For wondering how to deal with long term stress?

[Majentaplasticglasses]

As the title says really. I am so incredibly overwhelmed and stressed. I just have so much on my plate, all the time.

I have ADHD, and my therapist suspects um autistic. DD10 has ADHD, moderate learning difficulties, developmental language disorder, a heart defect and is on the ASD waiting list. She needs constant supervision and support with her daily needs. She's very full on. She's not badly behaved she's just a lot at times, and our needs clash because she's a sensory seeker, I'm a sensory avoider. I can tolerate touch, but not to the extent DD needs it. I'm here safe space and she just wants to be on and around me All. The. Time. DH intercepts her and entertains her if I need space, but I'll only get 10-30 minutes because then she gets anxious I'm not there and needs a cuddle.

DH has a physical disability and needs support with some aspects of his care (although this is generally short and easy). I have to provide a low level of care to him including rubbing his legs to restore circulation, cutting his toenails because he physically can't. Without going into too much detail he has nerve damage to his bowel and I sometimes have to support him with the consequences of that, even if it's just cleaning his clothes while he sorts himself out.

I'm also chronically ill at the moment. I get hemiplegic migraines that leave my hand and eye twitching, and can sometimes mimic a stroke by causing weakness down one side, or mimic a partial seizure (EEGs have shown no epilepsy). I also ended up in hospital a couple of weeks ago in intense pain, prolonged nausea and unexpected loss of appetite and weight loss. I had investigative procedures that showed I have a stomach deformity (Cascade stomach), that is uncommon enough that nobody knows how to treat it as there's very little information out there. I've been referred to Gastroenterology, to see if I'm a candidate for a type of gastric sleeve, as my deformity is quite severe, and a gastric sleeve would change the shape of my stomach, and mean that eating would stop causing pain and nausea. However the wait is 34 weeks. I'm also waiting for the results of biopsies as hospital suspect crohns disease as well, and I'm on another long waiting list for an Ehlers Danlos diagnosis from rheumatology, and a spinal MRI to check for scoliosis because during my hospital admission the registrar had concerns about how symptomatic my hypermobility is, and noticed that my chest wall is asymmetrical.

We're moving nearly 200 miles away on Saturday so I'm trying to desperately catch up on packing, after spending a good couple of weeks being unable to do anything due to being ill and in extreme pain. DH works full time so he was either WFH or balancing commuting with being home on time to pick DD up from school, and sort her out.

DDs anxieties, clinginess, repetitive questions, signs of dysregulation are naturally ramping up due to the anxiety created by moving away from a familiar place. There are strategies in place but as DDs primary carer, I'm spending half my time using the strategies and half the time just firefighting because DD is dysregulated. I know things will soon go back to their baseline, I'm just exhausted.

Then to add the icing on the cake DD got given a lower than usual rate of DLA after a stressful renewal where the DWP lost her forms initially and then rushed a decision through in 24 hours. So now I also have to sit on hold for god knows how long to request a statement of reasons so that I can request a mandatory reconsideration to try and get DD a DLA award that reflects her needs.

How can I stop feeling so overwhelmed and stressed all the time? I know I have a lot going on, and I've been searching online for stress management advice, but everything just talks about removing the stress from your life. but I can't get rid of the main sources of stress, because it happens to be my daughter. I just want to find healthy coping mechanisms.

I'm sorry for the length of this rant. It was like opening floodgates.

I understand OP. I have a huge load myself. I don't know what you do other than just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Deal with day to day. Get whatever help you can. I'm now at the point I've decided to call in someone to help me catch up with cleaning from time to time.

I do think it's important to take time out for yourself though. Read, watch something, sit outside in the sun, go for a walk. Whatever does it for you.

At the end of last year I simplified my life by shedding whatever demands I realistically could. It's not easy but you find a way with what is available to you.

Any chance of respite care for either of your carees?

You are moving, so you are currently in a high stress situation. It should decrease once you move

Don't forget to do Royal Mail post redirection

For poor circulation in legs has your DH tried wearing compression socks, or a vibration foot machine or foot bath ?

Goodluck

I know, but even without moving, my life is just really stressful because of everything else. I think last night was just a really bad night.

I'm going to do a royal mail redirection today - thank for for reminding me because I had forgotten!

In terms of DH, unfortunately neither of those things work, we've tried them before. Thank you for suggesting them though xx

I'm going to sort out a cleaner once we've moved I think.
Unfortunately I've shed every demand I can at the moment. In my current LA I'm not entitled to any support like respite. (With my consent), DDs school referrwd me to early help and to the child disability team. Both decided I didn't meet their threshold and told me to apply to the other. I'm going to enquire once we've moved though, because at the moment I feel as if everything is pretty unsustainable. Especially while I'm not well myself.

