Toxic Mother

[Doratheexplorer1]

AIBU to cut all contact from my toxic mother. She is a narcissist I think. With specific behaviour around being a hero. She arrived unannounced yesterday to visit and was rude to everyone including my new partner who she’s been on her best behaviour with thus far (meeting him 3 or 4 times prior to this). She was rude about my kids appearances on this visit. Generally derogatory. I’ve had enough of her. Should I cut her out. I feel like I’m too old for this now. I’ve been crying on and off since she left the house yesterday. I don’t have much of a relationship with her. She turns up mostly for attention. Gives monologues about how amazing she is, insults everyone then leaves.

For background she married a paedophile who abused my sister for her whole life from birth (she only divulged this as an adult). He’s in prison now so she is like a lonely old woman who lost her home and now lives with her friend. The reason I mention this is for context that the family
has never been close.

If she died I feel I would be relieved. I just want to be rid of her. I actually think she’s vile. The only reason she has begun to ‘visit’ is because I recently had a baby. (Who’s she’s already insulted. Criticised how he looks).

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I think I’m just so upset that of all the parents in the world I got those two rejects.

If anyone has any similar stories I would love to hear about it. I guess so I don’t feel so alone in it.

Thanks for listening. ♥️

I think it’s ok to base your decision as to how much you see someone on how they make you feel. If someone is draining / makes you feel worse about yourself / makes you angry; these are not positive emotions and it’s ok to limit or put boundaries in around contact to protect yourself.

I went NC with my dad for a while and found it was actually quite hard on me. I felt a lot of guilt and sadness about it - so I personally prefer LC - Christmas cards, birthday calls, the occasional visits.

You can make it so that visits are time limited and on neutral ground, like at a garden centre with a play area for kids? People can be better behaved in that scenario due to the public gaze.

have you tried a boundary around her comments on appearances? Something like “we don’t talk about each other in a negative way in this family. Please do not talk to / about DC like that again or we will be leaving / I will
have to ask you to leave”

but ultimately it’s ok to put yourself and your family first - if someone is having a large negative effect on you, you absolutely can reduce or stop seeing them.

Thank you so much for your reply. ♥️

You are welcome.

I am sorry to hear about your situation, it does sound awful. I wanted to add I think it’s ok to grieve what you don’t have - supportive caring parents who can be there for you in a way you need. That is a loss. I think when we have rubbish parents we do a bit of mourning for them while they are still alive. I will admit to getting very emotional when I see films etc with a father daughter with a great bond. It is just rubbish so sending hugs x

I really do sympathise with you, as I feel like my mum ALWAYS has to upset me every time I see her, and every single birthday party my daughter has had, she has found a way to "ruin" it. I say ruin with inverted commas because she's not really spoilt it for my daughter, but just makes comments on absolutely everything to basically upset me so that I don't enjoy my daughter's birthday. Its always criticism of the food, the outfit my daughter is wearing, slagging off other guests but doesn't even do it quietly which is really embarrassing. I think she just loves the reaction from other people and is possibly a bit jealous as well as over the years I've had a couple of promotions at work which have got me in a comfortable position financially. I feel like that is begrudged though and my mum thinks its come easy and that my brother should be earning more as he is older and male, but my brother is happy with what he is doing and it is well known that he is just generally lazy so would not go to the effort of trying to get a higher paying job. I honestly could go on for hours on the subject, but some things may possibly be outing.

I’m with you @Doratheexplorer1, it’s so hard, you end up grieving for the relationship and mother that you never had. Then if you do reduce/ cut contact,you then grieve for that loss of contact, as you’re always wondering if the next visit is the ‘one’ where things would have changed. Unfortunately you’ll never win. Try to find a position which you’re happy with, don’t worry about everyone else. My DM sounds very similar, she’s getting old, realising she now has no one, she’s trying to be nice, but she honestly doesn’t know how!! And I honestly don’t think she really wants to, she’s just doing what she thinks she has to as she’s realising she’s alone. I just smile sweetly( like one of those nodding dogs), I call her out if she upsets my family, and I see her as little as I can get away with.
It’s a no win, but a kind of status quo.

@KAT0779 are we twins in another life??

Do you think she does this because her life hasn't turned out as she would have wanted? She married a paedophile, couldn't protect her daughter and has lost her home. Whereas you have that family/home she always wanted? So, rather than be proud of you and what you have achieved, she has to criticise and insult. Because she hates what a mess she has made of her life? I have a relative like this, she makes a big thing of 'telling it like it is' and being rude but I see a deeply unhappy person whose life is just a bit crap.

Cut contact, it’s the best decision I ever made. I’ve had loads of “ but she’s your mum” “ won’t you be upset if something happens to her and you never made up” actually no I wouldn’t, like you op I’d feel relief that I won’t ever be put in a situation with her ever again.

