Is is harder to make friends as you get older?

[MintMat]

I am 40 and moved to a new area (Previously in Central London, now in Greater London) 5 years ago. I have a 5 year old DS and a 4 year old DD and a husband of 12 years. I have friends from school who live dotted around the country and friends from previous jobs who again, live dotted around London. I stay in touch with lots of friends my phone and we meet up regularly. I have made lots of acquaintances through the kids schools and clubs etc but no real 'friends' is it just me who finds it hard? I always seem to be just on the outside of the friendship groups......

Yeah maybe. I found when I was younger I was more trusting / open / over shared etc and probably more enthusiastic and had more time to give. The older I’ve got - (esp since having kids and mixing with other mums) the more I’m learning that not everyone is what they seem and to go slowly with friendship etc . Before I would have gone head first ! So maybe it is harder but I know I have my reasons why and maybe others do? Also - you tend to have found friends when you’re younger and stick with them so don’t necessarily need more. With my first child i joined in with lots of school mum events and have a great group who are definitely now proper friends. Whereas my youngest son, I tried to avoid doing things as I already had too many friends to fit in- I know that sounds awful to say it like that.

I've made a lot of new friends since turning 50, so I don't think it's an age thing. It's more of an opportunity thing.

I haven't found it more difficult, but then I've not had more than casual friendships most of my life. I have friends now (I'm 60) through an interest group, but I feel a bit on the outside there in that several of them have known each other a long time. That's just how it is when you have moved around, you don't have history (and tbh hearing about people's grandchildren is of no interest to me. Pets, yes, children, no. 😄)

I have found it much easier tbh.

I don't think it's age - I think it's just the toddler/primary years are horrendously busy. I made only one or two friends during those years, more since ds is old enough not to need me around all the time. There is a little more time for me.

It's opportunity and personality. I've always struggled to make friends as I've been burnt, am busy & don't drink or enjoy jumping around at music festivals & can't afford expensive outings - which makes it, even in my 40's, difficult. I also prefer a couple of good friends rather than lots of surface level friendships.

Two friends I have (but don't live locally now), who moved to the area, were outgoing, fun and go wherever invited, putting social lives first (both houses was always bomb sites). They had people hanging off them. Both moved again & on FB I can see yet more people clamouring. One whose moved two weeks ago & started a new job last Monday has already been out to lunch with other women at the company. They just attract people. One is a major drama queen too!

I have about 3 good friends. I'd rather just have them than 20 surface level friends. Shared history is what helps long term friendships I think. I'm 49 and thunk it's much harder to make new friends now, but not impossible if you put yourself out there and make a real effort.

Late 30s and zero friends now. South East.
Impossible.

I made zero Mum friends, I have picked up a friend at my last work, none at my current work of 3 years (although nice colleagues).

I have recently started a hobby and they aren’t friends as such but I enjoy an evening with them 😊 maybe they’ll be friends one day.

I found that all my elder DCs friends mums were like this - their DC was their youngest and my DC was my eldest. Which made it hard for me for a bit, I wondered if it was me. Especially as I don’t fit the perfect mother mould.

After a few years, I’d assembled a ragtag mob of parent friends, some from extra curriculars, some from younger DCs friends parents, and a few that my DC wasn’t especially friendly with their DC but I liked the mum!

Still friends with them now DC are at uni. They are my local go-to friends. Also keep in touch with old work colleagues, business partners, school friends, DHs friends wives and have been cultivating some neighbour friends recently. Meet plenty of dickwads too !

It all takes continual effort - you get out what you put in. I try to be kind and thoughtful always, a decent listener and occasionally entertaining.

As pp have, it depends on your friendship preference: whether you prefer light touch friendship or something deeper.

If the firmer yabu - it’s not hard to have numbers in your phone of people to meet up simply for a chat and a coffee. Yanbu if you need a friend where you can both properly share and support through the challenges of life - even talking through the wildest of aspirations. I find light-touch friendship exhausting personally and can’t maintain them particularly effectively.

That's interesting - I find deeper friendships the exhausting ones, probably because the few I've had have ended up with me being the shoulder to cry on. When your life isn't full of dramas and the other person's is, it gets a bit one-way.

No I don’t think so, I’ve made lots of new friends recently by joining some hobbies. You do need to put yourself out there a bit though - friends won’t come to you

I have found it easier to make friends as I've got older. I really struggled to make friends when I was younger/at school.

I find it draining around new people for some reason. I have a few friends from childhood and uni but despite having a regular hobby and job I haven’t made any new friends in 20 years

It’s harder if you’re somewhat reserved and it’s harder, if you work, that considering between uni and retirement there are far less social opportunities. Those two things can compound each other. I haven’t made any new friends since mid 20s (I’m 38), nor any mum friends at primary school, work people I’m very friendly with but I also direct the department so no one really wants to be friends with the boss … I’m also insanely busy 99% of the time. I agree it can be tough.

