To be frustrated when friend invites others (I don’t know) to our meet ups?

[Fluffywigg]

As the title says really. Ive got a friend who I rarely get to see (both have kids and other commitments such as work etc) and we seem to be like passing ships in the night.

We’ve not seen each other for about 9 months and I do miss her company. It seems if I agree to meet up she’ll then invite someone else along, almost like trying to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. It would be ok if I knew her friend but I don't so I have cancelled in the past when she’s done this.

I feel like she thinks I always cancel
so she doesn’t make as much effort anymore, but I cancel because I don’t have much time and I want to spend it with people that I chose. I don’t like it when she says ‘I’ve invited so and so is that ok?’ She’s made a couple of comments saying ‘I thought you might cancel’ and I wanted to say what do you expect, you keep inviting randoms and it’s not the same!

The other thing she does, is she’ll change our plan so I end up going with her to her hobby. Original plan will be to to go for lunch then it’ll turn in to her going rock climbing but I can go along as she can ‘still talk’.

I sometimes feel like it’s because I’m not that’s sociable but then I think well no, she shouldn’t be putting me in that situation.

Am i flogging a dead horse here?

I had a friend like this. My sister had recently died in her 30’s and my friend couldn’t handle it and didn’t want to talk about it, so she started to invite random people I didn’t know. Sometimes she’d be in the car with me and decide to make a long phone call! I called time on the friendship as it wasn’t for me. It felt like she was trying to cram me into a space she’d made and I had to fit into her parameters.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but unless you tell her why you keep cancelling, of course she's going to think you're just flakey.

You need to say 'can it be just us two I want to catch up'

Well I would think you were flakey if you kept cancelling.
You need to be clear that you want to see her without her inviting other people you don't know along and that is why you cancel.

I used to have this a lot. Usually friends bringing their boyfriends or husbands along. You
eitjer have to make clear you just want a catch up or Bri mg along a friend of yours and make it a group thing.

I wouldn't like this either, you do need to be clear about why you've been cancelling though. Could she now be inviting an extra person because she anticipates that you'll cancel, so she's sort of ensuring she still has plans/company if you do?

She thinks you are flakey because you have not been honest with her as to why you cancel. You need to be upfront next time you arrange to meet and say that you only want to meet up one to one and this is the reason you have cancelled before.

Thing is I expect it's now fallen into a circular thing. She invites someone else as she expects you to cancle. You cancel because she invites someone else. You need to speak to her.

This

How on earth is she to know that you're not happy, unless you tell her?

Simply cancelling , makes you look flaky

does she think you are flaky because you cancel, so is inviting someone else along so she doesn’t lose her outing?

i have a mate who cancels a lot and it is so frustrating if you have allocated precious time off to see her and then you are left in the lurch. I think you need to be honest about why you have cancelled in the past- so she realises you aren’t flaky.

I wonder if you are both coming at this from different sides and it’s become a downward spiral. You don’t want to waste your time with a stranger, she doesn’t want to waste her time with someone who is likely to cancel

Really weird and a bit petulant of you to keep cancelling on her without telling her why. Of course she's inviting other people along, because she thinks you'll cancel.

(And yes while it's nice to catch up with old friends one-on-one, is the idea of meeting someone new really so terrifying/appalling/unthinkable that you can't even countenance it?)

Or

"You don't need to make anything up to me. I'm sorry you can't make the wedding but I understand. Let me know when you have a day / weekend free to travel up to HERE for a change"

He might not want to treat you to dinner AND travel so leave the treat but and he might actually come to you

Sorry wrong thread!

I would find that really annoying too - especially asking if it was ok AFTER she had already done it.

What do you say when she asks you if it is ok? To you say no then and cancel or do you say it is ok and then make up some other reason to cancel? If it is the latter then I think you're going to have to speak up as she may think you are fine with it and need boundaries spelling out a bit more clearly.

Bit of a vicious circle in some ways - you're cancelling because she's inviting other people, then she invites other people because she thinks you might cancel.
I think the best thing for you is to be upfront with her and ask if your meet-up can be just the two of you.

If she's a good enough friend, then you can be honest with her. If not, or she doesn't get it, then let her go!

She sounds like she can't be arsed & is squeezing you in with other things/people but you've let it happen without saying anything & have form for cancelling so that will be why she keeps doing it.

I think it is time to clear up the misunderstanding that is playing out. “The reason I cancel is because you keep inviting people I don’t know to our arranged meet ups and I’m not comfortable with that”. It does sound like she has limited time and is trying to fit everyone in but not considering others comfort in that.

Just be open and honest with her.

I swear around 98% of people's problems on MN could be solved with this approach.

I agree. Your request to have quality time alone with just her is completely reasonable. So be honest