to think I shouldn’t be treated like this in a relationship?

[Variolia]

Because I’m feeling especially tired and worn down by it all today.

Yet another argument with P last night. He called me “pathetic” and “controlling” because I asked at 10:45 if DS17 was coming home before 11pm (his current car curfew due to having only had his car for a week after just passing his test).

He then proceeded to have a go at me about not cooking dinner on time and said I should offer the same flexibility towards boundaries set for the kids. For context - the DC asked me to cook a specific meal and said they’d be home for 5:30. At 5:45 they weren’t home so P said he’d text them and asked me how long dinner would be. I said “I have no idea how long it’ll take, maybe 30 mins?” And it took 50. In his head I said “it’ll be 20-30 mins” and I’m hugely unreasonable for “dragging them home” (I never asked them to come home and just assumed they’d be back in time).

When he called me pathetic I asked him to speak to me a bit more respectfully and not talk over me he just continued to shout me down about how I “always have to be the boss”. I told him belittling someone for asking a question was abusive and not okay - he just rolled his eyes and said “here we go”. He’s just impossible to talk to.

The irony is he spent the whole day trying to control me - I said I wanted to go out at X time, so he was around to look after young DC - he went out and then texted me to tell me he was going to the mall. So no trip out for me. Then sent me a message saying “order this” £400 kitchen equipment - he could have done this himself or at least asked if I wanted this joint purchase but no. He then barked at DD and told her she needed to sell some of her things in storage or he’d be taking them to the tip. Came home and said he was going for a nap - leaving me to do everything once again with no time for myself.

I am so fed up of it. He constantly blames me for everything and just won’t have a reasonable conversation. This stuff might seem trivial but it’s the latest in a long line and I’m just exhausted. And of course this morning he’s acting like nothing happened.

This relationship sounds like it's over tbh. What's stopping you leaving? Practical considerations? Or are you actually unsure whether things are OK or not? How old are your kids?

So why are you still there?

He won't change

I think it's time to get those ducks in a row....

What’s stopping me leaving… I am out of work at the moment (although have been applying and have a final interview for a job in likely to be offered in the next couple of weeks).

The fact we’d have to live together and it would be unbearable.

Fear of his reaction when I say it’s over.

And not knowing if I’m expecting too much.

He won’t change though, no.

No, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable
to expect to be treated with courtesy and respect in a relationship. Calling you things like pathetic is not respectful. Expecting your partner to contribute to the running of the household and parenting is not unreasonable. Nor is expecting to be consulted on the purchase of expensive household items. To suggest that you were being unreasonable and “dragging” your children home for dinner is just laughable. If he feels that - maybe he should take over responsibility for dinner, particularly if he says he has an issue with you apparently always having to be “the boss”. When I was a teen, dinner was served at a specific time, and if I didn’t get myself home in time, I heated it up or sorted myself out.

You're not expecting too much at all.

Do everything you can to get a job now. You'll spend less time with him and when you're mixing with other people you'll have a fresh eye on your relationship, too.

Always remember you have one life. If you stay with him you know what to expect. He's not a nice man and he won't treat you well. You have options, particularly when you get a job.

Best of luck with the interview

I fully understand and get you. I’m always told I’m controlling when actually it’s just the bare minimum of a relationship that I expect. My inbox is open if you want a mutual rant!

we also live together and split would mean continuing this with his two children.

i actually told him I was 95% certain we were done last night. He works full time 9-5 then works deliveries 5-12am. I don’t see him. I have taken the Saturday shifts every week and every other Friday so he can see his kids. The last 2 kid free weekends he has dropped me to see his mate. This mate works with him so he is seeing him every fucking day! I told him It’s clear he has no interest in me or spending time with me. Said he is spending the same amount of time with me as he does his kids but he doesn’t drop his kids for his friends because they’re important. I’m clearly not. He has started to speak as if he is single I.e I can do what I want when I want. Yes but when I’m a relationship not really the case. I feel like I am picked up and dropped as and when it suits. I’ve had enough. It looks like we’re done but living together for a few months with his kids still coming EOW.

this will be a tough couple months but I think I’m certain I’ll be happier without him.

I can really relate to this. He doesn’t treat me as a priority either - it really sucks.

I think the reality is he just doesn’t care about me that much - so why doesn’t he just leave?

This doesn't sound trivial, it sounds toxic. His behaviour must also be very wearing on you. Long-term I would be looking for a way out (as soon as possible).

There's nothing trivial about this, and you need to start making a plan to get rid of him. Your future will be much happier without him in it.

@Variolia he's abusive and the reason he doesn't leave is because he enjoys controlling you. He gets to hyper focus on all your so-called failings so he never has to deep look into his own shitty self.

Your children will learn from him and treat you like a mug as well.

Go get that new job and leave him. Start the rest of your life fresh and free.

Remember, he only has power over you because you give it to him.

Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and learn the grey rock technique. It will make you life bearable while you get your ducks in a row.

Yea it does. Things have been turbulent with us for a loooong time but when he is good he is amazing. He says he hates I compare but I always see blindingly obvious differences in how he treats me vs how he treats others.

he said he wanted out few weeks back and I always try to make peace. I finally didn’t. I said ok fine, he soonnback peddled and claimed we had something worth fighting for then made NO effort.

I told him the right thing to do would of been to say I’m really sorry, I don’t want to try, I don’t want to spend time with you and I think we should separate whilst this would of been hard to hear, it would of been easier than being led on with I want to try but I’ll treat you like nothing until you get fed up and end it because I’m too much of a coward!

im angry now. I’ve had all the tears all the upset now I’m just fucking raging that he has behaved this way and turned it on me (as he always does. Convinced he is a gas lighting narcissist) that I’m controlling and he doesn’t have to spend all his time with me. Would not see my point that fucking off out at 3pm and intending to return at 10pm so we had NO evening together before not seeing him all week and having his kids next weekend was simply not good enough. With him, he is always right and I’m always wrong and unreasonable.

I really really understand you. They wear us down and you think how have I allowed this when I’d never allow this before. I’m angry at me too.

maybe work on an exit plan
get job
get some savings
when saved enough
get a place
Bam - leave

We have a joint savings account, although it’s all money he put into it. Anyone know the legalities of taking half? I don’t want to end up being screwed over if he takes the lot

I don’t know the legalities of this. It would seem as joint it is half but if he can prove all transactions are his and he is willing to do so, could make it a bone of contention

Keep running records @Variolia

Being “fresh and free” sounds wonderful. I am sick of living with this constant pit of anxiety.

but I just can’t bring myself to push the nuclear button. Too scared of the fallout