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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irked

14 replies

Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 21:22

DH and I have been together 20years, married 10 and have 2 kids in primary school.

We met at uni, in our final year.

I'm independently wealthy and have been since before we met. DH was not. After uni I got a job and worked on my career. DH and I were on and off for a year or 2 then moved in together before buying a house together then getting married and DH retrained back at uni. I worked full time throughout this point.

When I had DC1 I was desperate to go back to work and I did full time. I work in the NHS. After DC2 I wanted to go part time but wouldn't accommodate it. I reluctantly went back full time but quite soon after.

Since then DH has done nothing but complain about how I don't work and he "has" to.

I wouldn't mind, but he doesn't have to and he knows this. He could work part time, set up his own business or simply just not work. I don't care. I love him, he has full access to our money (or does in theory, in reality I don't think he even knows how to access his own bank account).

I just keep getting comments like "it's ok for you, you can just swan around" or "well some of us have to go to work".

He earns good money and actually really enjoys his job. I don't think he actually wants to not work, but just hates I don't work at all. I'd probably still be working if they'd let me go part time - but now I've not worked for a while I can't imagine going back 🫣.

What should I do?

OP posts:
boombang · 23/04/2024 21:27

why doesn't he go part time, and you look for another part time job?

Original poster
Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 21:29

His work wouldn't let him go part time and he'd struggle to find a job at his level and in his sector that would. It's the level of his job that he enjoys due to the freedom of creativity it gives him.

I don't particularly want to work and don't see why I should.

OP posts:
RomeoRivers · 23/04/2024 21:29

Nothing. You not working doesn’t impact him in any way. Tell him the comments have to stop. Presumably you are looking after your DC, so you’re not ‘swanning around’ doing nothing. I would also point out that he has benefitted from your financial situation over the years, so why does he now begrudge you when it’s your turn?

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 21:33

No, yanbu.
Just start ignoring it/tuning it out.

He knows his options. He wont do anything about it. So you shouldn't either.

Original poster
Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 21:33

RomeoRivers · 23/04/2024 21:29

Nothing. You not working doesn’t impact him in any way. Tell him the comments have to stop. Presumably you are looking after your DC, so you’re not ‘swanning around’ doing nothing. I would also point out that he has benefitted from your financial situation over the years, so why does he now begrudge you when it’s your turn?

The kids are in school.

During holidays it's a mix of time with me, holiday clubs and grandparents ( at grandparents request).

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 21:37

The kids are in school.

Doesn't matter, you can afford to make the choice to give up work and you have. He has the same choice. Leave him to it.

Original poster
Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 21:41

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 21:37

The kids are in school.

Doesn't matter, you can afford to make the choice to give up work and you have. He has the same choice. Leave him to it.

Thanks. I was starting to think I was a bit crazy 🤣

OP posts:
Princessfluffy · 23/04/2024 21:41

What does he want to happen, does he want you to get a job and if so how would this benefit him?

Original poster
Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 21:46

Princessfluffy · 23/04/2024 21:41

What does he want to happen, does he want you to get a job and if so how would this benefit him?

I kind of think so.

I'm not sure how it would benefit him, other than to know I had less free time than I do now. I think that's the crux of it. He sees I have lots of free time and he doesn't. But the reality is, if he quit his job, his free time would largely be spent doing what he is doing now but with nowhere to show case it!

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 22:08

Then he is just being resentful towards you, this is a dangerous red flag in a relationship

He might have always resented how financially comfortable you are.

But again, he has the choice to benefit from that by not working himself.

He is really just moaning at you to try to control you into doing what he wants, to make him feel better, like it's more fair. What a child.

Original poster
Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 22:37

Yes, I think you're right. He's never been like this before, but then again, I've always worked. One thing he says he hates my lack of ambition but my ambition is one of the reasons I have my money (it's not inherited wealth). I kind of feel like I've done my time and now I'm semi retired 😆

OP posts:
5128gap · 23/04/2024 22:48

I'd imagine the wealth disparity doesn't sit well with him (pride? Ideas of male provider?) and while you both worked, he could turn a blind eye to it. The fact you can and have given up your job means he can't ignore the fact that your lifestyle can be achieved by your pre existing wealth and not through his efforts and hard work (which people seem to have a need to believe) He neither wants to work while you 'swan' nor does he want to swan himself at your expense. He's going to have to work this one through, because nothing comes without a price, and he's got a very good deal there.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/04/2024 00:27

I just wanted to say congratulations to you on making yourself independently wealthy. He sounds like a bit of a knob to be honest. He's doing what he wants to do and you're doing what you want to do. What is his problem?

RomeoRivers · 24/04/2024 08:54

Firstworldproblemo · 23/04/2024 22:37

Yes, I think you're right. He's never been like this before, but then again, I've always worked. One thing he says he hates my lack of ambition but my ambition is one of the reasons I have my money (it's not inherited wealth). I kind of feel like I've done my time and now I'm semi retired 😆

Lack of ambition? What an arse, this seems like a really manipulative thing to say given that it was ambition that got you to where you are now.

I’m not suggesting you leave him, but I wouldn’t have stayed with someone who showed so much resentment towards me.

Enjoy your money however you want, you earned it! Perhaps even take a little holiday so he doesn’t have to watch you ‘swan’ 😂

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