don’t know if I even want a relationship yet(or ever).

Does the guy you're shagging know this? You're on the verge of messing people about.

Hillarious · 24/04/2024 15:44

I'd have to ask my daughter, because dating today seems so complicated and beyond my comprehension.

Crunchymum · 24/04/2024 15:45

So you are comfortable enough to have sex with him but cannot ask a simple question?

podcastrunner · 24/04/2024 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SamW98 · 24/04/2024 16:14

Crunchymum · 24/04/2024 15:45

So you are comfortable enough to have sex with him but cannot ask a simple question?

I’ll never understand this in a million years. No problem getting naked with him but can’t have an honest chat about expectations.

TurkeyonJoeysHead · 24/04/2024 16:16

It's only a coffee. I'd go. I have multi dated in the past and it's seemingly the way things are now. I didn't sleep with all of them, but I did have a few fun drinks and dinners. Lots of people younger than me say if you've not had the 'exclusivity' chat then it's fair game to see others until you've agreed a relationship status.

LordPercyPercy · 24/04/2024 16:17

Oh for the simpler times in the 90s when you hooked up pissed and that was it, you were going out.

Dating multiple people and having "exclusive" talks was something that they did in New York.

FriendsDrinkBook · 24/04/2024 16:20

I agree with @SamW98 and @Crunchymum

Just tell him that you're not exclusive. It's only fair that he knows.

Greywitch2 · 24/04/2024 16:26

I think you need to be open and honest. It isn't good enough to say, 'I don't want to have the conversation because I think it's too soon'. You owe people a modicum of respect.

For me, if I'd seen a bloke 4 times and had sex with him I'd be really pissed off if I discovered he was arranging to meet up with other women, even if just for coffee. It suggests he's looking around and hoping for a better option, and I'd find that pretty insulting.

I also feel that if you can't be upfront about the fact that you're seeing other blokes it suggests you think he'll decide to not bother seeing you again. I think seeing more than one person at a time only works if everybody is aware of the facts and is ok about it.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/04/2024 16:27

Make sure he knows you aren’t exclusive and ensure you are ok with the knowledge you might be one of two or more that he has sex with in any 24 hour period.

TedMullins · 24/04/2024 16:29

It’s fine to multiple date - I don’t think anyone should assume exclusivity without talking about it. But by the same token you need to talk about non-exclusivity. So be up front with him that you don’t want a relationship. If you can’t have those kinds of conversations - regardless of what you want from dating - then you shouldn’t be dating. Honesty is the most important thing.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 24/04/2024 16:36

can't say for me, but my sister has multiple dates a week - i don't think she tells the others about them, but the guys she sees are also having multiple dates.

TheSnowyOwl · 24/04/2024 16:50

tennesseewhiskey1 · 24/04/2024 16:36

can't say for me, but my sister has multiple dates a week - i don't think she tells the others about them, but the guys she sees are also having multiple dates.

Surely she only knows what the guys are doing because they tell her so she is in agreement with it.

I’m assuming they aren’t the same multiple men each week and she’s having sex with them all though? Not that she can’t so that if she wants, it’s just that I think if someone is only dating one or two people and has several dates including sex that it can be more of a question mark over whether it’s leading somewhere.