To leave partner over sex

[Alberta56]

Hi

I'm in a very happy but strange relationship. We are in a ss relationship and my girlfriend who is muslim recently told me she feels like it is wrong to have sex( it is not good to be gay in their religion) She never mentioned it before and we are overall very happy apart from this. I don't have any religion myself but have no issues with her. Im not really that sexual but I do enjoy being with someone like once a week or twice. I feel really bad and not sure I want to be with her anymore. We are super happy and compatible but long term this is a big issue for me . I'm only 36 so i can't just not have any intimacy .....I am also not a person who will have an open relationship and just meet people for sex

If it isn't right for you then it never will be. Only you can decide what you are and aren't willing to put into or take from a relationship.

Of course you're not unreasonable but have you suggested to her that some counselling to unpack her religious trauma over being a lesbian who has internalised homophobia might be helpful? Does she seem conflicted in any way? Might she be using it as a shield for asexuality or loss of attraction to you?

She is attracted to me(she says) . At first I thought as she is slightly older it may be just a normal change women go in their mid 40s but it is something else . Religion is important to her but im.not her first girlfriend at all and I'm just annoyed this happened because everything else is perfect. Some counseling may be good true

It is hugely unfair to expect you to spend the rest of your life celibate. Do you really want this for the next 50 years of your life? If she was prepared to explore counselling to understand her feelings I might be prepared to stand by her, but otherwise it is unkind to make this decision for you and expect you to just accept it.

I'm only 36 so i can't just not have any intimacy .....I am also not a person who will have an open relationship and just meet people for sex

Well there you go. Move on

How long have you been together?

TBH I’d be afraid she’s been influenced in some way. Not radicalised in the most terrifying way, but been subjected to evangelist influences which have made her rethink her ideals.

When my DP was younger he went out with a girl who became a born again Christian, and as soon as she did she decided that their relationship needed to be sexless because sex (which she had hither-to enjoyed) was a sin before marriage.

If you’re not religious and she’s that devoutly religious I would be concerned about the compatibility of your relationship anyway. She’s told you that she no longer wants to have sex. That being gay is wrong. How much further is that going to go?

This relationship has no future and I would walk away.

I couldn't be with someone who thinks out relationship is fundamentally wrong tbh.

As with all of these sexless posts, you just need to answer the one question:

Is sexless with her better than a relationship with sex but without her?

Sorry but she feels it's wrong to have sex because of her religion, yet it's also wrong to be gay in her religion too? But she's chosen to be gay?...doesnt make sense...

She needs to decide what she wants.. To be gay or Muslim..

Sorry OP

I don't think that you can choose to be gay. U either are or you're not

I disagree with this a little. I was in one of these relationships and stayed far too long because I thought like this. Is this sexless relationship better than being without him? And on a day to day the answer was yes, so I stayed for 5 years thinking like that. It was only when he proposed and I had this moment of realisation that he was basically asking me to commit to being celibate forever that I was prompted to leave.

OP, she’s basically asking you to be a nun. Are you happy never having sex or intimacy again? The day to day is fine and manageable, but do you really want this to be your forever?

She didn't "choose" to be gay 🙄 you can be gay and Muslim

Apologies I should not have said chosen. My point is she's already going against her religion as it does not allow SS relationship so why would she feel having sex is then wrong.

How? The religion forbids SS.. It's classed as a major sin. You can't follow one part and ignore rest... 🙄

No you can’t.

and while I can’t speak for the poster, I suspect she didn’t actually mean that she’s choosing to be gay, but that she’s choosing to remain in a relationship with the OP. I bet she’ll deny that in her religious circles though.

I think you should explore this with her, through talking to her, a little bit more. It's very hard to come from a religion and culture where same-sex relationships are seen as wrong and bad, and that sex outside of marriage is seen as wrong and bad. She may well be risking relationships with her own family and community if this came out. It's not an easy situation but it doesn't mean she doesn't care for you. She obviously has loving feelings for you but has some guilt due to her background. If you like her, talk to her and try to understand, don't just throw her in the bin. Try to have some understanding of her issues as you sound quite focused on yourself.

Also be aware that situations can change. You want easy intimacy as part of your relationship. But you are unlikely to get that, with anyone, if you're not willing to get to know them, and understand them, as a person as well. By being more understanding towards her and trying to understand her guilt feelings around sex, you are more likely to get the intimacy you are seeking.

I feel quite strongly this is incorrect. You can love God/Allah and want to be a good Muslim. But it is so hard to repress who you are, for example if you are a lesbian. Following your deepest needs and desires for a partner and having a same sex relationship does not mean you then throw your whole religion in the bin. You still try to be the best you can and follow your religion as best you can.

Added to this (and anyone more knowledgeable please correct me if I'm wrong) Islam does not acknowledge that same sex relationships between women exist. There are no teachings on whether it's right or wrong because it doesn't happen. Although of course marriage can only be between man and woman. This I would imagine adds another difficult layer of guilt and confusion.

In most monotheist religions, it is the actual sex, not the relationship, that is the sin.

For example, the official line on homosexual vicars in the Anglican church is that a priest can be in love with someone of the same sex, live together, have a civil marriage and be very open about all those things, provided their marriage remains a celibate one. (The Rev Richard Coles was a good example of that. He was married (to another vicar, in fact) for most of his time as a priest.) The official position of the Anglican church is that sex between two men (and I assume two women?) is a sin, not love and affection.

So it's perfectly possible that the OP's girlfriend feels that falling in love and having a committed relationship with another woman is acceptable under the teachings of Islam, but that actual sexual activity itself is not.

'chosen to be gay' ? WTF!

My cousin is a practising very religious Catholic and she is gay. She has 'chosen' not to be sexually active because she feels it would go against her faith (sadly). She is totally accepted as gay in her Church and community, as long as she remains celibate. I am sure she would continue to be accepted if she did have a partner, and feel sad she is denying herself- but it is her choice. Being gay is NOT.

My parents knew 2 people, Catholics, who killed themselves because they were gay.

Many gay Muslims currently get married and have children, to hide their homosexuality. One of my men gay friends recently married a younger man in the USA. His family in Tunisia have no knowledge of this. He went to visit them last year, and they have no idea he is gay and married to another man.