Post surgery consideration

[Grassneedscutting22]

I had abdominal surgery on Saturday and feeling rather irritated with DP.

I was told around 8am Sunday that I’d be discharged around 10.30 same day, and that they’d confirm once I’d had my cannula out. Called DP to tell him to be on standby to collect me and I’d update once I’d had my cannula out.

He is step father to my DD aged 10 although I do the majority of things to look after her - get her ready, breakfast, all but one school drop off each week and all school pickups (due to his working hours).

10.30am DP calls to say that he and DD are in the car park. She eats really poorly the majority of the time and needs constant prompting to eat (ASD) and he hadn’t given her any breakfast which I thought was idiotic so suggested they get something and return.

Came home yesterday and he didn’t make any effort to unpack my case for me until I asked if he could possibly pass me my toothbrush in the evening. Today (which is his day off) I couldn’t find my compression stockings and he had thrown the bag in the bin - which he’d mistakenly thought was rubbish.

Then when DD rang the doorbell after walking home from school for the first time on her own he was upstairs making the bed and didn’t hear the door, so I had to struggle up for the door, make a snack for her etc.

I lost my shit with him for being an oblivious idiot, he says he hasn’t stopped doing stuff for me (just obvious things - like fetching meds / drinks) and I’m unreasonable - he had no idea I needed my case unpacking or could not have predicted DD would arrive home that time.

I think he needs to grow up and be more aware of things going on around him and stop being a dick.

AIBU?

I think you’re probably tired and sore and he’s feeling a bit stressed.
Unless I told my dh to unpack my bag then he wouldn’t think of it until it sat for a while so I wouldn’t just assume someone would unpack for you unless you ask them for the help.

It’s unfortunate he didn’t hear the door, could you have shouted for him?

I think he’s just trying to carry on as normal and should be doing more with your dd.

I think he’s oblivious but I think you might need to use your words here.

Hmm, sorry I think you're being a bit harsh on him. I think it also depends on the type of surgery. How long have you been together?

I don't think it would occur to most people to automatically unpack the hospital bag.

It sounds like the throwing the stockings away and not hearing your DD at the door was unintentional. Why didn't you call to him to get the door?

Yes, sounds like he is being a bit ineffectual but you are probably being more sensitive because you are still in the very early stages of recovery.
I have had multiple operations in the last 5 years and whilst my DH is very good at following instructions, he doesn't do much spontaneously and he is useless at predicting what I will find difficult and what I won't. So he tends to oscillate between fussing unnecessarily and missing important stuff. It does frustrate me, especially when I'm feeling lousy but he's improved a bit each time and I have realised I just have to be very clear about what I need.
It would be nice if you didn't have to ask, I get that, but stewing over it won't help your recovery so I think you need to let him know what you need in no uncertain terms.
Get well soon.

So on the one hand you're cross he didn't unpack your hospital bag but on the other hand when he tried to take the initiative and unpack things you're cross he got rid of your compression stockings. Sounds like he can't win. Cut him some slack and ask him nicely and specifically for what you would like him to do.

I think you're being a bit harsh on some of these points - for example, it's not his fault he was upstairs doing the bed and didn't hear the door.

Thanks for your replies. It was laparoscopic surgery and we have been together for 5 years.

We have now spoken and I have made clear to him what I would like for him to do - and not bother with.

Maybe I am tired and sore; I do struggle to see that it’s an unrealistic to both unpack a case and not throw away surgical stockings.

He was sorry about the case and stockings when I pointed it out.

What surgery have you had? Hope nothing major and you reviver quickly.
He was actually helping making the bed ( probably so you could have a lovely bed made for your rest and recovery). Think stockings were a mistake..unpacking bag? Most men leave personal things alone.. he's not a mind reader.
If you had general anaesthetic.. it can make you feel down and short tempered.. tired etc.
🌺

I think you're frustrated at having to rely on someone so are being a tad harsh