To need more from DH?

[ScaredOlderNotWiser]

I’ve name changed for this and apologies it may be a long one…

DH and I have been together for 15 years we have DC and a lovely home, both decent jobs and although money hasn’t always been great we are finally in a place where we are comfortable/fortunate.

My issue is, I feel so very lonely. I am very much a people pleaser and know I have adapted and suppressed my needs to ‘keep the peace’. DH is a lovely person but a very emotionally complex one, he has a few very deep routed issues and struggles to convey his emotions in the way I need him to. I am quite thick skinned and we have amazing banter and giggles but sometimes i need some words of affection and non sexual touch. I have asked, cried and hinted SO many times over the course of our relationship that I am a true romantic and whilst he isn’t I would appreciate the odd little gesture now and then, nothing massive or cringey/flashy just perhaps making me a special tea, watching my favourite film, writing me a letter, planning a date or simply initiating a deep conversation with me and asking me meaningful questions!

AIBU to feel resentful that I don’t get this and feel like I’m living with a robot?

It’s so hard to raise anything with him as he goes completely defensive and we then have a huge row, I’ve learned not to even bother asking anymore and it’s like he’s ok with the fact that I have an unmet need. He gets very easily stressed and because I can’t stand to be in a negative atmosphere I go out of my way to avoid situations that may cause stress for him. For context we both work full time, share household responsibilities but I do more of the usual ‘mental’ workload particularly with the DC.

I don’t really know what I’m asking I just feel so lonely and afraid that I’ll never get that feeling of being truly loved again in the way that I need but I don’t want to throw away all these years of hard work together and give up what is a good person in all other ways. Please help 🙏

I honestly could have written this myself! I don’t have any answers unfortunately. I understand how you feel, I love my DH but feel lonely, he wants a physical connection I want an emotional connection. It’s tough so sending hugs x

Another one in the same boat. It’s all quite functional these days. I wonder if some of it is hormone related? Everything is nice enough, it could all be worse, he’s not a bad person, but we are also quite different. Quirks I used to find attractive now seem juvenile and annoying. Not sure what the answer is! Sometimes I think he doesn’t really know me, know me.

Gosh I feel like this too! We’ve only been married 4 years and have two young DC I do worry about the future as would be sad to separate. I was wondering if marriage counselling might help?

I very much feel the same. I've now started not really mentioning anything going on in my life as he just doesn't seem to show any interest. Never asks me meaningful questions about my life. I'm so sad.

I’m sorry to hear you are all feeling this way too.

I tried to initiate a conversation again earlier today and it’s ended in us in separate rooms not talking, I was pouring my heart out crying and he walked out. That pang of loneliness just deepens when he doesn’t comfort me or reassure me, it’s like he’s practically saying it’s not going to happen so deal with it. It makes me question everything, especially my worth. What’s so wrong with me that my own husband can’t show me some affection/effort/thought other than the functioning day to day schedule. It’s got to the point where i only have sex as I crave the affection I get afterwards but it only lasts a couple of hours until it’s back to normal. I feel so heartbroken and scared of the future.

Very similar situation here so no advice. I often wonder if it's bad enough to leave. We also haven't had sex for a year. He would never go to counselling.

I guess the question I have is - you are clearly telling him your needs here, so is it that he can't or won't try to meet them? If it's can't then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker or if he'd agree to work on it. If it's won't then nothing will change and it's incredibly selfish of him, so again, is that a deal breaker?

You are absolutely not asking too much. It takes nothing to bring a bunch of flowers home, an extra cup of tea or similar.
My dh does small gestures and it goes a long long way.
My 20 year olds boyfriend turned up with three bunches of flowers today.
Do you do small gestures for him?
If he hasn't changed now you may need to wander if he ever will, if he can't even compromise or talk about it it's so unfair on you

@Welliwould I know he can because he has done way back in the past, granted I’ve known he’s not the most romantic but I’m not asking for the movie type romance, I’m a realist but he knows I’m a very deep person and sometimes just want something that touches the soul a bit. The relationship is so surface level and I genuinely do need more than that, I’ve tried to accept he’s ’not like that’ but as I’m getting older I don’t know if I can accept never feeling that kind of love ever again.

@socks1107 only get flowers when he’s genuinely sorry for being a prat. I think as the relationship has gone on I’ve become so enabling in terms of ignoring my own needs. He does make me cups of tea and stuff but he would never just cook me a nice meal or plan a date etc. I do small gestures for him, yes. I have recently gathered a playlist of his favourite music when he was stressed and ran the bath with candles and a beer so he can listen and chill out, i very often take the DC out for a while to ‘give him time alone’, I have written him letters, done plenty of gestures in the bedroom department that are mainly because I know he wants those certain things, I always cook nice meals, watch his shows with him and ask him questions/try to initiate deep conversations or suggest date ideas. I just think he feels his presence and normal day to day being married is enough and I’m starting to become afraid that it’s just not anymore.

I totally get how you feel and have been there too...

but feel completely differently now. I realise I am just asking my man to express himself in a way which he does not naturally communicate.

have you heard of f the 5 love languages? :

What are the love languages? We all give and receive love in 5 different ways: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. These are called 'love languages' - a concept created by Dr. Gary Chapman through his long-time work as a marriage counsellor.

Affirmation = loving words/vocal expression

Acts of service = doing things for you, helping, supporting, fixing

Gift giving

Quality time

Physical touch - hugs, caresses etc

When I learnt about this realised that my man gives so much love through service... he arrives to make every single thing easier for me. He absolutely grafts to do things that I need done, and he thinks ahead.

He isn't the best at the others, but that's ok.

Using the method of 'Non-violent communication' I am able to communicate what I need without getting upset and us falling into an argument.

So now rather than saying 'You never say nice things to me, do you even love me?!' and this descending into an argument, ai think about how I am feeing and what I need, and I ask for it in. proactive way, such as:

'I'm feeling a bit insecure at the moment, if you could give me some reassurance that you love me and are happy in our relationship that would be really nice'

and generally it all works out ok

Non violent communication was a game changer, find a course.

@BlessedKali thank you, I totally get this and have been down this route so many times. I’ve read the book, many books, asked him to read them too but he never does.

I’ve practically trained myself to understand his love language and I never critique or go at him in a way that says ‘you’re not doing this’ I approach him at the right time, I simply say that I am feeling really lonely at the minute and just from that sentence he becomes so uptight and defensive. I then repeat that he’s done nothing wrong I’m just feeling insecure and need some reassurance/tlc/etc but he honestly takes it so personally he always walks off and then I end up being the one reassuring him because I don’t want the negative atmosphere. It’s a vicious cycle and one I’m so fed up of. I make sure I lift him up in his confidence and always acknowledge when he does something sweet like make me a cuppa without me asking etc.

And me, especially todayn

Sending so much love to everyone in the same boat as me. It’s a tough feeling to stomach and we all deserve to feel truly loved.

Great to hear you have explored these routes, but sorry to hear of his reaction.

It sounds like he has some work to do himself, and sounds like you are not going to be able to lead him, and certainly not change him.

I suppose the question is, can you accept this? it sounds like you have to either accept this is the situation, and come to a place of peace with it, or you decide that this is not good enough and leave.

being stuck in the middle as you are now doesn't seem healthy xx