My children’s life’s are far better without her in them. If she was involved there would be snide comments and put down. Example of how my mother treats her grandchildren, she once called my neices one a whore, slag, bike and the other an anorexic evil bitch, this was to my brother, his wife and in front of all his staff and several important clients. The girls were both teens at the time. Then she couldn’t understand when my older niece had a child years later, why she didn’t get to meet the baby…

I could go on and on. There are times I feel the ingrained guilt of cutting her off, sadness at what I did at deserving her as a mother and an enabler of a father who didn’t protect me. I feel lonely that my siblings for an easy life rarely see me because it’s too much hard work because I don’t just accept “it’s just the way she is”. But most of all I feel relieved she’s out of my life. The only time I’ve seen her in 6 years was this year at a family funeral ( she fucking made that about her too) I’d never of missed the funeral as it was someone I was extremely close to. The way I see it, of the older generation there are 2 possibly 3 funerals I will have to attend, a couple others I can get out of, but 2 I’d never miss, I can handle being in the background and being in the room for them. My DH is extremely supportive which has made things so much better for me.

Hi @Doratheexplorer1 - I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It's awful. Dealing with the trauma, the guilt and grieving for the lack of the mother you should have had but didn't. Your poor sister too. I am so sorry.

You should feel free to cut contact. Your children deserve better than to be exposed to her toxicity and poor judgement. You can be proud of yourself for trying to protect your children from her.

If you haven't come across them already, you might like to check out the Stately Homes threads on here. So-called because the originator's parents justified the appalling way they treated them in childhood with the bleat that they couldn't have been abusive because they took them on outings to stately homes. The latest one is here March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes | Mumsnet, but there are others going back years. They are a safe space of solidarity, compassion, advice and understanding from people who really 'get it'.

On some areas of MN, and you may find a few popping up on this thread, there's a chorus from posters of "awww, you only get one mother", "I couldn't ever treat a parent that way", "she was a victim too", and other unhelpful comments. Those people don't know what it's like growing up with the sorts of things you've had to deal with and (fortunately for them) cannot fathom the depth of the issues involved.

Very best wishes to you. x

Ditch the old bitch. You don't need her.

This is spot on I think. I must admit my heart sank through the floor as I read it. It’s my first post on Mumsnet it’s surreal reading back things about yourself isn’t it.

Thank you. I think you’re right. Rather than be proud she has to criticise and insult. God it was like out of body reading that.

Thanks again ♥️

😊 thank you. God I’m crying so much reading these. There’s something about not having ever had a proper Mum that leaves such a hole that when anyone is supportive you feel it very deeply. ♥️

Thank you for taking the time to reply. This is very helpful. I shall follow the thread you recommended. I feel my emotions are always somewhere at the surface so it will be helpful to read some posts where people have similar experiences.

and thank you for being so kind. It means such a lot. ♥️

Thank you. This is really helpful. I do need to be more assertive. She’s a strange creature if challenged which is why I think people rarely do challenge her.

♥️

Thank you ♥️ It’s so hard isn’t it. I try not to let it dictate too much of who I am. But at times I feel like a bit of a lost soul. The exact same feeling I used to get as a child. Like I’m very tiny and someone ought to be looking after me. Except they aren’t and I’m all by myself.

I’m better when she leaves me alone I think.

@KAT0779 sorry, the above post was for you ♥️

Well this is a bit your answer then, because if your boundaries aren’t respected (like my dad doesn’t respect mine), then they are forcing your hand towards low or no contact.

My dad’s “I’m too old I won’t change now” doesn’t work for me when he’s upsetting others. He also argues the toss - “they shouldn’t be upset” - well that’s not what’s important is it? It also isn’t his decision about how someone else feels. but he’s too emotionally unintelligent to understand this.

For me; when you have upset someone an acknowledgement of that fact makes the world go round a little smoother and it’s a more pleasant place when we care about our impact on others. But some people are just so adamant they have to be right that it leads them to be alone in the end. Reasonable people take on feedback and take steps to at least try to change.

There isn’t much detail to go on here in terms of what sort of thing is actually being said but there are huge differences between someone who calls a child a whore etc and one who says something insensitive although likely upsetting to a parent such as ‘he looks so grumpy’ or ‘he looks a bit porky’ about a baby. Challenging the issues (as well as perhaps having some therapy about the past if not already given the feelings this is generating relating to how you felt as a child) would be a starting point for me. There is a bit of a trend at the moment to go NC with anyone that upsets us ( it has started to remind me of that fashion to chuck out everything that doesn’t spark joy) but as others have said, sometimes simply a lower contact approach can be helpful and proportionate. I fully appreciate I don’t know all the details here, and NC might be appropriate in your situation.

Its a very difficult thing to process, to think a parent doesn't care or they're just an awful person. But I've learned that its more common than you think, you're definitely not alone.

I have the same problem with my parents. Narcissist mother, she's a liar, a thief, plays the Saint role very well to anyone outside the house. My dad's a coward, a cheat, gambler, thief.... it took me a long time to see their true colours and now that I have, I can't be further away from them.

These days I'm closer with my mother-in-law than I am with my own mum, and grateful that any kids we have will have at least one set of normal loving grandparents.