I feel he is just settling for me

[Bluesky91]

It’s hard to explain, but pls bear with me.

i feel I’m not the best for him and that he is just settling for me. We’ve been married for 15yrs, together for 16. We have 3 children together.

He doesn’t stand up for me against his mum and sister (massive narcs). In the early years, he even took their side in public and private. This caused many huge arguments and STILL bothers me. Other than this, he is fine. He is a good dad and a good person.

I have this feeling that he doesn’t care. I can’t pin point to why. I just think he just gets on with life, not terribly excited to be with me. Do people not wake up happy and excited? Dream together, make plans together? We have a good life, plans and dreams, but everything is initiated by me, he just goes along. He just exists, has friends and hobbies.

I sometimes feel I’m not the best for him. He definitely isn’t having an affair or anything.

Im reasonably attractive, social, easy going and am fully financially independent.

am I expecting too much?

I just think he just gets on with life, not terribly excited to be with me. Do people not wake up happy and excited? Dream together, make plans together?

Do you do any of things in relation to him?!

Ypu are talking about him and his needs ..whether you are the best for him..
OP... is HE good for you? Is he the best for you?
Doesn't sound like it but tahts what you need to think of /about. Ket him do the thinking about his needs, but you do you and yours.

Other than this, he is fine.

doesn’t sound like you’re too excited about being with him either!

maybe he just has exactly what he wants. Are you happy though?

He’s happy with this life and you are not, so it’s ok to leave. You are allowed to have a your own needs and wishes. You don’t have to lay down your own life to serve him.

As he’s such a great dad and a good person he will continue to be that once you separate and divorce. He will agree to a fair financial settlement and no doubt care for his kids 50% of the time.

What are YOUR needs?

Maybe you make life too easy for him and he just goes along with it.
Has it always been like this, even at the start of the relationship ?

You don’t sound happy being with him.

You don't sound like you like him much let alone love him. Do you want to be able to dream and plan alone. Do you want a different life?
You can make anything happen including separation. It is up to you

Leave and be happy, none of that is normal. It's never too late to be happy

A bit late to worry about this after 16 years, isn't it? And no, I don't think people wake up happy and excited after 16 years, no. I think they just wake up normally.

If you aren't happy in the relationship though, it's OK to leave.

I don't know many adults who wake up 'happy and excited'. Even children probably only feel that level of jubilation on Christmas or birthdays.
I don't really know what you want him to do. He's probably just boring. You've seemed fine with it up until now. I doubt he'll change. He doesn't sound depressed or anything.
Maybe you could benefit from counselling to talk about your own feelings?

People in the U.K. jump to splitting up SO casually without any thought of the impact on kids, how most blended families are detrimental to the kids, how single parents have much higher levels of poverty...

Do people not wake up happy and excited?

Does he get happy and excited about other things? Is he a decent human being? Does he treat you as you would like to be treated?

Only you know the answer to these things

I know DH truly loves me, we have been together for decades. If I expected his quiet, complex personality to 'wake up happy and excited' I would have waited a long time.

The trick to being happy is to be grateful for the things you have. All the best.

@ladykale Staying in a miserable relationship for the kids isn't great. It's not a pleasant atmosphere at home and you're teaching them that they must stay miserable and can't leave someone they don't want to be with

Happiness is not a constant and it's very much dependent on a person's natural state as to whether they're generally able to feel content or not. Certainly most people don't tend to wake up happy and excited every day, and many would think they're winning if they don't wake up tired and a bit moody about the things they have to do that they don't feel like doing. Your guy sounds like he's middling - happy enough not to be grumbling, not happy enough to be excited and brimming with dreams etc. He sounds fairly normal on that score and can't be too bad if you've made three kids with him over 15 years. But you're obviously not happy and looking for more. The question is whether this is really about him or about your dissatisfaction and whether you'd feel that whatever relationship you were in.

Putting this on him - feeling like he's settled etc when he's not cheating and seems generally content - feels more like projecting, or like you want more romantic drama than the everyday of a steady but unthrilling LTR. Are you always like this and it's an ongoing mismatch, can you get your thrills from elsewhere - work or other passions (I mean like writing, dancing, movies, not other men)? - or do you think you're having some kind of mid-life crisis? It's easy to become dissatisfied and start casting around for more fulfilment. Sounds to me like this is how you're feeling rather than it being about him and his feelings for you. Which isn't to say he doesn't have problems and the history with his family will be an issue and so on, but given that this is who he is, what's sparking all this now and what can you change about your own situation rather than wishing he was different because he's not gonna change?

The impact on kids is exactly the reason I stayed with now ex dh for longer than I should have.
He was very controlling.

My family knew I was unhappy.
It was always “ keep going for the children”!

I wish I had left much earlier. Even my now grown up DC’s have said to me they wish I’d left sooner !

Women shouldn’t put up with one sided relationships. It’s supposed to be an equal partnership.

I've been with DH 20 years and love him deeply. I can't say I wake up excited about being with him though! Yes I'm happy but not sure that you can maintain a high level of excitement about your partner when you've been together that long.

OP - i think you would really benefit from counselling and exploring your needs/feelings/insecurities.

I do think you have some romanticised fantasy of life in your head. (No - people do not wake up every day happy and exited)
I also think for some reason you think you are not enough for your H.
But most importantly - i do think you are deep in the trenches of daily grind with three kids. And it is relentless and tiring. And many women find themselves in this place -
we get to all of the expected milestones - marriage, house, kids - and wonder if this is it… Why does it not make us happy?….

Maybe it’s wrong expectations; maybe wrong partner; maybe depression - its hard to say without some deep self reflection…

For what its worth - i don’t think the answer us as simple as - leave and meet someone else. Reality of divorce and separated life with 3 kids is not all roses and dating Prince Charmings. And - if the issue is your fantasy of life expectations - leaving wont solve it

She said he's a good dad & good person, hasn't mentioned any abuse or controlling behaviour.

But trot on because a new relationship either three young kids + new man who probably has a bunch of kids of his own + financial impact of being a single mum sounds grand, when actually OP should seek therapy to understand why she doesn't feel good enough for her OH.

He's probably just living life and being normal and she's expecting to wake up with butterflies and be whisked off like a princess everyday. That just isn't real life!