To feel really triggered by this book

[Struggle1]

I’m trying to feel better and just downloaded a self help book from audible and the author I feel was very silly to include in the opening introduction an excercise which asks you to think back to your childhood and feel the same level of carefree and fun attitude you had plus other things from childhood. As someone who had an extremely dysfunctional childhood where I do not ever remember having any fun or care free attitude this really triggered me. I spend my childhood scared and on high alert.

its a self help book surely she should realise not everyone had a perfect childhood like she seems to have had where she’s giving numerous examples. I couldn’t listen anymore.

I usually reframe it. If I am told to look back to my childhood even though it was traumatic, I go back and find that little girl who hadn’t got an advocate for her back then, as the adult I am now. That way I am no longer helpless or scared because I am in charge now and I will take care of her and we will heal together. It helps me to do it that way. It also helps me to be good to myself now because that little girl deserves it. I keep a pic of me as a child that I look at when I am being hard on myself and realise I am doing that to her. It really does help me to take care of myself and keep trudging the healing journey.

It's fine to feel "Triggered" by it yes. You clearly have uncomfortable feelings and it may be worth exploring them further with an in person therapist. Self help books aren't for everyone

I know what you mean OP.

I remember reading a self-help book by Ferne Cotton where she was talking about having that one friend you go for long walks with, the friend you turn to for advice, the friend you go out with and how you should make sure you make use of your support network ect.

All I could think was if I actually had a support network maybe I wouldn’t be depressed 🤔

I’ve found there are quite a lot of self help books that are for the average person who just feels a bit sad. They offer very surface-level help and waffle on a lot. Then there are others written by psychologists etc. that are a bit more understanding that the reader may have gone through major traumas (especially in childhood). It might be worth looking for a book written by a trauma-informed therapist or one who believes our childhood experiences influence us as adults. I’d also struggle to think of carefree childhood times and that might upset me, but it is just a wrong choice of book. Like choosing a therapist, you might have to try a few out.

OP, I recognise what you wrote, I have felt rage at insensitive suggestions in self help books. There are a lot of unqualified people out there writing books and a lot of unselfaware, unkind people too who turn their own unrecognised pain back on ours.

It took me years to be able to afford therapy and so find someone suitable.

Have you come across the work of Pete Walker? https://pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html

Podcasts can be helpful, eg. https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri/id1567190358

An unhappy childhood can put your whole life under a shadow, it's a lonely place. I invented a competent, confident personna, the trouble is that that shuts people out. You can't talk to other people and they find it hard to see that small, unhappy child still grieving a loving childhood. Keep looking for help and develop boundaries against the unkind ones. Take care.

These are an excellent set of self help resources

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself

Pete Walker, who I mentioned upthread is an American psychotherapist with a website full of helpful articles as well as books.

I agree with you OP. It’s a really normative and thoughtless thing to have. Ignore the posters who don’t get it.

Some posters are being needlessly reactive and critical here @Struggle1 - ignore them.

It seems pretty ignorant of the author. What was the book?

Uncalled for. Grow up!

Have you read anything about Complex PTSD? This is basically trauma from childhood and it can leave you on high alert. It might be worth looking into.

My brain is wired to want to know everything around me too. Apparently it’s not normal to eye up escape routes and take a reading on everyone you come into contact with 😂

I agree.

a significant percentage of the population have experienced childhood trauma and probably a large percentage of the audience so it’s a bit of an oversight on the authors part and it would make me think they didn’t know their stuff

Agree that reference to a carefree childhood is probably unnecessary when a ‘carefree time’ could be substituted with no loss of meaning.

I get it. In a very good work book which I did benefit from over all, I had none of the right type of relationships to reflect on. It still helped though. But yeh, I was in people pleasing mode my entire childhood. But I felt carefree when other adults were around ad my mother was happier and less snappy in company.

Thank you much I will look into this. Thank you everyone who gave me positive messages.

Can I ask which ones?
My therapist recommended a work book by Dr kirsten neff and fr Chris germer. It helped me a lot, although there were questions in there that were hard to answer.

I've read the Pete walker book too, it was excellent but it intellectualised the journey rather than healing the wound. Good book though. Really resonated.

Thank you all. Could PP please tell me the name of the book that was recommended by psychologist?

God, that must have been horrible. Some great links here though.

This is what my therapist recommended.

The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive : Neff, Kristin, Germer, Christopher: Amazon.co.uk: Books

I worked my way through it a chapter a week, i made myself take it slowly. Some of the exercises weren't easy but I can see that it did train my inner voice.

Years earlier I had managed to quieten my CRITICAL inner voice but although I'd done that, it hadn't become very understanding or supportive or compassionate. I do think this work book helped me a lot but it felt like work. you know when people say ''do the work'' it felt a bit like work cos it wasn't always easy. not like sitting on the sofa watching patrick teahan videos with a cup of tea, jerry wise, heidi priebe, all my usuals. This was more interactive.

Yanbu. Instead of prompting you to remember something pleasant, you were prompted to remember upsetting things. The authors should understand that many people, especially those needing a self help book, have had traumatic childhoods.
TBH I think a lot of these books are rubbish.

I'm not sure why you're getting so many negative comments.

I would think that as adverse childhood experiences are often a factor in adult mental illness, an author writing a self help book would ideally be sensitive to that.

Nasty and unnecessary.

👍 Brilliant man and enormously helpful.

OP, I think you have a good point. The best self help writers wouldn't usually specify a certain time in life or make these assumptions - they'd say Think back to a time you felt really safe and happy. And they should add - if you are here because you have never yet had that privilege in life and you hope to find it in these pages, please turn to pX where there is an exercise on how to create a safe haven in your mind, which is just as effective for the purpose of this exercise.

I have a vague memory of reading that in a self help book (maybe the same book) and thinking similar to you - it's a poor assumption that people in need of self help had happy childhoods!

Don't let it put you off, though. You can design a safe haven in your mind - just imagine an environment that brings you joy - a cosy room or sunny place of natural beauty - whatever you like best. Fill it with things that add comfort and security, fun and joy to you. When a similar exercise asks you to remember a place, just summon your designed safe haven.