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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappeared all evening?

20 replies

Wehadahellofatime · 22/04/2024 22:23

BF said he was going to do a food shop 3 hours ago (10 minutes drive away). I started to get worried as to where he was so I called about 20 minutes ago and he said he was just at the shops, when I asked where he had been he said he decided to go for a drive for 2.5 hours. I thought this is a bit odd? I had no idea where he was and was genuinely a bit worried. AIBU to be a bit miffed or should I let it go?

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 22/04/2024 22:25

Do you believe he went for a drive? Might seem odd to you but if you feel he's telling the truth I'd let it go. I'd ask him if he's ok when he gets in as it is a bit random and you were worried.

Original poster
Wehadahellofatime · 23/04/2024 08:13

I'm not sure, I guess he could have. I went to bed by the time he got home so didn't have a chance to ask. Just feels a bit off not to mention beforehand.

OP posts:
Didimum · 23/04/2024 08:14

He’s lying.

Notimeforaname · 23/04/2024 08:15

It's a lie.

KrisAkabusi · 23/04/2024 08:22

He’s lying

It's a lie

Or alternatively, you realise that people from the internet who have never met him don't actually have a clue what really happened. Try having a conversation with him about it. Maybe he's worried about something and he needed to clear his head. Maybe it's something he does regularly but the timing meant you haven't noticed before. Or maybe the "All men ary lying bastards and he's having an affair" brigade are right. But you'll never find out here.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 23/04/2024 08:24

Of course he is lying he went to meet someone.

GagaBinks · 23/04/2024 08:39

I'd speak to him face to face to decide for certain, but I'd strongly suspect it's a lie (and a shit one at that)

Idratherbepaddleboarding · 23/04/2024 09:28

Have you seen the price of petrol?? There’s no way he just drove around for 2.5 hours!

Haydenn · 23/04/2024 09:32

Sometimes living with people can be intense and you can feel like you just need a little space. I’m lucky I have the excuse of being able to take my dog for a walk, but it might be he just wanted to have a little alone time and your house doesn’t have the room?

Im usually the most suspicious person on mumsnet- but I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions on this one. Particularly if he might be a bit of an introvert?

BobbyBiscuits · 23/04/2024 09:36

Does he go on long drives at random often? I'd say 2.5 hours diversion when you're on your way to do the weekly food shop is a bit weird.
Does he have history of affairs, or addiction?
I'd ask him if he's ok, and you were worried about him. If he wants to go out elsewhere then he should tell you as you were waiting for the shopping!

ByUmberViewer · 23/04/2024 09:46

Start checking the mileage on his car.

Original poster
Wehadahellofatime · 23/04/2024 09:48

Have never suspected him of cheating actually but we have been having a bit of a rough patch and did have a silly argument earlier in the day so maybe he just wanted to get out for a bit. He does have his own space at home which is why I thought it was odd and I don't think he'd eaten all evening so just feels strange but when I think about it it's probably just wanting space from me more than anything else.

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 23/04/2024 09:49

I have occasionally just gone for a walk on the way home from work when I needed to be away from everyone else and just let the thoughts run through my head. I have a long train commute and, on both occasions, I have just walked through the city rather than get on the train. No destination, no reason that I could articulate... just a need to walk.

I wasn't having an affair. I wasn't meeting anyone. I just needed to be somewhere neutral.

I once heard Sandi Toksvig say that she sometimes gets up in the middle of the night to go for an aimless drive. I couldn't do that but maybe different people do different things.

paintingvenice · 23/04/2024 09:53

Sometimes it’s just nice to be able to get out and clear your head a bit. Some people have socially acceptable outlets- going to the gym, walking the dog, going for a bike ride. Their partners think nothing of it when they go out for an hour or three. If you don’t have lone hobbies it becomes a lot harder to find that “you” time that everyone needs occasionally.

Fairysteps11 · 23/04/2024 09:54

I'm very much a driver if I need space. I could be out hours. Sometimes in places with limited signal. I get a coffee, maybe some sweets and just drive and drive. It helps me to gather my thoughts and calm myself with lots of thinking, chatting to myself or just singing/shouting along to some loud music. My dp also does this, similar to me although he'll drive to a place and have a coffee and take pics of the views.

Just ask him, tell him you were worried. He may need time like this like I do, but you'll be able to guage his reaction.

BodenCardiganNot · 23/04/2024 09:56

@Idratherbepaddleboarding
Maybe he has plenty of money and the price of petrol is irrelevant to him.
Maybe he drove somewhere and then parked.

Original poster
Wehadahellofatime · 23/04/2024 09:56

Thanks both. I don't disagree as I'd go out for a walk or gym etc, it was more the not mentioning it at all I find weird. If he said he was going for a drive I probably wouldn't find it strange. It was the fact he didn't say anything and when I phoned acted like he was just at the shops and I had to ask where he had been for 2.5 hours as I was worried.

OP posts:
shepherdsangeldelight · 23/04/2024 09:58

Wehadahellofatime · 23/04/2024 09:48

Have never suspected him of cheating actually but we have been having a bit of a rough patch and did have a silly argument earlier in the day so maybe he just wanted to get out for a bit. He does have his own space at home which is why I thought it was odd and I don't think he'd eaten all evening so just feels strange but when I think about it it's probably just wanting space from me more than anything else.

Sounds perfectly reasonable -not unusual to go out for a couple of hours or so to get some space. He probably won't have literally driven round for 2.5 hours. He probably stopped and started. Or drove somewhere and stopped.

If your mind has immediately gone to wondering what he is up to, it doesn't sound as though your relationship is in a great place, though.

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 10:02

why with MN does it always have to be 'he's cheating'? how is his MH? has he been down recently? is he stressed?

perhaps he just needed some space and time to clear his head? he could very well have been parked up at a local beauty spot.. just taking some time out?

did he actually come back with the shopping? you say you went to bed before he got home, do you know what time he actually got home?

it sounds like to me, you admitted you have had a petty arguement, things have been rough recently and he just wanted some time and space to himself to think. i know you say he has his own space at home, but sometimes to really think you have to remove yourself totally...

have you spoken to him today? how is he

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/04/2024 10:05

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was meeting someone, but I would need a better explanation than "randomly went for a 2.5 hour drive when I said I was going to Tesco".

I would often (like, OFTEN) love to go for a 2.5 hour walk or drive by myself, just listening to music and not having my head melted by anyone else's thoughts. I suspect lots of people are the same, because I can't think of any other reason for the popularity of jogging, fishing, etc. But you need to tell people what the plan is, you can't just disappear.

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