I've definitely noticed this. I've moved around a lot and always made good friends wherever I lived. Then we moved to another city when I was 37 (12 years ago) and I've really struggled to make friends. This is despite me working, meeting all the parents at school etc. I do now have a couple of friends I go out with for dinner or lunch - but even with them I don't feel like I could call them up if I was having a bad day or something.
I really believe people make most of their close friendships when they're younger. I went to a talk about different life stages and the woman said when you're in your teens and 20s you have all this "social energy", a lot of it is hormonal, a biological drive to be out there mixing with lots of people, partly to find a nate but also just to establish your group. As you get older this social energy dies down and you don't have the same desire to be mingling with lots of people.
I've really noticed this. I completely took it forgranted how easy it was to make friends when I was younger.

I think it’s harder to make and keep close friends when older. although I have made a few from work in the past few years (am early 50s). I left my last job 4 years ago and still see people - individually and in small groups. Suppose most people already have that established friendship group in middle age, but I’m always open to new friendships if I click with someone and they are interested in meeting up etc.
All my really close friends are from my younger days though as that bond is so tight we’ll never lose touch.
I find it quite easy to make friends but im
more fussy and I cba with making an effort these days whereas when my kids were young I’d make effort w ‘mum’ friends for their sake etc.
i went to a party last night and on the way I said to dh that I’m not up for talking to strangers 😆 luckily we knew quite a few people but talking to strangers at parties when you know you’ll never see them again is something I’ve really grown out of. Different if it’s work or a new group where a friendship can be built but not at a party!

These are useful comments, I'm on the "light touch friendship" side, but it's clear that different people land in different categories.

My current group of 8 mum friends are all light touch; we all have older friends from work and other lives, but we arrange to do things together every month or so - whoever can make it. We are also always available on WhatsApp for the issues of the day, with occasional 2-5 of us having coffee / play date / etc. Other mums drop in or out too, if someone is particularly chatting to them when we arrange a meet-up. All very relaxed, nobody would be remotely offended to not be included in something, but if someone says they want to hang out then they'll be tacked onto whatever's going on. I have similar with 3 other groups of work friends, some of whom I've known for 20 years, as well as old school friends, it's just my style of friendship. When I need to chat, and DH or family won't do, I have a raft of people to choose from and will be supported. Likewise, people contact me for support and that's great. I have one friend who only really likes seeing me alone being super deep, attempts to merge her into groups failed because she prefers 1-1, but I love her so I put up with it.

I fully appreciate that those looking for a deep and meaningful best mate who knows them inside out would think my style of friendships are all much too light and pointless. You need friends who want to same type of friendship as you, possibly even more than they need to share the same interests. Which means absolutely NOT the social butterfly type chatting to everyone, look more round the edges.

I'm on the "light touch friendship" side, but it's clear that different people land in different categories.

Absolutely! Time was I would have said I would love a deep friendship, but now, no, I don't think so.

No it's not imo if you put the effort in, which some
people can't be bothered to do.

If you show up somewhere regularly you ought to make friends.

Following on from the difference between light touch and deeper friendship.

Deeper friendship isn’t defined as the emotional crutch. More the being open. I think key is the deeper friendship means each will prioritise the other.

The light-touch - more a social performance and knowing other events or needs are prioritised over ‘me’. Hence I find this type of friendship hard work.

Interesting, thanks for the extra insights.

I don't have an expectation (or wish, really) for friends to prioritise me, or vice versa. I also find seeing people once a week for a couple of hours is about as much as I want. It's socialising, and that's plenty. I don't find it any more performative than any other contact (or maybe it all is, lol). I don't hide stuff, I talk openly about any old thing.

I think this is why I prefer light touch friendships - I’m quite open with people generally, but I don’t want to be prioritised by other people, or to prioritise them in return. I want to enjoy their company when it’s convenient for both of us and be free to walk away after without (significant) obligation.

My experience of deeper friendships is that they tend towards unequal obligation, and competitive dynamics - which probably isn’t the case for some people in these types of friendship, but it’s where they tend to slide for me, so I’m just not interested in pursuing them any more. I find the easy going friendships with hobby friends much more fulfilling and uplifting, and I get more freedom for myself and my own time.

Bloody hard work.

I've found I need repeat exposure to people to make real new friends, along with some sort of shared situations, life stage and common hobbies and interests. Also it helps if you have shared friends that introduce you.

I tried all sorts of friendship apps but it felt too forced.

Something where you can see the same people over and over - e.g. in a hobby or walking group or something is better as you grow to know each other together.