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Original poster

To go NC with family

16 replies

LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 22:56

I've struggled with relationships with my mum and siblings for years. I think a lot of it boils down to the favoritism both my parents have shown towards them when we were young and in my opinion continues to this day.

I started a family and I've moved about 2 hours from where we grew up. There are regular trains to where I live. My family hardly see my children which breaks my heart. My siblings only saw my children when they were about 7 months old. Since then I can count on one hand the number of times they have seen them. Yet my mum sends me pictures of her, my siblings and my nephew altogether several times a month. My mum sees my children once every two or three months. My sister and mum regularly help my brother out with childcare.

When I had my last child by elcs my mum didn't visit until a month afterwards despite her knowing the date and me asking for help. Her response was I'll let you know when I can visit. Then she came a month afterwards.

I try to make an effort with my siblings by suggesting dates to meet up but they rarely happen e.g. my children's birthdays and Christmas' have been competly ignored unless i initiate something. To most meet ups that i suggest either they are too busy; don't respond or the date comes and goes and nothing happens. But they find the time to meet together without me.

I'm just sick of being on the outside looking in and being ignored. I deserve better and so when my mum sent a picture of her at my brother's house helping with his son for the second time this month I had enough and thought why am I putting myself through this? Why is my mum there again when she hasn't seen my children once in over a month? Why are they altogether and me and my children aren't even considered or worthy or inviting along? Why are we not important enough for them? I'm angry and hurt.

I feel like crap when I see them altogether and want to stop feeling this way. I just need to vent and decided to whether to continue as the outsider or go NC for my sanity and my heart.

OP posts:
nervousweddingguest · 20/04/2024 22:59

LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 22:56

I've struggled with relationships with my mum and siblings for years. I think a lot of it boils down to the favoritism both my parents have shown towards them when we were young and in my opinion continues to this day.

I started a family and I've moved about 2 hours from where we grew up. There are regular trains to where I live. My family hardly see my children which breaks my heart. My siblings only saw my children when they were about 7 months old. Since then I can count on one hand the number of times they have seen them. Yet my mum sends me pictures of her, my siblings and my nephew altogether several times a month. My mum sees my children once every two or three months. My sister and mum regularly help my brother out with childcare.

When I had my last child by elcs my mum didn't visit until a month afterwards despite her knowing the date and me asking for help. Her response was I'll let you know when I can visit. Then she came a month afterwards.

I try to make an effort with my siblings by suggesting dates to meet up but they rarely happen e.g. my children's birthdays and Christmas' have been competly ignored unless i initiate something. To most meet ups that i suggest either they are too busy; don't respond or the date comes and goes and nothing happens. But they find the time to meet together without me.

I'm just sick of being on the outside looking in and being ignored. I deserve better and so when my mum sent a picture of her at my brother's house helping with his son for the second time this month I had enough and thought why am I putting myself through this? Why is my mum there again when she hasn't seen my children once in over a month? Why are they altogether and me and my children aren't even considered or worthy or inviting along? Why are we not important enough for them? I'm angry and hurt.

I feel like crap when I see them altogether and want to stop feeling this way. I just need to vent and decided to whether to continue as the outsider or go NC for my sanity and my heart.

are you the last sibling to have children? i only ask because when i was younger and didnt have children, i was the favourite aunt, i was always available for baby sitting, present buying, day trips.. you name it good old aunty did it!

i expected when i did have my own children, i would get that same support back! but nope, my siblings were all too busy with their own kids to offer me any kind of support.

my children do not know their aunts and uncles.. my parents are no longer with us, and i no longer have any contact with any of my siblings

CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 23:04

You already have only minimal contact with your family - what will be better about completely severing all ties with them?

It sounds like you are (understandably) hurt and also jealous. Do you just want the satisfaction of hurting them back by blocking them on social media and refusing any contact?

Would it not be possible to have a frank conversation with your mum explaining how this makes you feel?

RandomButtons · 20/04/2024 23:05

Your feelings are totally valid and understandable, you’ve had the short end of the stick here. You’re totally justified in not making as much as an effort with them, however I think you’ll only hurt yourself more if you go NC in this situation. You’re not describing horrendously abusive relationship here.

Personally I’d reduce contact and maybe get some therapy sessions to help you reframe the relationship. It’s helped me massively with my family.

Original poster
LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 23:13

nervousweddingguest · 20/04/2024 22:59

are you the last sibling to have children? i only ask because when i was younger and didnt have children, i was the favourite aunt, i was always available for baby sitting, present buying, day trips.. you name it good old aunty did it!

i expected when i did have my own children, i would get that same support back! but nope, my siblings were all too busy with their own kids to offer me any kind of support.

my children do not know their aunts and uncles.. my parents are no longer with us, and i no longer have any contact with any of my siblings

Show quote history

Thanks for the reply. I was the first to have children for a long while but have always sent birthday and Xmas cards but my children rarely receive any.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 20/04/2024 23:15

You moved 2 hours drive away while they all live close to one another? Of course they’ll see each other more frequently than they see you … fuel is expensive, and not everyone is keen to hop on a train …
Maybe you just need to tell your mum that it upsets you she doesn’t make the effort with you and your children… but it’s likely she’ll say you chose to move further away…
My siblings both moved abroad and think we should all fly out to visit them…. We all have lives here and while we miss them we consider it their choice to move away from us and not really our responsibility to find the time and money to visit them. I know that sounds harsh… but finding the time to pop to someone’s house that lives a few miles away is very different to having to factor in a 4 mile round trip, cost of fuel etc.
I would probably see my sister weekly if she lived nearby, but distance and cost means we’ve seen each other once in 10 years …

Houseinawood · 20/04/2024 23:18

You are pretty much NC at there doing.

