To ask what else helped your child's challenging behaviour when timeouts didn't help - just turned 5 year old

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We're currently having some behaviour issues with our just turned 5 year old and not sure what to do next.. we've never had any problems with our older child. Since he turned 3 his behaviour at home has become more and more challenging, but he was always ok at preschool and school until earlier this year. Since then his behaviour at school has deteriorated, and I was called into the classroom for a meeting with the teacher on Friday. Not sure why this has happened as nothing has changed at home, and not sure where to go from here as I think we are fairly firm...any bad behaviour he gets a warning, if the behaviour doesn't stop he gets a time out. He doesn't like going in a time out but it doesn't stop him misbehaving again...and again...and again. We are so worn out with it now, and am also mortified that he's disrupting the class at school. He just doesn't seem to understand why he shouldn't be naughty, thinks behaving badly is funny and just laughs about it. He doesn't seem to have any empathy which surely should have developed by age 5, and thinks pushing other children is funny too...though he hates it if it's done to him.

He had a childminder who thought he might possibly have some special needs, I'm now wondering if this is the case and his teacher says it's a possibility too. Has anyone had similar with their child and what worked for you? I know we need to change our approach, just not sure how. I'm starting to not enjoy spending time with him and am worried he isn't happy, and really don't want that to continue

It sounds like you are suggesting autism might be behind it and if so, you have to rethink how you view his behaviour because it might not be bad (to use your words) but a response to being overwhelmed and sensory or auditory processing issues.

You might be right, do you have any tips on how to help him cope with being overwhelmed? He gets very excited when we have guests round etc. and becomes difficult to manage, but maybe that is to do with being overwhelmed

Well ds was dx with autism and challenging behaviour before 3. So when he threw stuff at me, I limited what was about for him to throw, put targets on the walls, had balls and beanbags handy and rewarded him for throwing at the targets. When he bit me if I held his hand and laid down and wouldn't move if I tried reins or a wrist strap I wore a long belt and he voluntarily held onto that. For him it was easier to find an acceptable alternative and reward him doing that than have a cat in hell's chance of stopping him doing anything. Choices worked well as well, "you can choose, stop screaming and stay here in this room or go to your room and scream there" He'd get a reward for making a choice whichever it was. If he didn't choose I'd go to another room telling him to knock on the door when he had finished screaming. He got no reward for that though. Rewards were what worked at the time, stickers, wotsits, pennies, a thumbs up. By ten he had no challenging behaviour.

Thanks, those are some helpful suggestions. I think the ones about acceptable alternatives and choices could def help. We often just tell him to stop shouting etc, without offering an alternative and it isn't very effective!

Raising Boys by Steve Biddulp is a useful read.
Both my children have a 'safe space' they can go to when they are upset - have a child of each sex.
Also have a special blanket and cuddle toy for my son to have when he is overwhelmed.
Check diet - see if certain foods trigger poorer behaviour ie neither of mine can cope with white chocolate......
Might be worth checking strategies that the school or child minder used to try out.

Thanks, can I ask what the "safe space" is? Is it like a tent or something?

Both children have tents but under the bed works equally well at times!! It's mainly a smallish space they can easily go to and feel safe to calm in!

Following with interest op, have a challenging four year old. She gets very overwhelmed at nursery with transitions and behaves unacceptably at these times. Potential extra needs also. I have been reading up on a lot of sensory seeking and avoidance also and trying to build in activities to help her when she feels she is having a hard time but time outs don’t help here either!

That's interesting @Yummymummy2020 , when the teacher spoke to me on Friday she mentioned that his behaviour is worst at transition times. Hope we figure out some strategies to help them, it's such a difficult situation

Transition tactics that have worked for my son and daughter (both autistic) warnings and countdowns In five minutes we are putting shoes on to go to the shop. In two minutes we are going to put shoes on to go to the shop (leave shoes visible) Right let's countdown to put shoes on 10, 9, 8 etc. Large sand timers are great for this as they can see time passing.
Daughter in nursery used to have certain songs that would signal to her either moving activities or from outside to inside and they played the same song every day when it was home time. I use the same with my demented dog who goes out to pee to the Proclaimers singing 500 miles 😂
Sometimes now and next boards and visual timetables help as well. Son was a very early reader so just a list of what was going to happen on a scrap of paper sufficed as it fed into his love of words and letters.

He'd get a reward for making a choice whichever it was.

@hiredandsqueak this is so smart. Did you come up with this or do you remember where you learnt this?

@Janpoppy I had the support of a fantastic child psychologist and speech therapist and between us we figured out what worked for him.
Telling him to stop just ramped everything up as he didn't like to be told stop/ no/ don't so I avoided using those words. I think it was because he had limited understanding but he knew those words signalled he wasn't to do what he was doing. So rather than saying no/stop/ don't I'd always used "you can choose" and he'd listen because those words meant he was going to get a reward because he would nine times out of ten make a choice.
I'd also add to that don't tell a child what not to do so rather than "don't jump on the sofa" I'd say "sitting on the sofa" or "no you can't have another biscuit" i'd say " snack's finished let's find your cars/ball/etc" I could cut down on a lot of conflict and meltdowns by choosing carefully what I'd say.

@hiredandsqueak

Thanks, it is so helpful when you get suggestions that are tailored to your situation.

The approach of rewarding choice is incredible because it effectively teaches a child to self-manage/self-regulate. And I really like the de-esculating approach of taking yourself away as the next step.

It's great information you've shared.