Inner child argument with mum!

[Innerchildfrustration]

I’ve name changed cos I know I’ve been a dick.

a few things have happened recently between me and DH we’re not in the best place but yesterday we agreed to some marriage counselling.

Ive not told my Mum this but she knows it’s not been the easiest between us.

Mum still works although for herself and generally has a lot of flex. She lives near my sister and helps her lots (inner child jealousy on my part creeping in) anyway my DSs have an important weekend for their hobby and Mum said she’d come on Thursday as DH is away and we could have some time together before the weekend got hectic with DSs hobby. She is coming to watch GSs on Saturday and Sunday I am helping at hobby while DSs are there. There was also the opportunity for mum to spend time with the kids on Thurs and Fri after school.

Anyway my Sister has said she has an important event on Friday. Mum has now changed her plans she didn’t call me btw I called her as I needed to plan food etc for the week ahead/weekend today. I just got cross I said look we are also her family we live at a distance we’ve not seen mum since Feb. There is more where sister has always been prioritised. mum is looking after her kids/picking them up from school (which mum does anyway to be fair).

I said to mum she doesn’t have to say yes to Sis all the time to look after her kids. I‘m not asking mum to look after my kids, i’m just seeking some time with mum that’s all.

I felt like my jealous little inner child came out and I didn’t get my point across. Mum and Sis lives are very emeshed. Mum co-parents sis kids. Sis can’t do stuff without mum, I’d say they’re co-dependant. I feel like an idiot as mum just went quiet when I said she doesn’t have to say Yes when she’s made plans, that we are family too!

Sis is married.

Your sister has an important event (obviously you haven't said what that is) perhaps you should have stressed to your mum how important your night with DH was and that your marriage is on the rocks. How is she supposed to know what's important.

No it wasn’t a night with DH it was for mum to come here and spend time with me and the kids. Before the weekend. DH is away. We just never get any time together with mum. So I was looking forward to it.

I guess I was hoping to use the time with DH not here to talk to her as well.

The event is a last min wedding invite

We’ve had this booked in for a year. It’s a two yearly event for the hobby and we know a year in advance. Mum always said she’d come a couple of days earlier

I can see why you are upset

She should definitely be sticking to the plans with you, very rude and hurtful to change them after so long. What did you mum say when you told her you were upset? Hopefully it's given her food for thought

I would find this so difficult. I’m the elder sibling, I like away and my sis lives close to parents. I struggle a lot with the amount of running around after her and her kids they do and how we see them comparatively rarely. It is totally inner child, and in my case it stems from being very independent from a young age and having far less support on literally everything than my younger sister who is fundamentally inept at most things.

@Duckinglunacy this is me!! I moved away to uni and never came ‘home’. Younger sis went to uni in our neighbouring city and then moved back home in her industry year and then kind of never moved back to live out until she married etc.

Her DH loves it! Mum is a fantastic cook, she’s amazing with my nieces and nephew. I love it when mum comes here as actually she doesn’t have a lot to do, we chill. Go to the shops. Do stuff with my kids.

Mum was just like ‘ok ok’ I said I’m not keeping it in, I said you do have a family here too and we haven’t seen you and you said you’d come early. I just feel full on like a baby strop and now doubting myself. It’s done now.

Well done for saying how you feel. She couldn't know until you said. You never know, it might change something in the future. (It also might not, and you'll end up with more detailed excuses, but as least you've been honest. )

@Innerchildfrustration honestly I would have lost my shit. And it would have been all of the disappointment of not having her visit rolled in with jealousy over how much day to day help my sis gets rolled into one big sobbing mess. My absolute Achilles heel.

@Innerchildfrustration honestly I would have lost my shit. And it would have been all of the disappointment of not having her visit rolled in with jealousy over how much day to day help my sis gets rolled into one big sobbing mess. My absolute Achilles heel.

At @Duckinglunacy I’m fed up of just being no one’s priority. In fact I do all the organising for things just to be changed and expected to go along with it like some walkover.

Aww yeah I feel this one too. Are you a type A personality and ridiculous overachiever by any chance?

@Duckinglunacy yaasss!! Ffs! lol

I'm the sibling with all the help in our family and I absolutely think it was right to call her out that's totally unfair to ditch your plans for her last minute ones. I'm also conscious that my mum spends so much time with my kids and less with my siblings and would never ask my mum to stay I think it's really unfair your sister did that too. Hope you get it sorted but I don't think you should doubt yourself at all.

Your sister and mum are unreasonable here OP.
I'm your sister equivalent and I can see how unfair they are being. Well done for speaking up.

Thanks. Yeah I feel a bit bad cos I don’t usually speak up. But also as I’m having issues with DH I can’t find a moment to talk to mum. I was hoping we’d have some time when kids at school. Oh well. I don’t think anything will change. But I guess for once i’ve made a point! Thanks for the support.

If she's anything like my mum nothing will change just now as for that to happen she'd have to admit she was wrong, and not for the first time. She'll tell herself you were just being silly and jealous and that it'll all blow over, and then she can carry on acting the same way. But maybe, if you don't let it blow over and reiterate that you are serious things may improve over time.

I'm jealous you managed to react the way you did. I spent 20 years letting my mum treat me badly compared to my older sister, thinking that she was too keen on fairness not to let it balance out over time. It didn't. The time I really needed her to stick up for me she didn't, as "sister might be upset." Seeing me sob three times in six days, and being told I was crying myself to sleep every night was neither here nor there. I considered confronting her a number of times but never did, and then dementia took hold. If she had any idea why our relationship had broken down before then she has not a clue now. Luckily, mutual friends know what happened so I'm not painted as much of the bad guy as I could be, but I really wish I'd tried to bridge the gap before it became an impossibility.

@AprilShowerslastforHours I think because I’ve just gone along with it/ or things in the past. I mean I’ve even fallen into the trap of being at Mum’s and then bending over backwards for my sister like she does! A whole load of co-dependancy going on there.

I’m annoyed with myself as I hate playing the victim. And I know mum is torn sometimes when it comes to my sister but they have a really emeshed unhealthy relationship. Where my sister hasn’t really moved on as an adult fully.

I can so relate to the going along with things and the bending over backwards. I think, for me, because I did that for so many years my mum could fool herself that I was happy with it, and the occassional times I tried objecting were just occassional instances, rather than long-term frustration pouring out.

For me, my mum was so scared of losing my sister (which was a constant threat, not suicide, just going nc) that she very much took our relationship for granted. But for me, every time she pandered to my sister at my expence our relationship was eroded, until it was too late. Significantly, even after the few days mentioned above, she never once apologised, as she couldn't bring herself to admit that how she had behaved was wrong.

Hello I’m not sure I can believe this but maybe saying how I felt for once did the trick. Mum has agreed to come Thursday or Friday AM. I feel so glad I said something I feel like it’s all a bit tarnished to be honest but also kind of happy to have been prioritised for once in my life!

aw, I'm happy for you. <3
I had a similar strop once and my mum realized it was important to me and came through. I think she probably sees you as always accommodating and self sufficient so was automatically filling in the "need" of your sis. Have a great time.

@brentwoods yes I think that’s the case and I’m so easy going usually! Or a walkover lol!

Good result.
Your response was reasonable and it sounds like your dm realised swbu!