I suggest therapy and coming to terms with the rejection and it is a rejection. It cuts deep. There is a group for stately homes on here.

I live minutes from my parents - I have great kids who are just adorable and lovely. I never ask for money or baby sitting. My parents last contacted me 3 years ago. They saw us in 2022 which I arranged and then that’s it - no contact since from them - no thanks for gifts or cards so I’ve just left it.

T1Dmama · 20/04/2024 23:18

Sorry 4 HOUR round trip, not mile

Original poster
LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 23:20

CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 23:04

You already have only minimal contact with your family - what will be better about completely severing all ties with them?

It sounds like you are (understandably) hurt and also jealous. Do you just want the satisfaction of hurting them back by blocking them on social media and refusing any contact?

Would it not be possible to have a frank conversation with your mum explaining how this makes you feel?

Thanks for the reply. I admit it I am very jealous and hurt. I just want to be included and feel like I and my children are part of the family. I think you are right an honest conversation with my mum is needed. Thanks

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 20/04/2024 23:23

A four hour round trip comes at considerable cost not to mentioned the time. My dc saw their maternal grandparents about 6 times a year? Half the time they came to us, half we went to them. With everyone working and having lives it's not possible to manage more.

Go nc if you want but you moved away, they didn't so of course it's different

jellymaker · 20/04/2024 23:24

I completely hear you. I'm the youngest in my family and moved 3 hours away. My family meets without me. I've always felt sidelined by it. You have to build your own life with new friends. I totally get the hurt.

Original poster
LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 23:27

T1Dmama · 20/04/2024 23:15

You moved 2 hours drive away while they all live close to one another? Of course they’ll see each other more frequently than they see you … fuel is expensive, and not everyone is keen to hop on a train …
Maybe you just need to tell your mum that it upsets you she doesn’t make the effort with you and your children… but it’s likely she’ll say you chose to move further away…
My siblings both moved abroad and think we should all fly out to visit them…. We all have lives here and while we miss them we consider it their choice to move away from us and not really our responsibility to find the time and money to visit them. I know that sounds harsh… but finding the time to pop to someone’s house that lives a few miles away is very different to having to factor in a 4 mile round trip, cost of fuel etc.
I would probably see my sister weekly if she lived nearby, but distance and cost means we’ve seen each other once in 10 years …

Thanks for the reply. It takes about the same amount of time to get to my brother's house as it does to mine. But yes, you raise a good point about cost and time taken. If I knew they were all meeting up I'd be happy to make the journey but i never know as I'm not invited.

OP posts:
CulturalNomad · 20/04/2024 23:27

Thanks for the reply. I admit it I am very jealous and hurt. I just want to be included and feel like I and my children are part of the family. I think you are right an honest conversation with my mum is needed

Families can be so complicated, can't they? My feeling is that if you have an honest conversation with your mother then you will know that you've done all that you can given the situation. If nothing else you'll get this off your chest.

Original poster
LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 23:29

Houseinawood · 20/04/2024 23:18

You are pretty much NC at there doing.

I suggest therapy and coming to terms with the rejection and it is a rejection. It cuts deep. There is a group for stately homes on here.

I live minutes from my parents - I have great kids who are just adorable and lovely. I never ask for money or baby sitting. My parents last contacted me 3 years ago. They saw us in 2022 which I arranged and then that’s it - no contact since from them - no thanks for gifts or cards so I’ve just left it.

I think you're right I need to come to terms with the rejection.

OP posts:
T1Dmama · 20/04/2024 23:48

LemonHelper · 20/04/2024 23:27

Thanks for the reply. It takes about the same amount of time to get to my brother's house as it does to mine. But yes, you raise a good point about cost and time taken. If I knew they were all meeting up I'd be happy to make the journey but i never know as I'm not invited.

Show quote history

Please tell them! Say ‘next time you all meet up, please let me know as I’d happily travel to see you all as me and the kids miss out on so much!!’
if they meet up and still don’t invite you I’d be asking why!!

Original poster
LemonHelper · 21/04/2024 00:02

T1Dmama · 20/04/2024 23:48

Please tell them! Say ‘next time you all meet up, please let me know as I’d happily travel to see you all as me and the kids miss out on so much!!’
if they meet up and still don’t invite you I’d be asking why!!

Show quote history

I'll give this a try. At this point I've got nothing to loose and want my children to know their family and to see my family too :)

OP posts:
Anusername · 21/04/2024 08:51

do you and your siblings have a big age gap?

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