I genuinely think the stress is contributing massively to the chronic illnesses, and I do worry about my own health in the middle of all of this x

It’s good you recognise both that the general life burden you carry is unusually high, and also that you are in a specific crisis moment with the move.

Some things will ease with time after you move.

Make a particular point of building stress breaks in where you can- have classical music on headphones. Pause in the bathroom. Light a candle at meal times.
Structure in some moments of beauty/peace so they pop into the routine without much effort.

That said, those are sensory things that work for me and may overwhelm you! So it would be the opposite- white noise headphones. Dark rooms (eye mask breaks?). Sitting outside the back door on your own.

Your DD needs new ways to meet her needs as well-
you could work with her (important that it’s you as it’s you she needs for comfort) to make a chart of things to do when she needs a hug- hot chocolate, look at photos, special toy, hot pack to cuddle, ice lolly, cuddly jumper, ask dad for a hug etc.
We had a transition object DD could use when she needed me while she was at school- a jetting with a photo of us together on it.

Gentle hugs, that all sounds hard.

Do you have any quiet time in the day when your DD is at school? Or perhaps you work / home school? One strategy would be to do really replenishing things in this time (eg rather than just chores). For me that might be listening to music, meditating, gentle activity in nature. I also really like being totally alone (ie not around a WFH partner).

We're moving too so I'm sending you good vibes for that

I think that you need support for you daughter to develop some skills to manage a little
without you.
mid she goes to school then is able to detach from you for 6 hrs a day already. I would encourage after school club with a friend to start or something similar to get
some time to your self .
wishing you well

She's getting the support to learn those skills and it's all documented in her EHCP with clear cut goals.

She does detach from me while she's at school, and she does go to after school club once a week. But because she finds school very overwhelming as they can't meet her needs academically or socially. She struggles with friendships as she is so much "younger" than her peers, and effectively spends all day in an environment she can't cope in and where her peers don't "get" her, and she doesn't "get" them. She comes home and needs a lot of support to re-regulate, and she comes to me because I'm her safe space.

She will also stay with grandparents for a few nights, but once she's home she's very clingy because she's not had access to the "safety" of me. So, I do occasionally get breaks, but they're almost negated by the amount of reassurance DD needs afterwards.

There's also an element of anxiety at play. We don't know why but she has real fears about me leaving her. She will wake up some nights and come to my room, and peep round the door to check I'm okay.

We are working on all of this, and we do have professional support from her Neurodevelopment consultant, and from her current school. But it's a slow process. DD is emotionally much younger than her actual age and we have to approach giving her independence in a developmentally appropriate way, without causing undue anxiety.

It's a really fine balance, which in itself is stressful because I don't want to rush the process and make things worse.

The day that you move

Take photos of electric meter, water meters

Have a box of stuff that you will need urgently like mobile phone chargers, toilet roll, kettle for tea, coffee, box of important paperwork

Next days

Cancel house insurance, start new one

Send off driving licence (free) for change of address
Change address for doctor, hospital, school

Good luck

So am I right in thinking you have Monday - Friday 9-3:30 without her ?
if so then use some of that time to relax .

I'm definitely in some sort of crisis moment related to this being such a huge house move. I do try to have stress breaks, and I have a lot of strategies to help me manage this side of my ADHD. But none of my usual strategies are working, despite being reliable under normal circumstances. It's like I'm so stressed, I can't de-stress. I can't relax. I'm constantly on high alert.

I've had 3 ADHD meltdowns in the last two weeks, despite not having one for almost 2 years before this. I think the shift in routine and change in my environment as we pack has absolutely thrown me off course. I'm hoping that once we're settled in the new house I'll manage better.

Thank you for the strategies for DD. We are working with her, but it's a slow process as she's not particularly receptive to using other things for comfort when she's dysregulated. We're making gradual progress though, because she will sometimes seek comfort from a soft toy. I'm trying not to push her too hard because she struggles if she feels rejected and it makes everything worse.

I just keep repeating my new mantra. "Things can only get better from here".

Wow. You are coping with such a lot, and it’s lovely to hear you doing all the right things with your DD. You’re quite right, it’s not something that can be rushed.

Have you considered medication? I don’t know what you are able to take. When I have specific crisis moments the GP will give me a few relaxant type meds to help me stay in a functional place rather than seizing up with stress and distress.

Previously I have found a stiff drink has the same effect, but obviously only shortly before bed- of course only if you are safe around alcohol. I am able to take it or leave it, so a strong one to head off a migraine or bout of IBS is really useful.

Hang in there. As you say, it will get better.

I came here because I searched cascade stomach, having seen it in Mumsnet once before. How did you get on? For anyone else who may be interested, it is also known as cup and spill stomach.

... and I have it too.